Saturday, September 03, 2016
Another spell of isolation.
I mean, how much more plainly do you want me to put it? All was fine and dandy until your jealousy kicked in. At first, I thought I indeed was treating you unfairly, until I realised you never pull this off on anyone else. At first, I was trying to be as diplomatic as possible, not responding to your daily incessant requests. At first, I was trying to close one eye on everything, not questioning the many instances of you following me wherever I go. And then, I had to make it a little bit more plain and clear, when somehow my patience ran dry. And then, I had to raise my voice the first time in years. And then, I had to appease the situation by isolating myself. But oh, it wasn't enough. But oh, I never had the breathing space, But oh, you thought you've done enough. But I don't know if you know that you're still intruding into my personal space more than anyone else ever did, and that's saying something. You need me to spell it to you or something, but even so, you still don't understand somehow. My principles and conscience remain clear, in which I will respect every single person, until they lose it. And yours just hit rock bottom, and a few months isn't going to make it recover, especially if we don't break off contact entirely.
In the heat of the moment I thought my dislike was irrational. Now that I've a little more time to think about it, each event which fueled my dislike a little more is extremely clear, burned into my mind. Starting from the event which I could play a duet instead of a solo 'if I insisted', to 'I'm sure I recognized the guy we spoke with yesterday', to 'okay you don't want to eat with me that's fine', to the 5-minute 'why you don't want to go' nag, to 'you won't play this specific piece with me but you will play with them despite us already playing 5 pieces the past few days' (and when I finally do, you half-assed it), to 'play Ondine' for the 20th time in a week, to 'you're so good you don't need to take exam', to 'you're the only one I can communicate with', to 'I'm left out of the loop when you all talk in Cantonese' to 'you don't even seem like you want to play with me' when I finally do, to 'I prefer this rendition, so many colours' bootlicking bullshit when I half-ass a piece, to 'why you didn't wait for me' when I'm doing my own stuff on my own schedule and all you want to do is tag along (and allowing you to for the first time doesn't greenlight you for all subsequent instances), to this crap right now when 'you're ok with them but not ok when I ask you to do something'. No sh*t, one is because I've got no interest at all in what you're doing, regardless of who's asking. And it's not like I accepted 'their' offer, rather than they pressed it onto me. But that's okay, you know, because that's just like the second time they're doing that. Unlike your fiftieth.
And that's already excluding the events that I might give you the benefit of the doubt, such as 'not comfortable taking the train' but being able to whenever I do. And yet, you're trying to blame it on everything, from 'racism' to 'floor discrimination' to 'me being influenced by them'. No. It's you. And you alone. We had a great three months where I was delighted to meet someone where I could discuss several topics in, and you were too. But I guess you got too overexcited. You've gone and ruined it. And all you're doing is making it worse.
Until you acknowledge this fact, this cannot be saved. It's taken a huge emotional toll on me, somewhat due to the fact that I have horrible interpersonal relation management as well. Rather than having to deal with your whining, I chose to isolate myself, but still open to intermittent interactions. It was getting better too, until you had to go ruin it all again, and apparently your grudge runs deep. Well then, to make sure, I will actively avoid contact. After all, my purpose here is professional, and everything else is just extra. Unless, of course, you choose to affect that in retaliation. I really hope you won't stoop that low, but I can only be wary.
The last time I channeled all this negative energy into something useful. Hopefully this time I can, too. Other external factors also start to creep in, and as mentioned before, time is running out. Yet, I can't wait for time to run out here.
All that I never believed in is coming back to haunt me.