DiViNE EViL DiViNE EViL: March 2009


Sunday, March 29, 2009

Cut the laziness

So now is the time that all levels have been stepped up. At work, a sudden increase in responsibility has seen me falter slightly, albeit with luck that I am given chances.

Additionally, I am finally getting into my stride by attempting teaching. I guess it didn't go too bad, though two hours straight kind of exhausted me...

I still have to improve my 'public relations', especially like meeting new people. I take way to long to assimilate into the character of others. I tend to scrutinize them too much before opening up, because of the lack of initiative.

Assessing of weaknesses...reducing their liability. Hopefully this turns out well.

Success would arrive at last.
JLam posted this at 20:52 | link | 0 comments |

Friday, March 20, 2009

Three dumb years

It has been three years. Three painful years. Since the last time I have been truly absorbed in what I wanted to do. Now because I have gone the wrong way in these three years, even after changing the path once, I feel utterly stupid. Sigh. What could have been.

Did I not think of that earlier? I probably didn't. Somehow my blame is always aiming towards my father, but I can't do that all the time. But my reasoning here was that even though he keeps telling me I have the choice of studying what I want, he gives the impression, or hints at, his disapproval. Knowing the indecisiveness of my character that I was, I decided to take a stab at Polytechnic life. Turned out that I really passed the days in pain. So my mind turned back to the straight and true path which is A levels. Or so I thought. Why did I not think I could turn from the right-side path to the left? I went back on the rocky middle mainstream path. Now I find the left side path is obviously the one which suits me the most. Unfortunately it's over the mountains now and I will really have to climb the mountains to get back to it, or I would be stick in this mudhole.

The only thing I was thankful of my tertiary education life, other than the good times our class had, was the piano in the hall. Thanks to Tay Yi I have actually dared to play pieces of decent difficulty, if not I would be stuck in the mudhole not knowing even where to go. At least I still have decent contacts in the left lane, which might just be able to pull me back on track. Unfortunately I have already lost out quite a bit, and in this age, time is everything.

If I had not known earlier, I would be what I could have been. Now I have to find a way out of the mudhole first. Can I clamber out via somehow studying music during my two years serving national service? Can I escape via some other course which I can somehow miraculously enter in university? Or will I drown in this mudhole for eternity?

No, I don't think that time which I will be stuck will ever come. Absorption of the power of DiViNE EViL for the last resort. Out of my way, I've got a mountain to climb.

For now, the goal in my future has finally been defined.
JLam posted this at 23:16 | link | 0 comments |

Sunday, March 15, 2009


And so arrived, the dusk as the scene. EViL stabbed me in the back and I collasped. Now I am lost in the abyss, searching for a sign of light.

It was so bad that my blog fell as well. It never opened for me for a few days. My phone line collapsed, and so did my internet. Left in the void, I shrunk to a corner and thought of what could have been.

And so, years after my last ever achievement I fell to a deeper hole. A lower level. No plan at all. Unable to produce evidence of substance, I have been eliminated from the academic knock-out stage. The path is blocked and I can rise no further. What's worse is that this can't be helped for another two years.

Even in my imagined worst situation could not my Chemistry Grade fall as low as that. I have put in twice the effort compared to Physics and it has just the same grade. I have put in ten times the effort compared to Mathematics and it is just one grade better. I came out feeling confident about it and it results in this. Until now, I still can't believe the apparent fact that has surfaced. My chemistry grade is too low and my mathematics grade, which I didn't really give a damn about, is too high. There has been some mistake somewhere somehow.

Now my confidence has dropped low again. My father is at it again, the conscience-sapper loafing around draining the confidence out of others. At camp, the tension has been quite high during the previous week. Friends and family no longer help, so only words will emerge. Even then, my internet, computer and blog can fail on me anytime.

The change is going against my principles. Very soon I will be unable to control them if this goes on. I feel much more ugre for an outburst to occur during the past few months. In this year, my back doesn't hurt, but very soon my mind will. The power of DiViNE EViL is sapping the values from within me. The feeling to be unaware and cold towards others is bliss. I felt this for the first time this Monday. The EViL rising within me. Against my will.

But soon I will realise that this power of EViL is required to face the outside world.
JLam posted this at 19:58 | link | 0 comments |