Friday, February 21, 2014
The Pains of Knowledge
Every passing second sways my thoughts to extreme opposites. The optimistic side of me, whatever that is left, still sees the possibilities. Meanwhile the realistic side of me is telling myself to stop this self-torture. I had not embraced the concept of sacrifice, but now the dilemma has been thrust unto me; what do I sacrifice exactly? And I think that the decision I have to make is rightly advised; that once I have made this sacrifice, I have to make sure that I will follow through and not turn back in the midst of my mercuriality.
I have been pushing the limits, little by little, but they are only relative to my standards. With each limit comes a greater joy, which is followed by its corresponding greater emptiness thereafter. These gradual changes are only meaningful to the one who is noticing them. It now just seems that we are closer while only I am further away...
And soon that distance will need to be realized...for my own benefit. Until now, it was all about you...have you been deliberately avoiding the topic which is between us? This matters much more to me than to you. And it is evident, from what I know, that my presence is but a peripheral request. There is more I wish I haven't known, or just assumed. I will need to know everything directly. It's the only way I'll be satisfied. But even then, what comes after, will be a greater contrast of feelings.
My disintegration from inside out has only just begun.
Friday, February 14, 2014
Perhaps the warmth in the weather brings out the carefreeness in me, and cold causes me to yearn for affection. Since this cold never exists in SG, it has all this while been unrealized and concealed. Again, perhaps it's just coincidence. But with the unusual warmth in this winter, my previous troubles were momentarily swept aside, and with the return of this bitter cold, so has the emotional unpleasantness.
For it is what has given me the greatest happiness is the reason I feel so miserable. I desire to not lose it forever, reliving the enjoyment for eternity. But once it is over, it leaves a void behind which I constantly try to fill. That fleeting moment of euphoria is where I discard all thoughts about the concequences, which strike me with full force when it has ended. My interest is then piqued; my attentiveness heightened. Impatience and frustration gathers within me. But all this while, you carry on with your own routines, and rightly you should. After all, my own distorted world...is only seen by myself.
But then again sometimes I think of the crazy things you do, and feel relieved that I am freeing myself from the potential insanity. Not to mention considering patience in a larger scale. I'm waiting for something not yet realised. Immaterial. All these things take out the focus of who I am, and what I am supposed to do. But then again, without satisfying this void, I am unable to work in peace. This incessant uncertainty constantly claws at the back of my brain, a negative aspect I'm unable to remove. At least I know, that I shouldn't take any action now.
Perhaps I have to wait for the warmth to reinvigorate me.