DiViNE EViL DiViNE EViL: Underestimation


Saturday, April 13, 2013


Now I wonder...is the reason for the lack of tension on your part due to your underestimation of my level of infatuation? It does seem like, since that day which I divulged what I shouldn't, you have not taken my words seriously. That might be the cause of all these inadvertent misconceptions. Perhaps you were accustomed to a different standard of coercion. But I set my own standards. There is no precedent benchmark which I could, or will, follow. I'm determined to be who I am and gradually and smoothly assimiliating into this situation is what I have to learn.

It wasn't obvious if you never wanted to bring the topic up or undermine the impact it has had on everything surrounding us. Now I have uncovered a bit more on the way you think, indirectly from your own expressions, I guess I have come to realise the reasons of my insignificance. You would have not believed the extent of my obsession that has plagued me these past few months. But gradually you shall be acknowledged. This week, opportunities have arisen for me to take the first step. Following my principles this time, I plan to work this out patiently and gradually, until you acknowledge, to the maximum extent, of my dedication. Perhaps you will be unfavourable to the notion that I am still so strongly affected by this, but either way, I will establish myself to such a point that it will still be against one's conscience to undo our levels of familiarity.

That said, helping others, in a way, is helping myself. I am working as hard as how I had initially imagined. There is enough desire to fuel the drive that propels myself towards the long-term goals. Even if now, you are out of reach, but with committment I can finally manipulate my mind to use this as a detour to reach my main goal. Could this be enough to tie up the loose ends of the potential cycle?

Yet, somehow, the differences between us become more apparent. Unsynchronised in train of thoughts, characteristic obstacles have caused minor confusions between us in conversations. Even I myself become tangled between speech and thought. I become a totally different person, more at ease, in conversations with your friend. Why do I still become like that when around you, even though I no longer have anything major to hide, lose, or express?

I still have to be thankful that I've got much more than I initially hoped for. My heart does not comply but I am gradually becoming numb to its instinctive desires. However...the balance is still not entirely steady. Unknowingly to you, more has spread...others know more than they seem. But only if you knew the extent of this...would you still accept this situation as it is? I long for the day where I can tell you everything, but many circumstances, both benificial and detrimental, may lead to this...so for now, I'll just accept things as they are.

That what you see is really only the tip of the iceberg.

JLam posted this at 04:15


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