DiViNE EViL DiViNE EViL: Emoing over myself


Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Emoing over myself

I had just read Nicol Ngiam's blog. It seriously made me emo over myself. Ah, first forget about the secondary school days...not to mention I wasn't close to him at all, though we were in the same class for two years. But at that time I was still the hemmed-in introvert I was. Their lifestyle is so different, yet I envy them. While they are already emerging into the brilliance of life, I am still constrained in an empty wall of nothingness, whithering away the hands of time.

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but its sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but youre older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought Id something more to say

Home, home again
I like to be here when I can
And when I come home cold and tired
Its good to warm my bones beside the fire
Far away across the field
The tolling of the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spells.

-Pink Floyd, Time/Breathe(Reprise), from The Dark Side of the Moon

And yet I still fall prey into something that I have forseen. Unavoidable, because I did not dodge the oncoming onslaught.

It began with my own fault anyway. Last year only 3 people in the PJC-J1 cohort were from Catholic High School. This year, none that I can see. Not to mention, than Po Han is in PJC for some reason. I guess he's another one trapped in the indecisiveness that he engulfs himself with.

Ah yes, the times. I was revived with excerpts from my secondary 3 notebook, with me recording the conversations between Ryan Fan and the mathematics and history teachers. The times Mervyn Lee was upside down in the bin. The times that I didn't really like the Symphonic Band that much, but became inseparable with it after four years. Yet, my actual contacts with the people concerned have thinned out. Nicol Ngiam might barely remember me now. Terrence Hui would remember me as some minor guy they used to make fun of. Mr Heng might remember me as a troublemaker that eventually matured. Ever so slightly. That is because, compared to what I have read on Nicol's blog, there's a lot I don't have. Exceedingly painful amounts that I am missing. It feels like he is 3 years older than me. Heck, I don't feel 18 years of age. I have somehow spent a quarter of my life staring into empty space, imagining. But imaginary ideas will disappear. As long as I have not recorded them, they will not linger, and proceed to dissipate into oblivion.

It is as it is, a fault of my character. I am not solid enough. Insufficient confidence. I cannot correct this myself, but do I know anyway to seek the most efficient way to recover..?

Perhaps I can. So, I will now list certain things I have to do. For greater good.

-Get that wretched EZ-link card
-Complete current tutorials
-Re-do tutorials
-Use a computer solely for typing? (Not fixed on this one)
-Kick myself out of my house more often
-Get to know people, don't care if they are Chinese-oriented
-Stop buying time, because that is just an illusion

And you can do your part. Help me. For I will not stay the way I am forever, succumbing to the power of DiViNE EViL.

For what you not want will haunt you until it's over.
JLam posted this at 00:00


Add a comment