DiViNE EViL

It meant nothing more to you, as how it would if I were in this situation as well. I'd have to say I'm mildly satisfied with how things turned out. I didn't mess up too badly and you appreciated my effort, but somehow put me in a weird situation. In your eagerness you might have not realised, of course...

Coincidentally on the morning of the actual day, I woke up with the onset of symptoms of my recurring vertigo. I did what I could to prevent it from manifesting into the full-fledged horror I had experienced twice before, and I'd have to say I think it worked out quite well. Though I still have mild vertigo, nothing worse will be triggered if I maintain a normal position, though my sleeping positions are limited in such a way that I may become stiff after not moving for too long.

That aside, I hope my working momentum continues forward more than just via my plans and thoughts. In my mind, all types of forms and structures start to materialise, but coming up with the actual content is the main obstacle. Not to mention, for once, academics come into play...the semester, my first year here, is about to end, and with it, a regurgitation of what I've learnt...or have I yet?

As for now, a musical represention of emotions, replaced by sorrowful tunes...mysterious patterns...eloquent melodies...flood my mind, and are yearning to be materialised and reproduced. And there's no longer any forseeable deadline to continue driving this force forward. But it's what I desire, what I appreciate, and what I ultimately live my life for. This is my true aspiration, my true dream. It starts here. Whether I'm successful or not...that's another story. I have to at least satisfy my own conscience. The first step is paved...now I have to continue building the path, even though I have no idea where it leads to. But I do know it will bring me to new, unexplored places, away from the static encirclement of monotonousness, restricted by ignorance.

Let us proceed...and retrieve.

Though I know it would probably not have any major effect anyway, I will be continuing on with my plan...and hope you will accept my humble creation. Well, you could technically take it from the point of view of a normal friendship, which is how you would probably react to. My committed dedication has, however, proven that it is a viable propelling element. I have never been able, on my own will, to fervently refine my own work, even though it is something I desire to perfect. Although I'm not entirely satisfied, I deem it as acceptable enough for my own standards.

Already in the shadow of its advent, I plan to start a second work. There might be no deadline to drive this one on, but hopefully my momentum can keep up. After all, soon there'll be an excess of time for me. You no longer choose to follow this way, and I respect that decision, but that is my main goal. I've come here for that, to acquire and harness the skills, no matter how unorthodox, to augment my ability. But as long as your natural interest is there, I hope you will continue putting in at least a little effort in it, and I shall assist you as much as I can.

I've failed to give up thrice over already...against my well-being, why do I still insist? I do feel the effects gradually diminishing with each passing though...how many more impacts do I have to take to finally collapse according to my will?

Again, I thought it was over...but the little trivial things that you relate back to me affect me multiple times more. For the sake of your request I engage all possible contacts to ensure they don't do the same thing again, even though that might even worsen the situation. My memory suddenly becomes much sharper, remembering every little detail you mentioned. But seeing it isn't the same for you, I know that this isn't reciprocal. I fear that I will tread on the wrong nerve, where in reality every kind of interpersonal relationship is bound to have at least miniscule amounts of disagreement. I truly mean goodwill, but will one wrong step really render our relations into nothingness?

I, for one, will always respect people until they lose it. Even then, my leniency allows this level of respect to regenerate over time provided there is no interaction between us. I personally can think of numerous examples; there aren't any grudges that I have ever kept. But again, I have to question the nature of this special case...I'm dealing with something I'm still not entirely familiar with. Will this, along with my emotions, be a special case with effect to my principles, where technically, special refers to generic?

But I know, I cannot change you. Well, maybe I can, but not in that aspect. To change you, I change myself. To help myself, I help you. Perhaps this is what I am really meant to gain. And I admit, I do feel a change. I'm becoming somebody who I have never tried becoming before.

Righteousness does not bring success. But being right...is all that's enough for me to fulfil.

Now I wonder...is the reason for the lack of tension on your part due to your underestimation of my level of infatuation? It does seem like, since that day which I divulged what I shouldn't, you have not taken my words seriously. That might be the cause of all these inadvertent misconceptions. Perhaps you were accustomed to a different standard of coercion. But I set my own standards. There is no precedent benchmark which I could, or will, follow. I'm determined to be who I am and gradually and smoothly assimiliating into this situation is what I have to learn.

It wasn't obvious if you never wanted to bring the topic up or undermine the impact it has had on everything surrounding us. Now I have uncovered a bit more on the way you think, indirectly from your own expressions, I guess I have come to realise the reasons of my insignificance. You would have not believed the extent of my obsession that has plagued me these past few months. But gradually you shall be acknowledged. This week, opportunities have arisen for me to take the first step. Following my principles this time, I plan to work this out patiently and gradually, until you acknowledge, to the maximum extent, of my dedication. Perhaps you will be unfavourable to the notion that I am still so strongly affected by this, but either way, I will establish myself to such a point that it will still be against one's conscience to undo our levels of familiarity.

That said, helping others, in a way, is helping myself. I am working as hard as how I had initially imagined. There is enough desire to fuel the drive that propels myself towards the long-term goals. Even if now, you are out of reach, but with committment I can finally manipulate my mind to use this as a detour to reach my main goal. Could this be enough to tie up the loose ends of the potential cycle?

Yet, somehow, the differences between us become more apparent. Unsynchronised in train of thoughts, characteristic obstacles have caused minor confusions between us in conversations. Even I myself become tangled between speech and thought. I become a totally different person, more at ease, in conversations with your friend. Why do I still become like that when around you, even though I no longer have anything major to hide, lose, or express?

I still have to be thankful that I've got much more than I initially hoped for. My heart does not comply but I am gradually becoming numb to its instinctive desires. However...the balance is still not entirely steady. Unknowingly to you, more has spread...others know more than they seem. But only if you knew the extent of this...would you still accept this situation as it is? I long for the day where I can tell you everything, but many circumstances, both benificial and detrimental, may lead to this...so for now, I'll just accept things as they are.

That what you see is really only the tip of the iceberg.

I know you mean goodwill and nothing more, but won't you be afraid that I will infer differently from what you imply, or do you just not expect me to do anything, given my passive character?

Or perhaps you are so desperate for your ideal situation to happen that you wouldn't mind my little interference? I am not inclined to believe you're so insensitive, or perhaps you're just underestimating the pain I have gone through. Though this does not affect me much anymore, inside my mind I'm still confused in why you would confide this kind of information to me. Even when I'm putting myself in your shoes...I can't imagine really doing such a thing. If we were just good friends, sure...but we're good friends with a catch. And I never even gave you the confirmation that I'm no longer pursuing this matter. Imagine if you found someone else...what of me, then?

Or maybe you've thought much more ahead than I've imagined. That I will not mind agreeing to these conditions, because they do not directly affect you. I'm overthinking again a bit here, but otherwise I really don't know the answer. Indeed, your minds and thoughts are difficult to decipher. I never know if you're thinking too little or too much. Based on our past experiences, it's probably the former...that you are willing to forget everything. But the one who's shackled...the one who's bound to instinct...isn't able to put everything down that easily. We all have good intentions...but sometimes, the combination of good intentions bring about undesirable situations.

Maybe...with my acceptance, you would have thought I wouldn't mind. And that's true...given the current state of affairs. Let us just hope it doesn't get worse than how it is now.

We think too much about things we care about; it's time I thought less.