DiViNE EViL

And so it has ended. For I applaud your final bout of honesty, giving me the confirmation which I required. You probably realised there was no point holding it back anymore anyway. There were clues hinting at this premonition. I was supposed to prepare myself to give everything up. And now that the hammer has been dropped, I guess I should be pretty much thankful that these previous events have mitigated the pain that I would experience. Again, it is too early for me to express all that I'm feeling...as these might change, like they did before, in the coming days. But I've tried as much as I could, while being as much as who I am. In the end...it might even be a good thing that we weren't forced together.

And so only the last piece of the puzzle is left, which is about all the sequence of events that led up to this. I had probably picked up tiny hints everywhere, but there were also other clues which turned out to be false, deliberately misleading me from the true situation. But even my heart knows...that the three times it has been battered and pierced...were the three genuine major checkpoints which outlined this entire story.

It has nearly been 6 months...a majestic period of memories, experiences, wonderment, and mystery. It is something that I ought to forget now...although I have everything entirely chronologically archived. As it is said, it is probably a good thing that I'm leaving this physically, and return to the land where my oblivious self once thrived and flourished. But I have to come back...all along, I wished I never had to go away. Now...I will have to deal with a new troublesome prospect of the future this event brings. I can no longer be with you as freely as we did, as you have now someone you're supposed to be with. Though it was of my own accord to help you...I would never probably be able again to repeat what I have done. You're not on your own...but I'm not with you.

If I do recover, I'll look back at this and thank myself I haven't gotten involved in anything more. Even now, I look back at what I did months ago and can already assess the situations more accurately than how I did then. This one experience...a grand one at that, has tested my conscience, my principles, and my abilities to the greatest extent. Although I have failed...and only marginally so, it has prepared me for my next test...should I ever get the opportunity to be retested.

I still do not desire to detest anybody or hold any grudges. After all, I have never really seriously done so before, and this again calls in one of my principles - that I will always have respect for somebody until they choose to lose it. This doesn't qualify, for it has to be from a direct reason. But how somebody as close as this I'm still not familiar with...might be a reprieve after all.

I shouldn't ask myself, why did all these happen? I should embrace the naturalness of the course of a human life. If it weren't for my past, I'd probably experienced this earlier anyway, at a period of time where it could even be more undesirable. In distracting myself, or actually harnessing and channeling this power into something that I actually liked and aimed to do, I have inadvertently propelled myself in the direction of my main goal. Now I know, I haven't failed that goal, but it has merged together with my main one. I have acheived more than I ever did. I have been more satisfied with the things I've created than I ever did. I have been encouraged, acknowledged, and supported more than I ever did. The many choices in life undoubtly have to end in a solid answer one way or another. Some will get the short end of the stick, no doubt. But what they lack in some areas, will be redeemed in others. For the real face of optimism deals with my actual fortune. Although my feelings will not respond to this mindset, I at least know that my direction is still set and clear. Do not make decisions in the course of a surge of emotions. Appreciate the joy of life. Acknowledge the randomness of judgment and luck which can fall upon anyone, anybody, and change their lives, characters, and future for others, for better or worse.

The unifying priniciple of Divine Evil. Ah, how I have missed you.

Forgive myself.

Our histories have been quite different indeed, and with that we would be used to different customs and procedures. Things that I find normal might be a surprise to you. It is with your reaction to such cultural changes which might be a barrier for anyone else to get closer. Things that we might find special to you, are not appreciated by yourself because you are used to them. Therefore, causing you to adapt...is the challenge.

Although my character is similar, I do not openly display my reactions to the differences, and I generally accept whatever that is within my tolerance. However, expanding these boundaries...is a trickier task. How far out should I venture? Has it got to be within what you are used to, but out of my limit? I guess only trial and error will suffice. Not being a local, I only have vague ideas of what is considered normal here, although the communities are supposedly quite similar. Or maybe...again, it's just you who's different?

It's not easy for me but I guess I have to call my bravery to the test. Never have I thought I possessed enough...alongside with courage. But there isn't much time and opportunity left. I'm deeply sorry I'm using you as a subject of my trail and error...but we all have to start somewhere. Besides, I have already done too much for you. More than I thought I ever would.

But again, it lingers on my mind: I don't think I would ever want to succeed this way. If I did, there would be too much to be expected from myself. Not to mention that miscommunications still happen. The constraints still linger, which isn't a good sign for me. Though in the fourth attempt, I have mostly put behind all the misery which I had, I think I have come to realise that this has only put me out of obsession, but not desire. I will require a greater force to pull me away. That undoubtly will come three weeks later when I leave. But in between...should I just give it one last shot?

Time and again I have reminded myself not to fall into this trap...I have even been saved from one after falling as a victim. I know what it is like. But perhaps, I have to be the bad guy this time...to play the role I have never imagined. The role which amasses all the qualities which I never believed I had enough of. But the levels are reaching a new ceiling, and if I don't make use of them now, they'll return to where they used to be.

The summary? A task I'm reluctant to take. A reward which I'm not sure I want. A bunch of prerequisites which I have never had. A method which I had never used. An experience, with its amount potentially great, which I have never had, but will probably require anyway. This is going to be tough...but perhaps it won't be so bad.

And that's what I keep saying. Can I do it? Again, only time will tell.

I should have known it wasn't so simple. Right after I thought I had succeeded, the test pressed on...causing me to cast doubt in my answer. Already, this continuous erosion of my willpower has begun to reveal the cracks that I have only recently mended. Faced with the line of questioning, I can't deny...things which are still the truth. And as my natural character starts to exhibit itself, this liberty I have around you has quelled some of my previous awkwardness and fears.

I can still feel my emotions longing for something, but there seems to be nothing it can really latch itself on. That I feel I have successfully disengaged the link between you, causing a loss of a sense of direction and polarity within me. But it still searching, tirelessly attempting to turn my mind back to history. It seems like the only thing keeping me to my sanity now is ironically, your indifference. Knowing that this will never be reciprocal, I am able to keep my resolve to reject the possibility given our history. And from your reactions, I can infer the same thing now. But I have thought too much, way too much. Even in my slumber, your indifference is a recurring theme, the prime subject occupying the bulk of my phantasmic visions. Even my subconscious mind is pulling the strings, which will return me to where I do not belong, establishing the link between the conscious mind and my emotions again. Not to mention, all this, without you knowing a thing. Is your obliviousness to be underestimated? Perhaps I really have to end everything in the way I had intended. For each truth I do not divulge, I get a mystery that is not solved. Answers result in more answers...do I have to give all I have to obtain all I can? I might just have to.

It is not all over yet. There is still a week to our last assessment, before this academic year has finally ended. I've probably learnt more things not academically related, though...when we consider that several examination papers actually have graded questions asking us to write on what we learnt this semester. Should I say that was fortunate that I didn't have a great workload? Was the lack of work the reason why I couldn't be distracted, or why my feelings couldn't be suppressed? Or was the lack of work an alleviation which ensured my grades weren't that adversely affected? Either way, there was less I learnt there than the lessons which I truly gained from. Indeed, everybody has a different way in absorbing information. The teaching method was effective, but I didn't enjoy it. I didn't enrol myself into this course. But it was one that I had to pay attention the most, to do my own research, to complete my own projects, to set my own examination. It is also the one that will never give me my grade. It's just a border between passing and failing. Where do I stand?

I guess the level of interest we have in something is shown by how much we care about it. Judging from this, one can infer many things...perhaps too many. There might be some variance on the capacity of concern exhibited by individuals as well. Until these levels start to change, the general situation will probably remain as it is right now. Or perhaps...until they realise the significance of these levels. Or perhaps, they know...but there is nothing they can do. There is nothing to be done.

For the burden of knowledge is the reason why the essence of joy is unable to be harnessed by people.

This test was placed in front of me, and I'm satisfied with how I handled everything. For it is a proof to myself that I have gotten over everything. And about time, too. Just three days ago, I resolved to put it down for the fourth time...two days ago, I felt that I was going to succeed...and yesterday, the premonition to challenge my willpower suddenly sprung up at me. And today, I have confirmed that I have been freed from my confusions.

For I am much more free and natural around you. I have finally come to treat you the same was as I do with everybody else. And that is the true part of me of which I really am. I required a bit of confirmation and warming up, but after that, everything proceeded smoothly. And that included everything that came before, during, and after. During my period of misery, I couldn't be happier asking for a day like this. Now that I'm free from it, this is but a gift, one that I do not expect, but one which I accept and return graciously.

I didn't go all according to plan, though. Now that I think of it, I will probably hold from telling the truth about myself, or at least so soon. Even in this aspect I have become more controlled. If it's not absolutely necessary, I shouldn't dig this up, lest I blame my own impulsiveness again. After all, it's just four days...and there's still another test coming up. But that shouldn't be such a problem. I should think less about what other perceive of us...even though it was the truth before, it isn't the truth now.

However, holding on to that means there is at least one question still lingering. Perhaps it's just as easy as forgetting about it, or deliberately not mentioning it. But we're so close to touching on that subject every time, that my mind undoubtedly flitters momentarily to it...does it for you?

This brings us to another point: that I have to fully admit, if you'd choose to change your mind, I'd oblige...but that's not happening. And I shouldn't expect that to happen. I shouldn't even think about it. I should have succumbed by now, but it's good to know I have not. My strength is returning...and I will accept who I am. Differences exist, we know that. But we shouldn't make our differences our similarities. In fact, it's even more natural that we be able to accept them. And that's how it will be.

Naturalness...is the true face of destiny.

The word doesn't affect me as much as it used to. A mention of the word no longer draws my immediate attention. The prospect of coming across your path no longer surfaces whenever possible. I think this is it - I'm returning to who I once was.

And the warmth is slowly returning. My senses are slowly restored. My life simpler, my freedom re-established. I speak without fear. I discuss without awkwardness. I live without pain.

This journey has been a long and troublesome one, but I trudged through the storm and made it out alive. I may have suffered a few injuries but they taught me how to prevent them the next time I face the same obstacles. Ultimately, I didn't lose anything. Through the senseless plundering, I had to reach unprecedented levels of courage and passion. And about time too. This in addition eliminates several dilemmas that might have cropped up over the long break. The problems I have to solve are now mine alone.

I wonder how I will have to break it out to you. Then, more options will be opened...I might finally obtain all the answers I've been looking for. The answers to everything that has troubled me in the past four months. Was I thinking too much, or too little? Assumptions can only get me so far. Now, the option to see the truth will be opened to me. Or so I hope.

You might not really want the details, nor might I be willing to share everything, but I would really want to describe and recall all that I've been through. Perhaps it might enlighten you to your apparent obliviousness. There sure are positive and negative aspects of such a quality, but then again, everything in moderation. Ha, seems like I care less if you would think too much now.

We will still keep in touch. But I will no longer volunteer to assist you in your every move. Not that I think you really needed it, anyway. We'd do well on our separate ways, and this was just not meant to be. In this aspect, you have been right. Now that I have come to understand most of your decisions, I am really appreciative of how you handled the overall situation. But perhaps, it might just be natural in that position. After all, the supply of other stories will never cease. And it will probably be a while before fate decides to fool with me again.

Until then, I can put this to rest once and for all.

The last month of my first study year here has arrived, and with it another resolve: to put it down again for the fourth time. Barring those feelings returning again, what I feel now seems to be possible given my situation right now. And somehow, the number 4 seems to have some affinity with me...or that's what my superstitious sense says. After all, my new HK phone number sums it all up...the number 4 appears 4 times, and adding up all the 8 digits of the number yields the sum of 44.

My nervousness seems to have been overcome...and probably, with it, my feelings as well. There will be one last test - then, as I get ready to return to SG...the chapter would finally be closed. Until then, I cannot declare this to be over - lest the same thing happens again, like how it did the past three times.

When I look closer, there are never enough secrets to be told. As time goes by, new ones will surface, and old ones will be harder to contain. But I now know the burden of knowledge, and the adversity of divulging too much of it. It's a life lesson learnt, and it will be put to good use.

Let me restart this anew. There will be a better story to be told. After all, dramas don't get interesting if there aren't any setbacks. But now I understand how there are so many things talking about this phenomenon. All those songs and pieces written about all possible situations. And what people manage to do just for the sake of it. As my mold regains its shape and returns to how it was, my radar will be set on a more straightforward path. This was not destined, but there might be other unexpected things which might contribute to an even more appropriate outcome. There will undoubtly be success and good luck to offset the failure and unsuccessfulness. It is just all in due time.

Recede and reprieve.

I thought it was successful, and it indeed was in my point of view, but now that I look at it again, the true implications were unmistakenly obvious.

You knew my intentions, and when you were dedicated a piece associated with such a solemn atmosphere...was it immediately apparent that I expressed my true feelings through music? If that wasn't obvious enough, the conversation thereafter, despite it being started by you, should have resonated with your train of thought. And there I was still immersed in my own world, lauding my own hardwork for what it is. Only when I played it to other people, did I receive the feedback that their first impression was that of a truly sorrowful mood. Is it really that oppresive? Regardless...it does truly resonate with my mood at the time when I actually play it.

That aside, what did I actually hope to achieve otherwise? Although this time, I had to admit that what I did truly reflects my feelings, I had done it without thinking about the repercussions again. I was indeed thinking too much initially, but after what I said, I guess it isn't too far-fetched to come to such a conclusion. Yet I still doubt it matters to you much anyway. Initially, you gave little thought...since there are indeed more important things to care about right now. Now, I am of no relation...you mean good to me, but you aren't willing to be any more personal than it is right now. I can't blame you for that. I have come across...being too cautious and conscious, and not being myself. It is probably best even for myself to stop here. But I have already tried, and failed, thrice...there is nowhere for the emotions to escape to after suppressing them. But with each time, it has at least slightly dwindled...however, in between, too much has happened which I prefer not to experience again. The mysteries are still there, but I no longer want the answers to them. I'm willing to trade my knowledge for freedom.

And so, another month has passed. This will be the last it will pass normally, for the semester is finally about to end. And what a semester it has been. In just four months, my world has been torn asunder; my capacities stretched to their limits. Yet, there is still no conclusion...there is no final word. But it's time for some well-needed rest; it is time I return to where I am truly familiar with, where I never experienced these troubles, where I had been throughout my life...to recuperate and hopefully ressurect my fallen spirit. However, that is still a month away, and, as fragile or stagnant the situation is, everything can change with no warning. Not like it is going to be for the better of me, anyway. Because now I understand the basis of your intention. You are appreciative of what I do and who I am, and that I have worked to mould myself around these points. But that is the furthest extent, and neither am I willing to change anything about myself too drastically beyond that. And that is likely to be how it will stand...until the end.

It is never too late to learn life's lessons.