DiViNE EViL

I have realised, much later than I should have, that I haven't actually been even close to making any wishes or resolutions since the turn of the year...or since the anniversary of my existence. Perhaps it's because I don't even know what I want now. All the conflicting signs, all the desires against the truth...it's not going to last long, and it's not going to end well the way it's going. But I'm succumbing to it...just because there's nowhere else for my soul to pour into. This devotion...is going to waste, however. Everything that I can give now...will be gone forever, with nothing in return. But I just can't stop it.

I will probably require some distraction, but as it stands, this is the source of the distraction itself, restraining me from my ideal routines. All this fleeting short-term satisfaction will only result in long-term hardship and retrospective disappointment. I've lived my life this way all this time...a major flaw in my character. Perhaps if I forced myself, I could...I know the aspects of my character which are less desirable, but to change them...is really difficult, given my innate unwilllingness to do so.

Meanwhile it seems my creativity is getting more limited every time it is called into question. Every time I look back, I am somewhat amazed of the things I was able to do and the things I could conjure with ease. Perhaps now the standard is raised...to the standard. We are all on equal footing. It has taken me more time to get here anyway...so to outperform is only reasonable for me. For I have been too useless, too long.

Even now I'm lost, going round in circles, repeating what I've lamented about again and again. Perhaps I will need to lament about newfound problems. I'm sure there will be, though I'm just shovelling them behind an invisible veil, hoping I'll never see them...but as they accumulate, soon they'll completely block off my path to progress...and then removing things that I have difficulty seeing would be more difficult that removing them when they appeared in the first place...

Yeah, so...this really is the least of my worries. So get out of my mind. I have other things to accomplish. But I know...it's only a momentary reprieve...

As I know it, I have to learn to accept the concept of sacrifice.

This year couldn't have started off worse. Or perhaps it's just that I'm taking things which strike directly into reality. Harsh truths, one might say. Maybe I've known these truths for so long, but only now have they come into realisation. How do I deal with them? It will take another of myself to get through the adversity that is to come in 2014.

Going through the brief year chronologically, it has been suggested that my attraction is detrimental to me. Though it has already brought me a year of despair, it can apparently go worse. I'm not imagining things; can one really be this oblivious? If it can be seen from others within the span of a few days, or even one evening, I think I've made it clear enough. It is time I have to pull myself away from you. It is time I have to stop my pardons and my assistance. You do appreciate it, and I don't want to ask for more, but I cannot let this become the standard.

The uncertainty in me still gives you the benefit of the doubt. I shall do you one last favour, and force the ending. Now I'm ready and willing to accept the concequences. I've known all I need to know, and you've gained all you need to gain. Whether I receive any response from you...is up to your own nature. And I can't give obliviousness as an excuse any more.

From one night, obsession turns into doubt. The human heart is fickle. I have nothing more to lose...or so I think. If I really do, then I was right after all. For all that I dreamed of, the effort put in could be diverted to something else at a more opportune time.

And from horizontal relations we move to vertical relations. Now that I know how ridiculous of a person you are, all I can do I stay away. After all, you totally do not care about what is between us. You are you, and I am I. Your dream is to mould us into mirror-image copies of you. No, not even that. People who would surpass you. Yet, the only reasons people like that who would want to surpass you is to put you down in your place. Your knowledge and experience is all so almighty that it blinds your judgment. Every individual automatically gets judged by you based on their intelligence or discipline. Nothing else matters.

Has this overload of knowledge turned us into cold-hearted creatures? It is a wonder why so many people thirst for knowledge, and others prefer to set limits. For it is how the individual acquired his knowledge which correlates to his appreciation of it. You have worked decades over pain and sweat to achieve this. And with this hard-earned power you want to set an example, and cause others to follow in your footsteps. But yes we merely walk in your footsteps. All the while when you are yanking us ahead, preemptively setting everything in the future, we instead fall behind in this counter-effect. But your method works for others, because you see the immediate changes in them. Our small, gradual changes don't become special to you because you cannot see the immediate results. Your imposed freedom instead become our limits.

The worst thing is that you never accept others for who they are. Everyone of us have flaws. Inherent flaws. Unchangeable impurities. Not everyone is meant to be at the top, or by working as much as they can, even be near there. No. But they are content where they are. The lower the limit you think is, the lower the level they will hit before they are satisfied. One can just go through their lives this way. Does everybody need to have travelled the world, experienced all that the world has to offer, and specialise in at least one skill or area of research before they become some sort of exalted being, glorified when their life ends? No.

When our lives end, it is just that way. You can't bring along anything you acquire into the afterlife. What you leave behind is up to the judgment of others. Soon nobody will even remember you. Oh, but perhaps, you want to be so significant as to be remembered? Well then, go ahead. Stroke your ego in the afterlife with your previous-life recognition. But remember, not everyone thinks that way. Not even anyone who has half a heart more than you.

Will I regret what I said? Maybe, maybe not. Will I do as I said? Maybe, maybe not. But I will have to deal with them eventually. My heart has been too soft. It is through the people closest to me that I will have to coat it with a layer of ice. Perhaps the water will never freeze. Perhaps the ice will melt again. But otherwise, I'm just someone pushed around at the whim of others. This year, the despair shall turn into resolve.

Embrace again, the power of DiViNE EViL.