Saturday, September 27, 2008
Self-Annoyance and Conscience-Killing
So stubborn is the choice of humans. Flexibility is obviously not an option to many. Granted, a good way to solve a problem will still bring inconvenience to others, but there is no point if virtually everybody is complaining about the same thing, which in turn actually determines your future and for guys, your own mental strength for two years. Conscience can kill. The guilt of not studying enough after that free time after the examinations can drive me crazy, all the time. The bad thing is, since I've been so lazy for the past ? years, I will never have the conscience that I really put in my best. I will never have put in by best. Even though I can no longer continue, I will think that I could. And it is not because of my own pressurising.
Even so, I will never take away my own life. That would be mightily stupid. I may sound emo now but my personality changes drastically when I am typing and when I am actually writing on paper. I have no idea what causes this change though.
Otherwise, I have to actually stop talking about myself. I have always aimed to express myself, but strayed into the path of mentioning all those problems that I probably don't face as badly as many others.
It is because of examinations. The relentless wave of character destruction.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
I will absolutely not pass mathematics in the preliminary examinations, and after studying my sciences, I'm still rather unsure of them. I have withdrawn myself but in a way that is not beneficial.
After all these years...I am still unable to stablilise myself. The force that pulls me away is somehow very great. I do not understand; by the time I do, I fear it will be too late.
Anger has driven the family around too. Anomalies are beginning to sprout out of people in the most curious manner. However, I am quite oblivious to these. I am locked in my own battle, and neither do I know why I am actually posting this up on a blog. It tells of my despair I do not reveal.
It will subside, and be over in two months' time, but how I make it over will be the key which allows me power into the respective door of choice. Oh how the stupidity of this world to decide everything on a set of results.
It is after all, dominated by human beings...
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Due to the wet weather during the past few weeks, mosquitoes have started to roam again. And my location on being on the first floor means that they do not have to fly higher to find food. Granted, one of the uses of my father being around is that the mosquitoes will go for him first, but since he has to work in the mornings and afternoons, I have become the target of those tiny irritants.
Aside from that, my progress has still been quite slow. I will need more practice with the physics questions. And with physics teachers (includes my father) going a whole big round of explaining concepts and linkages to other topics when you ask them a single question, putting more effort to read the notes again saves more time.
I spent a little time on YouTube looking for somebody playing La Campanella and chanced upon Adam Gyorgy. Imba (Link Here). It gives me the spirit to practise even harder...even though I do not have the time to. Just this afternoon during my afternoon nap I dreamt about an original piano piece performed at a play. Sadly (and expectedly) I forgot the tune about ten minutes after waking up.
Alright now, I think the mosquitoes have left my studying post. Time to head back.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Month of EViL
And I have been greeted by my run-down laptop this month with the return of the Control Bug. It disappeared for a while, but now it is back, stronger, bigger, and much more annoying. Even after I had logged in, the circles closed upon the cursor at a frequency of like over 9000 Hz. If you didn't know, you could activate a function in the mouse section of the control panel and make a circle appear around the cursor whenever you press the control button. Its purpose is apparently to find your cursor if you lost it. To me though, it is to alert me when the Control Bug strikes. And today, just after I typed the password, the arrow was swarmed by circles. Curing the bug brought it back in five seconds. It has been annoying me so much now that I am just going to stop typing soon. If not for the warnings to ensure that I don't really want to navigate away from the typing page, I would have lost this post about twenty times (+/- unwanted exaggeration).
Even with me doing nearly nothing but studying, I somehow feel that there is something I'm not doing right. Of course I can't talk about something that I don't know I don't know, if you got what that meant, but perhaps it is the feeling that I am not that stressed yet, at the time when I was going for the 'O' level examinations. Perhaps, just perhaps, there is still one barrier before I see the truth, which is the preliminary examinations results...which I still dread.
Let this time be over quickly and successfully, and I hope it shall do so without much of my conscience.