Thursday, May 23, 2013
Although my character is similar, I do not openly display my reactions to the differences, and I generally accept whatever that is within my tolerance. However, expanding these boundaries...is a trickier task. How far out should I venture? Has it got to be within what you are used to, but out of my limit? I guess only trial and error will suffice. Not being a local, I only have vague ideas of what is considered normal here, although the communities are supposedly quite similar. Or maybe...again, it's just you who's different?
It's not easy for me but I guess I have to call my bravery to the test. Never have I thought I possessed enough...alongside with courage. But there isn't much time and opportunity left. I'm deeply sorry I'm using you as a subject of my trail and error...but we all have to start somewhere. Besides, I have already done too much for you. More than I thought I ever would.
But again, it lingers on my mind: I don't think I would ever want to succeed this way. If I did, there would be too much to be expected from myself. Not to mention that miscommunications still happen. The constraints still linger, which isn't a good sign for me. Though in the fourth attempt, I have mostly put behind all the misery which I had, I think I have come to realise that this has only put me out of obsession, but not desire. I will require a greater force to pull me away. That undoubtly will come three weeks later when I leave. But in between...should I just give it one last shot?
Time and again I have reminded myself not to fall into this trap...I have even been saved from one after falling as a victim. I know what it is like. But perhaps, I have to be the bad guy this time...to play the role I have never imagined. The role which amasses all the qualities which I never believed I had enough of. But the levels are reaching a new ceiling, and if I don't make use of them now, they'll return to where they used to be.
The summary? A task I'm reluctant to take. A reward which I'm not sure I want. A bunch of prerequisites which I have never had. A method which I had never used. An experience, with its amount potentially great, which I have never had, but will probably require anyway. This is going to be tough...but perhaps it won't be so bad.
And that's what I keep saying. Can I do it? Again, only time will tell.