DiViNE EViL

For much of my life, I have been the supporting role of others. The strange thing is, I would usually prefer not to be exposed, but a bit of me yearns to acquire that glory; that feeling of euphoria.

In the end, it leaves me with a lesser sense of responsibility. Last saturday I attended CHSSB's annual concert at VCH, with the main reason as to listen to the premiere of Fei Yang's piece, Threnody. As I sat in the audience, inside of me, the spirit of composing to rival him rises again. Unfortunately, the lack of committment I have usually results in a piece that lasts no longer than thirty bars (usually getting pissed off with the score-writing computer program). However, I feel the growing progress that I have made. The first time I had this feeling, I wrote a two-minute piece for violin, flute, trumpet and oboe (I think it was oboe). The second time, I wrote a full 6-minute piano solo that I was unfortunately unsatisfied with. Some bits and pieces of motifs spanning half a page were also noted. This time, the obstacle seems to be studies and time. Next week I will be on a school trip, and after that is a mad rush to study nearly everything in three weeks for the mid-year examinations. Besides, there are not many strong motifs stuck in my head now.

I dare not speak of PJCSB now, as I sense the presence of DiViNE EViL, extremely near. Blogs coming into question, that is...I felt extremely neutral, as I have always done so. However, there was a sense of foreboding. A sense of urgency to halt the progress of thought. In the end, the issue remained fairly anonymous, but it did not seem that way to whom the issue was addressed to.

That is why I am so vague, and used to be even more vague, in referring to certain people or organizations. Long ago I knew it was not safe to post information referring specifically to people as to protect their privacies. In the end, my main expressions on a blog here are not about the little things that have happened between me and whoever not in school. The person doesn't matter unless you know him/her well. And only if you have truly evaluated this person honestly, can you actually have some little bit of power to comment on him. What I am currently feeling at this instant will then be slightly processed and typed. I may be a hypocrite sometimes and contradictions may arise, but I'm more of a 'present' person. My memory is fairly poor.

For something that I feel that I can excel in, I will have the confidence to lead. Otherwise, no matter how well I start off with something, I'd rather be in the shadow of the leader, the guide for success.

For some reason, fear starts to plague me now.

Losing control of my control buttons of my keyboards, that is.

Fortunately, I know when they are going crazy as there is a function with the mouse button that lets you find the position of the cursor by pressing 'ctrl' and a huge circle will close in onto that point. So sometimes, when I am using this poor excuse of a laptop, it goes crazy and auto-holds the control key. Then I see mass circles closing in the cursor, and spam my 4 control and alternate keys (on two keyboards) to cure this annoying thing.

In my experience, having control key held down is the one of the most horrible thing syou can actually experience. First, you can't scroll with your mouse. Instead, it increases or decreases text size. Next, you can't minimize or maximize windows normally. Instead, you have to right click and manually click 'restore' or 'minimize'. Or even worse, when I start up the laptop and the ctrl-syndrome is automatically applied, pressing the 'C' key yields a 'you can't copy text from a password field' message.

There are some funny things that happen too, like just a few moments ago, when the ctrl-syndrome appeared and I started spamming the 8 keys. I pressed ctrl a few more times, and the computer shut down. W T F.

For that previous dream, another unrelated one followed in the next night which involved Collin screwing up time-retardation, but that is quite unimportant. I have returned to dreamless mode.

Uh. I think I don't feel like typing anymore.

Extremely Peculiar...

Last night (or in fact, this early morning), there was a storm, and strong winds, stronger than I have ever experienced. I woke up to close the windows, but I was told by my family that there was also an extremely loud sound of thunder. Somehow, I did not hear that, as usually I would. Instead, I went back to sleep and had a pretty clear dream. A dream that I have experienced in a long time.

*Dream*
I do not know how it started, but I ended up being on the top of an extremely tall building. I was feeling slightly dizzy (or just mentally retarded), and I had a sniper rifle. Using that rifle, I aimed to the ground and shot a one-year-old (don't ask me how I knew), another person and a dog (I guess).

I was then caught and brought for trial. Instead, I just plead guilty without any other explaination. Apparently some people were surprised but I was adamant.

Curiously, I was given a jail sentence of three years. The jail looked more like a camp to me, and there was a road behind that one could easily jump to. However that road did not really lead to anywhere so there was no point anyway.

There I survived like normal, as if in a trance. I received news from school hearing that my classmates can't play Bridge without my cards (...) and something else I could not remember.

Naturally, I would go looking for a piano. I did find a piano, and an awkward one at that. This piano had a right angle to it where one side was a standard keyboard while the other side had just two octaves. Somebody was playing on the standard keyboard so I sat on the right angle and attempted to play the two-octave keyboard. Naturally I could not play anything with such a small range, so I waited. As the other person left, I went over to the other keyboard, and did I play or not? I could not remember. After that, it was fairly blur and I think I woke up.

*/End Dream*

Still, it felt strong and much more than I can remember of many other dreams. It
gave me an awkward feeling too. The most curious thing was that it was a dream I fairly enjoyed, and with a sustainable duration. I should mention I have never intended to hurt any human individual.

Other than that, Slacking Sunday is as usual, but the topics are coming in order. At least the only subject in which I have totally no idea what is going on is mathematics, as it always has been. However, I can imagine something now...

Inside my head, I think insanity is starting to set in.

After this whirl of a term, I realise that it has not ended yet. Controlled by the mind-bogglers that restrict the transparency that guide us, we have in turn attempted to enjoy ourselves using the most crude methods imaginable. That is the truth of the purpose of Junior Colleges. You do feel stupid, but yet you enjoy yourself and then somehow you succeed. The truth of the unexpected.

Several weeks remain before I go on a trip to Taiwan with the band, then comes the June Holid...Studying Period. Seriously, the time is up. Worse for me, my reset button will not activate until the end of May when I return. Until then, I will hope the reset button wipes out all the uncertainties I have encountered.

The distractions of a computer...even with such a suck-brains computer like this keyboardless laptop (my neighbour finally lent me a working one), it manages to withstand the pressure I apply on it (not for long, I guess). Work or play, it still irritates me somehow, but getting used to this exposes me to tackle extremely awkward situations that somehow work (Like resetting my desktop over twenty times in a certain order).

Reset is what I need to do. Not what I do every morning, per se, when my emotions reset. It is a double-edged sword, I guess. However, the evolution of my character weans this resetting ritual eventually, which has seen me become more...lazy.

Or it feels more infused with the power of DiViNE EViL.

Apparently 30 minutes is all I need to understand something out of Mathematical Induction when I was screaming for help for two weeks.

Oh and on the first of May the band went to the Istana to perform some pieces. Fortunately we didn't melt, as the shade helped us. Since last week the weather has been scorching hot and humid. It was so bad that I can feel the heat before the sun rises at nearly seven in the morning. Then there will not be a single cloud in the sky...unlike earlier in the year, when the mornings were sunny and the evenings experienced showers or thunderstorms.

The weather hurts my head badly. It gives me some dizzy spells occasionally where I stone into space, staring into the void of Nevilinity.

Well, perhaps not that bad. For now, competitions and co-curriculum activities have ruled over the whole term. Everybody is busy and the good thing is that tests are kept to a minimum. Everybody is in a slack-ish mood...

Not until three weeks later when they realise they have no knowledge on how to do over sixty topics spanning four subjects. For me, I'm only confident on perhaps ten of those topics. Whoa, this has got me worrying.

So now, the thing that keeps me going...is the fact that I can succeed with the help of others. Yeah you've got that right.