DiViNE EViL DiViNE EViL: March 2013


Saturday, March 30, 2013

A Long Overdue Resignation

It seems like, ultimately, to save myself, I will have to put this all behind. Although I should have done so months ago, that optimism within me still kindled, however slightly. Indeed, this abrupt but indefinite conclusion is at least a relatively mild and comforting end to my maiden journey.

The aforementioned other half of the discussion didn't materialize. Perhaps you were waiting for me to bring it up...but I felt that there wasn't anything more to drag on about. Up to this stage I guess I can deduce your patterns already, and although you didn't imply anything, I understood the situation in which we both stood. It is best that we keep it as it is. I have realized that, but was unwilling to accept it; these repercussions were wrought upon myself, and I will have to accept the concequences.

I will probably not tell you this directly, but I do wish you good luck on your future endeavours. We will still share a similar path, but I guess we are too different otherwise. As for myself, I have to finally tell myself to stop messing around in this tomfoolery. With a tone of finality, I now have the answers, or at least, reasonable assumptions, to consign myself to stop pursuing this matter. Hopefully, this time, my heart will comply. My brain has understood and processed this long ago...only now does my instinct respond to reality.

Of course, I could say that all this has been beneficial. I didn't lose anything, yet gained things that can't be studied or learnt without going through them. This will definitely aid my own handling of such events in the future (should I encounter them again). I have to thank all that have been with me, alongside me and tolerated me. Even in the past month, I have felt myself gradually returning to who I was. Now I shall be freed entirely, again setting aside the dormant part of me which was awakened for but a short while. At least we all know it exists.

Resignation is just a pessimistic word for liberation.
JLam posted this at 14:37 | link | 0 comments |

Friday, March 29, 2013

Neither Here nor There

It seems like, despite not receiving the absolute bad news, I will have to resign myself eventually anyway, though in a manner which I can handle more suitably. Indeed, it is a mystery how my heart can react so naturally and uncontrollably by facts received and processed by the brain. The situation now with us is neither here nor there...or anywhere in between; it is just mysteriously swirling around indefinitely hoping to land and latch itself onto any stable surface.

I guess I would have predicted your intentions, but you haven't been able to progress that far yet. I'll make this clear; I do not intend to ruin anything. You do care about your image but there are many other things that are more important, which require this phase of slight image-distortion to go through. Keeping everything under the radar is indeed difficult to maintain. You will have to do what is right, not what others perceive what you do as right.

In discussing this with you, I have yet again created an awkward tension between us which had just recently dissipated. But we have cleared up many things, have we not? This conversation is not over, and although a part of me aches to know more, another just wills me to forget everything. Why am I so affected by this infatuation I tried to shed? I want to give it up for the greater good, yet not every part of me complies. There are many unique qualities we see in each other which we would want to treasure and appreciate...but to what extent, is the difference.

I would have to marvel at the fronts you're putting up, but we're close enough now to discuss these in confidentiality. Hopefully, your perception of me hasn't changed, because I sure haven't. I have to sincerely apologize for how much trouble I turned this into more than it should, but it is out of my control. I have tried, but my instinct precedes reason.

But this is just half of it. More will be revealed soon...and this is a test on how I can handle the situation. Perhaps this upcoming break...is just what we needed. It is time I set myself free. Or perhaps...what is kept amongst ourselves can assist with that.

Indeed...my life here is a drama within itself.
JLam posted this at 13:55 | link | 0 comments |

Thursday, March 28, 2013

A Familiar, Ominous Prospect

My sources may be unreliable, assumptions may be everywhere which cause me to think too much again, but my mind and heart are unwillingly accepting it anyway; and this likely theory which has surfaced will explain the reason for your actions...things which I have to appreciate while I can.

This previous week has brought me back to the short but memorable, at least for me, period before I messed up. But it no longer seems like it matters whether it happened or not anyway. Through all my fluctuations of thoughts and feelings, some of the points that I had to use to somehow conjure some disdain for you might have been true. I was but a little sidetrack to your main goal. Though how you still cared for me was somewhat remarkable. Others would probably just not care anymore, but you forgave me, probably waving it off as a bout of inexperience on my part. Now that I think of it, it might have been a bane or boon for me either way. As it stands, I will have to go through the pain a second time. This time, it's not for me to decide.

At this point of time I guess it shouldn't be me asking you questions anymore. You deal with interpersonal relationships much better than I do, but I have to wonder, do you still know my intentions? Do you still remember what I have said? We have never explicitly brought up this topic again, no matter how close we were to it. Were you just numb to these common, trivial matters while I was oversensitive? If I have to still ask these questions, I guess it just isn't me you're looking for. And I should have known all along, but I was just optimistic most of the time.

Now all that I'm waiting for is the full force to hit me in the face. This time, it should end everything, for the tone of finality it brings, and all the possibilities it extinguishes. I thought I had recovered, but deep inside, it seems that I have yet to experience all that there is to absorb. I'm ready to embrace my fate...but will I be able to take it? How long will I take to recover again? There are too many uncertainties, too many questions to be asked. Only a few need answering...enough for me to take.

I will be anticipating this moment...the defining answer that will end what had changed me so much in the past four months. Very likely, I will have to face the truth head on. It will come as a short question and answer, and I guess you will have no choice but to answer directly. The time has finally come to end all assumptions. It was these assumptions which brought about all this misery in the first place anyway. I remembered the last time when I foresaw the undesired revelation which caused all that pain. Now...it is going to happen again.

Let judgment reign again...upon my battered soul.
JLam posted this at 03:16 | link | 0 comments |

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Nothing More

I think I've finally managed to infer most of your intentions, or rather, the lack thereof. Admittedly, the situation is still good, and it'd be too greedy and selfish of me to ask for more. But inside me there's a little part that just won't go away. And while you're here, which you will be bar any unexpected happenings, I don't know if I will ever manage to diminish this, ever.

There's nothing more I can really do to change myself without altering my character outside of my normality. All I can hope for is for time to cause you to appreciate for what I am more...but that seems highly unlikely. As it stands, this is probably how we'll be until the end.

At least my increased interaction with more people has enlightened me about some of their thinking. It's really curious that I find myself much more at ease with certain people and I can't really explain why. But all these interactions have given me more insight about what some people imply sometimes; or maybe just not implying anything at all. Overthinking is again, as I have stressed, the root of misinterpretation...

But putting myself in your point of view has probably increased my understanding. Although we obviously think very differently, and we experience and handle events differently as well, I have come to view things from another angle, though I can only expect this can be done when my heart and mind are in a more tranquil state.

Forcing on is not only a bad idea, but uncharacteristic and conflicting of my principles. Perhaps I will gauge my attempts from time to time, but there won't be any big moves. Aren't we all happy as we are now? The past is the past...however awkward, unpleasant or nostalgic it was...it can all be put behind as long as we trundle on. I'm relatively new to this...thus my difficulty in adapting and returning to normal...but it seems like everyone else has been able to graciously accept and move on.

And thus ends the beginning.
JLam posted this at 03:48 | link | 0 comments |

Friday, March 15, 2013

Not understanding Myself

This is really difficult to understand. Things have indeed ideally returned back to how they were before, but that little catch just confuses me. I guess I have expressed enough on this already. But that's just regarding you. Now, what is peculiar now is again related to myself. It's really good that I am no longer obsessed, but it seems that desire has shrunk too far. Perhaps the unwillingness to take up the responsibility has finally hit me. Is that a good thing though? Sooner or later, I would have to deal with it anyway, but propelling myself forward through necessity rather than desire would not prove beneficial to us.

I guess patience is the key again, and I will have to observe the situation. I always think I have to make use of this time where opportunites are greater. That is true in reality, and it's a pity I can't have more time to carry out my plans, not to mention I wasted more than a month by messing up. Being too hasty, however, is only selfish of me. I have to disagree with many of my own actions and decisions that I have made since the turn of the year, but I do think it's better that I have become more critical of myself. I pride myself of my low standards but I will need to raise them when others are involved.

It's still there though. Being too cautious when I'm around you...at least it counts for something. This decrease in obsession, however, has increased my reluctance to deviate too much from my innate character and principles for this acquisition. Much of you is shrouded in mystery, and this has spread even to myself. I am no longer controlled purely by principle. I have to finally realise the power of the heart which can overcome the mercuriality of the mind. For now, think less...and concentrate on what I have to do more.

For it is no longer my mind which determines the next step.
JLam posted this at 23:31 | link | 0 comments |

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Deviating Patterns

I should just ponder less and go about my own business. After all, there's no hurry...supposedly. But how your responses have drastically changed. I've just been noticing too much, I guess. After all, the busy period is back. Not to mention your replies are positive...perhaps a little too positive. It has unnecessarily cast me between relief and doubt, but then again, I have been oscillating in between ever since that day...just that the amplitude is now somewhat smaller.

Perhaps I will have to wait till there is a long break again. My age, for once, has an advantage; having technically learnt more, my workload has been naturally lessened in comparison. Perhaps this isn't a good thing after all. I have too much to think about; too little to distract me away from the matter at hand.

Oh how times have changed. I have now been plagued by all the troubles and negative values I used to scorn upon others; and blame them on the imaginary principle of the power of Divine Evil. But now I know where all this stems from. I have been far too solitary, too dependant on myself. It is the emergence of the final piece of the puzzle which moulds my character, which exposes all the weaknesses within me. Along with this confusion brought a new bout of curiosity, desire, despair and jealousy. Over time, I have learnt to somewhat suppress these feelings, but it's not over yet. But do I want it to end? I have had a clear example, presented to but fortunately not directly affecting me. I can imagine the outcome had the situation actually concerned me and it has somewhat prepared me for the worst. But if I don't succeed, the probability of this situation happening is highly possible. And I won't be able to prepare myself in reaction to that and what happens afterwards.

It is all so mysterious. We never know how you all think. Possibly you all never thought about it, but we do. Perhaps we notice little things too much. But don't leave hints now. I'd prefer if you all explicitly state your intentions right from the start, but I know it doesn't work that way. We will have to learn through trial and error. And now I'm committing error after error. When will I strike the right spot which solves this massive enigma? It's a universal question so many other people share, yet each one's situation is unique. And that's what makes this confusing to me as well. There's nothing I can refer to, but blindly feel my way across. Potholes are everywhere, and I can't even tell when I'm falling through one. I'm just waiting for it to end - the time when I strike the ground or somehow stumble my way across. But either way, it has been an experience. It's right to say, if we were presented with what we want easily, we'd take it for granted. Now, through all the trials and tribulations, and all the considerations that went with them, we would never let go of what we have...provided we actually acquire it. And with that, you have my word.

But, would you ever think of it as much as we do...? We may never know.
JLam posted this at 02:38 | link | 0 comments |

Thursday, March 07, 2013


Thank you for the reprieve, for it does seem like we've finally set ourselves back to the starting point.

With just one exception: that my degree of obsession has been somewhat diminished. It is still there, but my mind automatically treats this differently. And my soul feels much more at ease with this.

It was the first time since then when I had a one-on-one conversation personally, and you treated like nothing had ever happened. Indeed, we have returned to what we were before. But what does this mean? Do you take this as nothing, or are you just plain oblivious? I'm rather inclined to assume the second option, as I come to understand you more. After this chance fate has given me, I'll let things cool off a bit and stabilise the situation.

For the curiosity of human nature, and what comes with it, always harbours the notion of greed, no matter how slight. As I have come to realize that this aspect within me is much more conventional than my other aspects, I have no doubt to keep up my optimism. I just have no idea if you'll take it that way. As mentioned, I'll take it even more slowly this time.

Too many things are happening around us. All these distracting factors are but a topic for us to discuss; we are passengers to the surroundings. We should not let this relative speed cause our impulsiveness, or rather, mine alone. In fact, I might even judge my feelings and if I manage to suppress it fully then this is how it would stay and continue. After all, it is not me who gets the last say however quickly I progress.

There are still many unanswered questions though, but those aren't critically important right now. Knowing the answers might even put me out of ease. All I have to see is the front you're setting up, and for now it seems promising. You have given me the experience; I have learnt greatly from this, and in the end now, I didn't sacrifice anything major. But there are higher heights to achieve. It might be selfish of me to continue this pursuit, but at least the hardest part seems to be over. I'll be sure to continue improving myself; and you must do too. But do not rule me out on this.

My adventures continue.
JLam posted this at 02:15 | link | 0 comments |

Saturday, March 02, 2013

Symptoms of Withdrawal

I can't help but feel so ashamed of myself now. I guess I really need the viewpoint of other people to assist me in my emotional journey. After getting more opinions from an entirely new (and technically, more reliable) subset of people, I have been able to understand more from your point of view. It all boils down to that unforgivable mistake...the one that I was able to prevent, the one which caused all this misery, the one which caused you all this discomfort, the one which ruined my goal.

For I have to place this trust in the essence of human beings. As little faith as they might seem on the outside, I have underestimated their will and compassion in sharing my pain and the encouragement they are able to provide. All this mess was wrought from my infidelity, and ignoring all the warning signs all so apparent in retrospect. Despite being able to pin the blame of minor issues on others, the final greatest offender is myself. I have to emphasize this and remind myself again and again, for this is how human beings succeed by learning from mistakes.

Everytime anything starts going with you, my spirit is rekindled; my interest reawakened. I have to learn to put this down totally. I need to understand this is how we will return to how we were. You were already ready; it was I all along who was still lingering around in my reverie. It has been an entire month already...so short yet so long a time to slowly diffuse the awkwardness. In fact, it was already done...but somehow, it was brought back, however inadvertently.

From now, I will deny my infatuation as a test of my willpower. As much as I have wronged, it is my duty to learn from these, and I am confident you will be able to tell from this. Put everything out of my mind and return to the oblivious advocate I once was. Counter the sine curve with the cosine curve. Whatever it takes to turn back my emotional clock. Fate has since forsaken me, but if it were to return, we'll start this anew. If I can't take it backward, I'll take it forward in reverse. Until then, farewell.

And with this, hopefully another episode in my life has been closed. I didn't enjoy it, but I sure learnt from it.
JLam posted this at 01:14 | link | 0 comments |