DiViNE EViL

I thought doing that would ease my pain, but it has only made me feel more miserable for as long as I could remember. In my mind I have tried pinning the blame on others but I know everything is of my own doing. I had set up the situation so perfectly; the situation was set up for me perfectly. There were last warnings and alarm bells ringing, but in my blind inexperience I surged on. And for a brief moment I felt liberated, but the repercussions were almost immediate. It is as they say; it is indeed a sickness. I am reminded of the times I was rendered helpless by vertigo, where I could do nothing but wait for the seconds to excruciatingly pass without aim.

I still don't know why I didn't think twice though. Or consult the help of others. Such an elementary mistake that I wouldn't make if it was in any other context. But this time it was another part of me which was leading the way. A part that had lay dormant all these years. And suddenly, it has burst into life, jolting other systems so much that they go haywire. It is something that truly cannot be academically studied.

Of course, I could still be optimistic. Maybe luck can still save me. More importantly, I have nevertheless gained something from this, and must learn to put it behind. Though I'm behind on time, the opportunities are always there if I look for them.

Hope is always there until you've given up.

As stated in my previous post, I had forseen it. I'm not sure how it would proceed from here, as I'm again venturing into a new part of uncharted territory. As always, thinking of what could have been. I misread the signs of potential help as unworthy trust and decided to tackle the problem head-on. Though the result wasn't as unexpected as undesirable, it still ended amicably.

Hopefully the strength I see in you is true. I truly hope I would not have otherwise ruined your intentions, spirit, and plans. I will continually assist you in any way I can, as it will be as much as helping myself.

I have ignored the signs. I took a fleeting pain as a long term sorrow and a fleeting relief as long term happiness. But the truth is, it's totally opposite. And even I had seen that coming.

Patience, my friend, is the key. I had known it all the time. Yet, in the end, in my obsession to adhere to my principles, I have broken others which are even more significant.

I had forseen it.

It's going to end too early either way. It seems like this week will be the last I will have to savour our friendship. And only through the conclusion of this uncertainty will I know whether we will be closer or farther in the future. I certainly hope it won't be the latter, but as the situation dictates it will add another layer of unpredictability and unknowingness.

I didn't plan for it to reach this stage so early, and having about to do so might have reduced our chances of company. But whether out of curiosity, naivete, or just austere desire, the unveiling seems inevitable. And I think you might have unexpectedly been thrown into the fray as well.

Of course, it might just be the fact that I have been thinking too much, a debilitating aspect that I know of myself. But these thoughts rob me of my concentration and slumber; a mystery that I want resolved and unresolved at the same time. There is a chance that it might all turn out well, but every other response seems to be unimaginable.

Consider it experience gained on my part either way. In truth, the introvertive pessimism in me is still ever-present, just a miniscule facet of my life I haven't divulged yet. My biggest concern will be the adversity this would have on our initial goals. Hopefully, whatever this may result in, we will still ultimately succeed...separately.

Now let judgment reign.

Though I never really intended to, too many things have made me yearn for the need to release this culmination of emotions. The mixture of desire, satisfaction, tranquility and ambition is an unusual combination. I don't know what is going to happen but there are clear goals in mind. Of course, in my history there were so many times the aim was spread out in front of me and I haven't been able to simply just work towards them. But now I have been straightened; my compass has aligned with my interests and I feel that something special can happen.

For how long this drive can keep me, I don't really know. But at least I have shown myself that it is possible, under a certain propelling desire, to fabricate the essence of success that I have imagined. Whether physical or emotional, this is but a small issue to others but is a self-battle in which I consider victorious. And it brings me back to my roots, my source of inspiration, and to believe not what others say, and not following what others do; it is to create the uniqueness of what I love. There is bound to be someone out there who appreciates my work for whatever it is. It may not seem conventional but this might be a trend, a niche, waiting for someone to exploit. And not because I am afraid there isn't a large audience for it will I not be a pioneer. The market is already out there. They just don't have a clear-cut supplier.

And although this won't be shared from my own mouth just yet, I will view this as the source of energy for my future endeavors. With any help, be it just one person, I will deem it as enough support for a chance of a breakthrough. There are so many things I need to do, just waiting to be done. I have to do it.

May my resolutions finally come true.