DiViNE EViL DiViNE EViL: February 2008


Saturday, February 23, 2008

Torn Personality

I'm still part of the uber-introvert I once was, but I'm attempting to see everything in a more general view.

So I went to crash yesterday's PJC Orientation 2 after my CCA, along with Josh, Ashraf, and Collin. I guess they had just gone there because they finished their CCA late too. Mine ended at 2000hrs, which was relatively average for my CCA on Fridays. It had been raining before that, so the orientation ended in the hall instead of the main square. It was really stuffy there, with all the hype and heat. I was still in my non-sweat friendly school uniform.

We then went to Lot1, which by then was alreadly 2200hrs and the Popular Bookstore was closed much to my laziness disappointment. It means I have to go out one of these days to use my vouchers...or I might even be too lazy to do that. Much of today has passed by like lightning again, I have no idea why.

Let me recall...this morning, I woke up at about 0930, and I did nothing much except reading some Geography till lunch. Then I went to sleep as I was somehow more tired than usual. I slept twenty minutes more than I intended, then I went trying to compose again, resuming my work from one week ago. Unfortunately I ran out of manuscript paper, much to my annoyance, and my printer ran out of black ink. I then tried using a copy of the Finale 2006 I had backup from before, but it needed registering and will expire within 30 days. Well, that's a deadline for me completing that piece. However, the common tests are looming up ahead...

Actually, I don't make many 'diary' posts on this blog much. Usually the posts consist of my feelings and...advice. This is actually a move away from the 'Daniel-Tay Yi' event (I refuse to call it saga). Things have settled down, and I'm glad they have. Amusing...I type better than I speak. That is because...there is time to think before typing.

I think I think too much, if you get what I mean.
JLam posted this at 21:07 | link | 0 comments |

Thursday, February 21, 2008

But Why

People work in mysterious ways...but not everything is so straightforward. In the light of my 2500 word post which nearly destroyed my ailing keyboard, I would have thought you would give yourself another reflection. Let us seriously hope what you show me now is not further concealment of your hate.

But yet again I was disappointed. Yes you have returned to your normal self, but you still do not believe that you can regain our support. You seem to think that your suffering will last until you finally leave the school. Are you not going to ever forgive us again?

This is directed to Daniel again, and hopefully for the last time, after reading his latest post which came after mine. You told me you were uncertain of publishing another post. I hoped you got the point and told you to go over it again. That meant that all information relating to arguments against Tay Yi should end.

Even Tay Yi has already removed all those posts from his blog and replaced them with another one with his usual style about the school. It was not because he chickened out. It was because he saw no point going on with this insanity of an argument.

Yet, though you acknowledge about your apparent weaknesses, you choose to explain and backup what you have done. Once a fool, not always a fool.

What's the difference between bullying in secondary schools and junior colleges? You choose to give yourself some excuse of no basis to say that this kind of bullying cannot be countered.

You invite people to laugh at you again, evident of your misunderstandings. Again you place yourself with no relativity to others. You are not alone in this world. You will, in time, need the help from others. For them to help you, you have to help them. Isolating people altogther isn't good. I do not believe that there is not even one similarity between you and the people you dislike.

Interact more, and know when others like or dislike what you are doing, as they will show telltale signs of dislike. This is for you to analyze and be careful of treading the same path again. When people start voicing out directly at you, you have gone too far. Experience is needed for this, and it is not too late now.

I would hope that you understand. Why would I care so much about you? It is because I treat my friends with respect. I would feel responsible if you were isolated from the class everyday. I have, in the past, been close to those in my class who have been bullied the most. If somebody loses my respect, something is seriously wrong.

But I would like to complement on the way both Daniel and Tay Yi acted today as if nothing had happened. At least Daniel didn't give me that sullen pissed face he did for the whole of yesterday. He cheered up much during the GP lesson. For Tay Yi, he overslept drastically. He only came for the last hour of the day and seemed to forget about the past already.

I do, however, have had enough of these posts. Daniel, please understand, for if you don't, it makes your task tougher. Friends are forever valuable. I wouldn't want to lose you either, in case you become a professional pianist.
JLam posted this at 16:13 | link | 0 comments |

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

The Neutral, yet Subjective Post

Good Evening, where the powers of DiViNE EViL return and run rampant. The power might run in me now too, as I make one of the most personal posts I will ever know.

Oh, when differences merge together and separate what they consist of. As an attempt to be a middleman, as I have always been, how about I delve into the problems between an argument between two of my closer friends. I would have been nonplussed had not they having taken it a little bit too far. Perhaps we shall start with some history.

Last year, approximately the same time of the year. First day of actual lessons after the second orientation, four of us stuck together. Daniel, Collin, Tay Yi and I. Collin was there because he was in the same orientation group with Daniel and I, who seemed to share an interest for music. Tay Yi joined in later after Daniel met him in class before I did.

Oh so how differences separated us. At that time, we would go to the hall during breaks to slack around and perhaps use the piano. However, Collin's differences soon separated him from us. He was a more outgoing type I guess, and lazy as he was, he probably felt more bored slacking with us. So we were left with us three during breaks, which we stuck around for quite a while. Though Daniel and I did play piano quite a bit, we seemed to have interests in music genres, but that wouldn't be an obstacle. Tay Yi, having halted his piano playing for several years, actually regained his interest after being inspired by us and is now much better than he was a year ago. Not to mention we actually bought DS-es after seeing Daniel's one.

Now we fast-forward to right after the June holidays. In my opinion, Daniel came back with a louder character. A few weeks into the new semester, somehow I had already sensed he was getting slightly more annoying. I did tell him though the key to success to life is based on three factors x+y+z. X was studies, Y was playing and Z was knowing when to keep your mouth shut. Now the thing that confirms my opinion with the class is that the whole class seemed to be feeling awkward towards him. He should have noticed it as I had mentioned to him more than once.

Meanwhile, Tay Yi came back with a lesser character in general. Less spirit and less energy, it seemed. It appeared to me he became more inactive. Even his lameness stalled for a while until he attempted to regain it in the last term of the year.

Their little argument probably started when they were in the same project work group. Knowing Tay Yi who would probably be too lazy doing much of the work (especially when there are the hardworking girls), and Daniel having some responsibility in the group, he would start lamenting about his inactiveness.

However, Daniel, for some reason, became easily flustered, which gave Tay Yi the window of opportunity to counter what he didn't like Daniel asked him to do. Nobody obviously liked being publicly poked so hard for being lazy, so he started returning the favour by picking on Daniel for his apparent weaknesses. At first, it didn't have much effect. But somehow it is different this year.

How did it all become like that? Daniel, for some reason, isn't getting numb from these little insults. In fact, he is storing them, waiting to unleash them back at him if need be. What is this, revenge? Will revenge do you good? In fact, it will make you more ridiculous, since the class is obviously not on the side that is going to get bullied.

Unless of course, you don't know how to deal with being bullied. I am quite sure, in some time in your primary or secondary school life, you have been bullied, unless you are the one doing the bullying. You would think we had not been bullied? As a uber-introvert during my primary school days, I dared not say anything! And I would hold my pee for as long as possible because I was afraid to ask a teacher to go to the toilet! So what, talk back at those who call me a lamb chop? It gets old, and by far, being called fat is one of the, if not THE, oldest type of insults one can receive.

Tay Yi is just one person. He makes insults, yes. What makes the difference is the receiver. You choose to ignore it, it means nothing to you. The bully turns others against you? Then slowly regain their respect by progressing further than them. This advice I can give is up to you to heed, as now much of the class is beginning to turn against you. Even I have been affected. But now, to tell your faults, is for you to know the vicious cycle that you have been locking yourself in, and the only one to suffer is yourself. Slowly and humbly release yourself, and not enraging outbursts against others, as that will make you a target who know your vulnerability. You can say you have your family and other friends. Unfortunately, you are forced to face the class five times every week. Rather than adamantly endure their taunts, choose to approach them. Slowly again, I can't seem to emphasize more on this. Do not think you already know what others are telling you. Listen then ask. The number of times you make yourself look stupid because you ask a question that is yet just about to be explained are numerous. You have to know what others feel about what you do.

Right now, you make a fool out of yourself too much. A quote, lest say. "I will use anything and everything in my arsenal", is what you used to describe your 'speech contests'. Can I say I witnessed one of them last week? Yeah you might have been attempting to bring out the big guns, I could see that, and you didn't stop, but as you said, you would keep going even if you don't win. So if you win yeah you have beaten them with your force. Unfortunately, this little 'gamble' here puts you in a worse situation than before due to the third party, namely, the class. You are spouting your arguments, while the other side just has to lie there and say a few words calmly to turn everything back at you. And in your bid to counter again, you make a fool of yourself. Even if you win this battle, you lose to all who have seen it as you have given them a bad impression.

Is this 'gamble' worth taking just for the sake for one person? One person that you know WILL come back to gamble with you because he usually wins. Instead of making yourself win, you are trying to make him lose. The difference is that there is the possibility that both of you lose. Know how to conceal your feelings and give a better impression to others. You may say that this concealing of your feelings is too much for you to handle, then I say I am sorry, you've seen nothing yet.

That is why, from the way you speak to the way you post, it seems that you are still oblivious to the general world. You may have apologized about your piano comment which shot your elitist-bar to over 9000, but instead of leaving it alone, you still back it up with a weaker version of it in your reply post. Actually, let me put this into a scenario. If you were told you were comparable to professionals by your piano teacher, consider the validity of the statement. If it is true, yes, let your skills do the talking. By even having the idea of posting this comment on a blog defines what you think is right about that statement. Perhaps if your piano teacher is a well-known professional himself/herself. But don't you think, at this stage where you have not reached grade 8 yet, you are comparable to professionals? How about those who are already at grade 8 level by secondary school? If you were truly comparable to professionals, you would already have the talent, unless you were at home committing yourself to the piano for at least three hours per day. And if you knew that, you won't be stressing yourself over mathematics in Pioneer Junior College. How about thinking about it. Don't take all the words from others you respect literally and following them like they were your orders.

Which brings me to the last point for you, Daniel. This point which I do have to agree to whoever is thinking about you because of what you do and how you act. Your ignorance and low standard of life, which I have been ungladly enlightened by my father. Once, my father asked me: "How satisfied would you be with 75 marks for mathematics?" Of course I said I would be delighted because I'm not even close to half now. He then turned into a fit of rage saying everybody should aim for 100 and such...of course his standards might be too high, and I know my standards are too low. Daniel now, you have set a standard that is low. I don't know if you know it or not, but getting praised by a piano teacher is no big deal. Completing your tutorials means you have just met the mark. Your diet on computer games would, in my life, translate into my father locking me up in my study. You might have thought you have cut down a lot. You might have thought you have tried. But to those who have slightly higher standards, that difference is nothing. I do regret my standard is even lower, but I do acknowledge about it. Now ask yourself if you are going to help yourself. Don't balloon what you have achieved because in other's eyes, the change is minimal. That is the reason why you are ridiculed. There is a reason why you have the most 'enemies' in the class.

Think if you're wrong. In the end, you're fighting with yourself.
Saying Tay Yi has no sense of reality doesn't mean you do have it.

Moving on to the other side, Tay Yi's side will be considerably shorter not because I have a hard time typing letter 'y's all the time but because his part in this is less acute therefore resulting in not having the whole class going against him. But of course, there is no definite right or wrong in an argument.

After returning the favour to Daniel last year, I didn't see the need to continue the insults except for some lame humour. Yeah the class could do with some lame humour alright. You do have some of the class behind you, but otherwise you're quite self-dependant. However, your little insults turned into full-fledged blogposts too, as you two attempt to look as if your posts referred to somebody else you're insulting. Why was there the need to indulge in this war between him? Additionally, you are just going keep this going on and on when you exaggerate on some of his qualities. Seriously I think nobody would have noticed if he was whiter hadn't you not mentioned it as an insult. Even so, you had made the class believe he was.

Pointing out individual traits yields less amusement too. It was unnecessary to put all those little things about him like what he eats. Your complaints of hunger could be solved had you not taken laziness to the extreme by not eating anything after you wake up. Not like these points should be a basis of your arguments.

To an important point: perhaps finding yourself in that elitist state. Many of your ideas, based on what you know, is made in the basis of many of your arguments, but that is what you think. In having a more privileged background, it should not be in your hands to know what Daniel is actually experiencing. For others life may not pass as simply as you can choose to skip school. By determining what lessons are good for yourself and being subjective on the subjects themselves. Think you already have a future there for the taking? It may not be as simple as it may seem, but I am venturing into uncharted territory there. It seems, at this kind of time, life is going by too simply for you. At least my father is still giving me reality checks =.=

There lies the differences between the two. You have, what you know in your hands, but you are taking it for granted. I am in no liberty, of course, to determine your future, but you must also know what others are experiencing. Is this satisfaction really worth it on a person? Why taunt that person when you can help him overcome his difficulties? At the time when we were still friends, instead of closing up and then returning the 'insults' back at him, why did you not co-operate? It was because you did not value project work as a subject worthy of your time. You had no commitment to whatever you were asked to do. Daniel, bearing the responsibility had to command you to do your work. Instead of just doing something had you needed to actually start this little argument between yourselves that severe the ties so badly? You are also to blame for being ignorant to what is actually important to others. Some people may actually need those few points project work could give. Could you not just contribute to the minimum?

And in the end we see two people thinking they are the better one degrading the other. Tay Yi makes less news because he is more low-profiled. Both of you refuse to give up, which is actually a good point by itself. But know when enough is enough. Enough poking at other people, enough trying to counter others, enough time for me spent actually for you to realise what you are actually doing. Apologies if I have offended you, but it is only inaccuracies I am concerned about.

I see as Daniel types in a way of mockery. Tay Yi types in a way of sarcasm. Both that generate emotions to those that read them. Namely, the other party.

Now if I would direct myself to a quote in the World of EViL:
"People who do not understand the virtue of patience, humility, creativity, unselfishness, optimism, flexibility and the ability to tolerate anger."

Do you think you have fallen into one of those categories? If not, then you are definitely elitist or have an extremely low standard of yourself.

Because you may hide the truth from yourself, but never from those that can see you. That is just a portion of the power of DiViNE EViL.

Remember to know when to keep your mouth shut.
JLam posted this at 19:45 | link | 0 comments |

Monday, February 18, 2008

Time Burn

Suddenly, the time available has been burnt off like a wick (Got that from Chemistry). So I spend some time studying, some time still developing that J.Shauxo story for fun, and more of my time attempting to compose a piece. Take the previous evening, for example. Spending near an hour trying to compose a peaceful piano piece in a minor key, I could not progress past 3 lines. So I decided to base on a theme. First I felt pissed so I attempted to do that (when I'm pissed I feel like smashing the piano) so I put some loud chords in. Then I felt more relaxed and changed the mood. Overall, it resulted in a quite-satisfying first part that had me continiously writing and searching for chords for 7 lines (1 and 2/5 pages). Initially I wanted to resume today, but I ran out of motifs and then I chatted via various mediums which drove me fairly tired.

I'm also quite sure I haven't done one of those tutorials (ah, it's physics), but there isn't much time now, as even blogging may be good for health (har har). Additionally, trying to design a class shirt...I'm not a design guru, I sort of failed in my module. However, I do like it simple. Like this blog. I guess it will stay that way for a long while.

Now I have a headache. Darn.

Edit: When I first tried to post this they gave me a message that my command may be automated and similar to a virus! WTFBBQ? Do I look like a computer to you? Somebody is gonna getta hurt rea-*gets shot*
JLam posted this at 22:34 | link | 0 comments |

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Break Invisibility

So two days ago, during Band Practice, it was revealed that *gasp* we had to perform for the next Orientation batch, for three hours. Three hours? that's nearly twice as long as a standard concert. Not only that, the number of pieces we have ready in our 'repository' is virtually zero. Like, the only 'piece' we suggested was 'Basic Training' is a good indication. At least CHSSB still had 'Chorale 1'. However, we still managed to dig up two pieces to perform. Hope it goes well anyway.

Probably that is what we get for not being prepared. Even Daniel is doing all his assignments now (though he isn't that good at tests) and Zhen Qin stopped playing his WoW. Then all these music motifs come surging into my mind in the wrong moment. I got so overloaded, I went to sleep. Wasn't that effective in my opinion. And all those ideas about that J.Shauxo and his lubok cubes story made me waste the whole Saturday. Question marks may be in your head, but exclaimation marks are in mine.

Therefore, I should continue to do my tutorials. I'm two chapters behind on physics, and one on geography, half in chemistry and half in mathematics. And dang, does everything have to relate to KINNEmATTICKS?? Forget about that now. Suddenly I start to recall those examination scripts my father was marking yesterday...Cross Ventilation and Stack Ventilation...like some people really remember their brains out...

So, without further timewasting, I shall do my physics! Good Evening for now.
JLam posted this at 11:26 | link | 0 comments |

Thursday, February 14, 2008


Today is in no way special...at least for me. It can be in no way different from other Thursdays...school is as usual, mathematics consultation as usual, piano lesson as usual...other than the fact some people are out there enjoying themselves and I am sitting at home with my father next to me monitoring me making sure I am doing Complex Numbers. If I carry on typing like this he will surely erupt like a volcano (and never a lolcano), and he will drone on and on and 'scold' me on and on and in the end he would say 'I didn't scold you, you should decide for yourself'.

I would really want to politely tell him to stfu everytime he does that. I am in no way similar to him, and the problem is that, he won't accept that. He thinks as himself as a role model that I should follow otherwise I would fail in life. I would stop typing about him here because, I still have repect for the guy and I would not want to have anything worse to do with him. That's why, I keep quiet everytime he rants, and listen when I feel like it. My ignorance skills are apparently quite l33t.

So before he came in 'monitoring' me, I was like, emoing myself over my secondary school friends' blogs. Reading about their struggle finding a job and coping with NS, which varies greatly within individuals. And I have wondered if I was there too. I should have been, but my mind lags so much, I required one whole year of rotting to remove some verdigris.

Not like that really had any benefit. Common tests, which happen like a few times a year, are arriving soon. Apparently it tests on whatever I've learnt so far. Slightly preposterous if you ask me, but I don't really have an idea what it's really going to be like. But it's a test that is just more than a normal, common one. It is going to test my values.

Of those points that I mentioned in my previous post that I strive to achieve, I perhaps accomplished [half+half=one] of those 'goals'. Ah, the difficulty of actually performing those tasks. But they take time. Extermely soon, before the end of this month, I will accomplish them all. Setting a deadline for myself should be more effective. If this works well, my future may still succeed successfully.

When that's done, the rest follow smoothly after.
JLam posted this at 22:11 | link | 0 comments |

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Emoing over myself

I had just read Nicol Ngiam's blog. It seriously made me emo over myself. Ah, first forget about the secondary school days...not to mention I wasn't close to him at all, though we were in the same class for two years. But at that time I was still the hemmed-in introvert I was. Their lifestyle is so different, yet I envy them. While they are already emerging into the brilliance of life, I am still constrained in an empty wall of nothingness, whithering away the hands of time.

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but its sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but youre older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought Id something more to say

Home, home again
I like to be here when I can
And when I come home cold and tired
Its good to warm my bones beside the fire
Far away across the field
The tolling of the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spells.

-Pink Floyd, Time/Breathe(Reprise), from The Dark Side of the Moon

And yet I still fall prey into something that I have forseen. Unavoidable, because I did not dodge the oncoming onslaught.

It began with my own fault anyway. Last year only 3 people in the PJC-J1 cohort were from Catholic High School. This year, none that I can see. Not to mention, than Po Han is in PJC for some reason. I guess he's another one trapped in the indecisiveness that he engulfs himself with.

Ah yes, the times. I was revived with excerpts from my secondary 3 notebook, with me recording the conversations between Ryan Fan and the mathematics and history teachers. The times Mervyn Lee was upside down in the bin. The times that I didn't really like the Symphonic Band that much, but became inseparable with it after four years. Yet, my actual contacts with the people concerned have thinned out. Nicol Ngiam might barely remember me now. Terrence Hui would remember me as some minor guy they used to make fun of. Mr Heng might remember me as a troublemaker that eventually matured. Ever so slightly. That is because, compared to what I have read on Nicol's blog, there's a lot I don't have. Exceedingly painful amounts that I am missing. It feels like he is 3 years older than me. Heck, I don't feel 18 years of age. I have somehow spent a quarter of my life staring into empty space, imagining. But imaginary ideas will disappear. As long as I have not recorded them, they will not linger, and proceed to dissipate into oblivion.

It is as it is, a fault of my character. I am not solid enough. Insufficient confidence. I cannot correct this myself, but do I know anyway to seek the most efficient way to recover..?

Perhaps I can. So, I will now list certain things I have to do. For greater good.

-Get that wretched EZ-link card
-Complete current tutorials
-Re-do tutorials
-Use a computer solely for typing? (Not fixed on this one)
-Kick myself out of my house more often
-Get to know people, don't care if they are Chinese-oriented
-Stop buying time, because that is just an illusion

And you can do your part. Help me. For I will not stay the way I am forever, succumbing to the power of DiViNE EViL.

For what you not want will haunt you until it's over.
JLam posted this at 00:00 | link | 0 comments |

Thursday, February 07, 2008


For some reason I now draw a lot on Graphic Calculators (GCs), using those pixels thingy. When we were in secondary school we used to be fascinated with making letters on our calculators, but there were still limitations in the end (I still like how I managed to stumble across getting the letter 'K' on my scientific calculator). Now, using our uber 200-dollar GCs, typing letters become so easy with the whole alphabet available. With a bigger screen, it is possible...to draw.

Many people fiddling around with the GC may have discovered the 'Pen' function which allows them to draw. I used this function solely during my earlier drawings, and was frustrated if I made a mistake and had to modify the picture to hide it because I could not find an 'erase' function. Additionally, to draw another picture, the previous one had to be erased (zooming in or out erases the whole thing). However, on discovering the 'Pt-change' function (on TI-84, [2nd][PGRM][->][3]), I managed to find a function that changes a point (from 'on' to 'off' or 'off' to 'on') with every press of the enter key.

I took about an hour to do this (my secondary school crest!) yesterday, including some improvisation on the chinese words there. Probably uses a lot of battery power as well...

After that I attempted to do a CHIJ crest with reference to my sister's exercise book, but I think it is too difficult for me (find the logo yourself). I may attempt to complete it though, now that I have discovered how to save the pictures.

Otherwise, during this Chinese/Lunar new year, I will need to catch up with my studies...again.
JLam posted this at 13:14 | link | 0 comments |

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Static Chill

The weather has been bad. It has gone colder than usual in the vicinity. Now that the world is in this state it is not surprising that the weather will revolt at any time, anywhere. Record low temperatures, record high temperatures, record rainfall, record heat wave, record snowstorm...have the people awakened from their ignorant slumber...

This has got me sneezing. With that icy feeling lingering in my nose, I use up 1.5 times more tissue paper than usual (on average I use 15-20 sheets a day for nose only). Perhaps I should use a handkerchief, to save the trees...the thick trees...

Not only that, it seems that my academic studies have halted in this chilling barricade. I haven't revised any darn thing this weekend. On the bright side, I have been playing piano normally again. I will have some work to do in the coming holidays...

I will still not type too much, though I have gotten used to using 'Ctrl+V' everytime I type the letter 't'. My father brought an old USB keyboard from his workplace and I thought that would solve the problems, but unfortunately, that keyboard's 'b' and 'n' buttons do not work. However it is not totally useless, so now I put it beside my laptop and since I have letter 't' on copy, whenever I want to type the letter 'y' I just reach out for the keyboard and press that button. Seems more convenient but it is still darn irritating.

reall i wan a new keboard.
JLam posted this at 22:22 | link | 0 comments |