DiViNE EViL DiViNE EViL: February 2013


Wednesday, February 27, 2013

More Unanswerable Questions

And finally, my wait has ended, if only for a short while nonetheless. It would have been a whole night, if not for your friend unknowingly joining in. I don't blame her, but it just made my plan not proceed as I had expected, not to mention costing me a bit more...

Another post expressing my misery...and now, I have no idea what is causing me to be so downcast. I've felt my infatuation decrease...perhaps due to discovering more of your undesirable qualities and habits, and I've seen and spoken to you in person...so what is the source of this horrible feeling I'm experiencing? Perhaps again, I felt that I didn't maximize the potential? But I'm backing off; I'm retreating. Yet again I don't know if you're trying to shun the awkwardness as I am or just plain oblivious. And now even more difficult situations involving people closest to us have cropped up.

More assumptions...perhaps it's because all I feel is that you're pitying me. It was all so unlike the two weeks I have embraced and enjoyed. Suddenly, it's seven weeks into the semester. That's already nearly halfway through, and then our first year of study would end. What will happen then? Your friend, still so carefree as she is, projects the image of what you were. But even she knows difficulty lies ahead. And I will be determined to sit this through, though it may be taxing to my personal relations. Yet, somehow, now that I think of it again, you're not exactly the best person I'd want to keep.

But these kind of things work in mysterious ways. I can't let you go either - stuck in between, I'm forever stretched apart, the pain accumulating until I'm unable to return to my old self. That much has been apparent. How could the previous 23 oblivious years of my life...pass so happily? I look back and yearn for that attitude. It used to define me. But now I have become generic. Accompanied by several companions experiencing similar situations and...failure. It may help me feel better, but it does not make me better in a person in anyway. If anything, it's the opposite.

And your friend...I don't know what to say to her. I understand her feelings but I regret I can't really reveal this to her yet, as much as I want her to know the truth. And after yesterday, this becomes even more difficult for me...for me and you...to let her know everything. It's not that I don't want to, really, but I fear this will be a real shock to her, and she would shun us even more than how you wanted to keep it down initially. Everything's confusing, everything's complicated...and I've never ever been so messily tangled up in this labyrinth of relations. So this is how it is to be like.

It seems like the consolation I have is that this does not affect my other ultimate goal anymore. I have to keep this momentum going, and temporarily this seems to be in my favour. It is pretty much the only thing that keeps myself progressing forward. If I had not been studying music, this semester will probably be just over for me. It is this that keeps bringing me back, the will to continue on, the belief to succeed, the dream for a breakthrough...and through this difficulty, it will grant everything that I achieve with more meaning. I know not to take things for granted...but in reality, that can only be experienced and not said. Even as I realise now, the reason why I dwell so much on the past is because I do not treasure my experiences, but I treasure my memories. And revisiting the past, or even the locations, where these wonderful experiences can be invoked but never be replicated again, is one of the major offenders of the cause of my sorrow. I have to learn how to put them behind...but I haven't managed to yet. Slowly yet surely I am getting close, but until I reach the checkpoint, this pain will linger somewhere in my heart.

Again, I can do nothing but wait. Time is the answer.

JLam posted this at 21:35 | link | 0 comments |

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Uncontrollable Circumstances

Everything that has affected me is starting to show. In plain view of everyone, no less. In a situation where your strength lay, I was supposed to show that I was up to standard. However, the immediate backlash was imminent. I wasn't prepared enough, and on top of that, ridiculed myself. Perhaps I just lose a brain when I'm nervous. I didn't think of anything; couldn't think of anything, and just acted on impulse whatever crossed what was left of my mind. I couldn't bear to look up at anyone. I was going out there, and leaving it to chance. And luck just didn't help me again. All this was plain to see, easily seen in your eyes.

Perhaps you didn't mean that way, or perhaps again I was overthinking things again, but your advice belittled me. You were unapproving of my display and to be honest so was I. All I showed was how incapable I was, and though I was in a virtual conversation with you, it felt more like a lecture than a friendly talk, much less anything even more than that. The mood was dull and heavy, and so was mine. But I was already feeling this way the whole week.

Perhaps the truth has finally gotten to you. The last few weeks were just a form of buying time; now comes the action. The trouble is, some other people know about it; it'd just be awkward for us to even speak to each other. I felt highly uncomfortable; perhaps you did too. Up until this point, I think there's no point going further forward, when finally seeing you again doesn't even cure my misery anymore. There are so many things left hanging in the air...if I don't say anything, I doubt you would ever bring them up. Is this part of your absentminded character or are you deliberately ignoring these facts? Both are equally possible, but I will probably never know. I just enjoyed your jumpy carefree character which you exhibited before that mistaken night, which I long you will return to. How am I able to bring that part of you back? In my situation, with my character, it is even possible? But that's all I ask for.

I am now but just another peripheral person in your outer circle gradually relegated from your interest. I was right up there at your door but showed myself the way out. My greatest fears have come true, even though they didn't seem immediately apparent. But should I insist? If I don't, I will be reminded of His case...because that's what happened to him in the same way. His importance to me was relatively minor, though we were that close before. We talked, studied, laughed together so much, but he always had that slight annoying factor about him, and when he no longer looked for me, I no longer looked for him too. And this would exactly be the same thing that happens if I no longer kept in contact with you. It would be really different a month before...but as things stand now, you seem to even hope that I'll disturb you no longer.

But then again, if I do insist, it'll just be a game of chance...you might find me more unbearable, or more acceptable...having to tie up the loose ends of our unfinished businesses, I might be able to make amends. However, I will have to put in most of the effort, not to mention that my pain and longing will linger for as long as this goes on. I can't decide right now, but it seems like I'm naturally heading this way, willingly succumbing myself to more suffering. I'll have to take my next step after you take yours.

In the end, I just want to free myself from this infatuation. This uncontrollable circumstance...why did this happen to me? I felt that only when I came here, all the problems that I used to hear about and dismiss have befallen on my self. I no longer want to look at you that way, and I want you to look at me as who I was before. But I myself am spiralling down into disaster...my fortitudinous visage unravelling...exposing the frail incapabilities I have always known.

Yet again, I shall fawn over our brief history and sell my soul to Rachmaninoff.
JLam posted this at 12:15 | link | 0 comments |

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Straying off

I never thought it would have affected me that much but it seems like I am no longer able to fully control my emotions as much as I once did.

Ever since that saturday which I poured out my soul to Rachmaninoff, I don't think I've ever felt the same as before. Like a wildly undulating sine curve my mood boomerangs beyond my consent. But in the end all I've brought upon myself is suffering and disappointment. I am unable to work, to sleep, to play, to think, to speak, and to act normally within my requirements. Why has this affected me so much? I have repeatedly told myself to put it down, yet the conflicting mind and spirit within me harbours that little spark of optimism. And in this dilemma I am unable to judge objectively which side is right and which is wrong. It is a decision between a passive and active choice. And that part of me which wants to change, has put me in between my already undecisive character.

Sometimes I feel like I even have to go out of my way to do something usually considered unthinkable by myself, but it is not my own life on the line here. This risk can't be made with any other generic person out there. Everyone is considered special, and some even more than others. But deciphering the signs...if there even any at all, is a task that is eternally shrouded in mystery; an enigma that will never be solved with a solid answer as far as speculation is concerned.

But all this longing and wonderment is not healthy in excess. It distracts me from my ultimate goal, my side goal, and the boring side-prerequisites that I will have to complete anyway. As consolation I have turned to leisure, but even in that I'm not enjoying myself, not immersing myself into the fullest, unable to direct my attention away from the actual troubles. Even the induced urgency of a deadline is unable to propagate my working spirit. Perhaps I have to wait for the curve to return back to the minimum turning point and compose myself, then I can think more clearly without impulsiveness clouding my direction. I have to reconcile and think about it again, but I must be able to return to the stage where I can do this...and I admit, I'm not sure if I can now. Having desires are beneficial, but this surge is too much for me to accept.

Everything in Moderation.
JLam posted this at 14:08 | link | 0 comments |

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Pieces/Songs that have successfully made me weep

I almost never tear up for anything except music. What type doesn't matter...but this is a list for myself to keep.

Sonata in B Minor S.178
Francesca da Rimini Op.32

Piano Concerto No.2 Op.18, 1st (depends) and 3rd Movements
Piano Concerto No.3 Op.30, All Movements, mainly 1st

Suwa Foughten Field, Original Sound Track (only once though)

Dream Theater:

I kinda feel guilty there's no Beethoven in the list. I'll find one.
JLam posted this at 23:17 | link | 0 comments |

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Keeping Sensible

Perhaps I was really overthinking everything before. Though I haven't seen you for 16 days now, other than a few glimpses, you seem to have taken it in your stride and put everything behind. But that's all I can infer virtually. I haven't seen you in person expressing this conversation and somehow I desperately require that confirmation. I guess you're giving me a second chance to get off the wrong path and I have to graciously accept. I might be stepping on the line at times and I do hope that doesn't make you think about the wrong way about me. We seem to accept each other's characters more and more gradually...or so I hope you do of me as much as I, of you.

For the greatest fear is one of uncertainty; that I would annoy you too much. And when you do get tired of everything then it might truly be over. I'm still stuck whether to put this down totally...and in your own goodwill you're not giving me a clear signal. Undoubtedly it's not your fault, but this situation is just too complex for a beginner like me. The hope is there, and where there is hope, there is an opportunity...but will you detest me for still clinging on to this? Again, I have to be patient. I cannot rush everything...it has only been 16 days, definitely not enough for you to change that abruptly. I will be as I always was...except that now I will be nurturing our proximity. And through these experiences...perhaps, on the way, I will learn and come to realise the true intentions of everyone.

Until then, I will have to suppress my desire and pain...a mix that isn't healthy to my true intended goal. And I hope it won't affect yours too.

Nothing out of the ordinary will happen today. I shall reap the rewards of patience.
JLam posted this at 19:04 | link | 0 comments |

Saturday, February 09, 2013

Oscillating Fortunes

Another recounting of memories.

It's hard to believe how another week has passed, yet this one passed so quickly. Perhaps it was due to my own will to forget about everything at the start of the week. I didn't even type anything for the better part of this entire time, though we still had that doubly-postponed dinner on Wednesday. And as I suspected, the meeting didn't materialize again.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that it could be things like these that make me doubt my choices. I don't think I'm overthinking this - you will just avoid coming to events if you have some doubts about your schedule or outline. I should remember, it was even like this during the previous term. You're not deliberately trying to avoid us, but you're indeed elusive.

The cancellation of the meeting was again due to chance. Your friend fell sick that morning...and despite us jokingly agreeing that I was to treat you dinner the previous night, you told me you forgot you had an English test the next day and couldn't spare any time...and somehow by evening your friend had recuperated.

That night I met the two guys along with some other classmates and watched as the second guy get interrogated about his target. In the end they managed to get the truth out of him, but not before there were many diversions...due to my presence. I opted, as I told myself, to not say a word. Even my facial expressions could give it away as they have done before. But the two guys helped me out here too; they offered totally no hints about me. Then again, they only knew half of it. But in this case, only knowing half is actually renders this situation more fragile for me, and you.

I totally misread your question when talking about it with you when I returned to the hall that night and unnecessarily reminded us about unnecessary things. But now...these revived conversations between us...might have just overturned what I was trying to suppress earlier in the week. And again, it showed. Thursday and Friday made me more anxious than ever. My overthinking tendency returned depite assuring the same thing when I was talking with the first guy. More often than not, our conversations turn awkward, marred by misunderstandings partly caused by language barriers.

For a fleeting moment, I caught a glimpse of you on Friday; it had been a whole week since I had ever did. By the time of this post, I haven't spoken a word face-to-face with you for 11 days now. Our last official parting was still of that fateful night's. And with a weeklong holiday coming up, it'll be long before I get another chance to.

Though we will plan group outings during the break, I highly doubt you would appear due to your nature; I am certainly not expecting so. Even if you do, I have to resign myself to treat you like how I always ever did, and nothing more. Perhaps it's because of this entire ordeal, I have finally realised the concequences of social solitariness and my desire for physical and emotional company has grown greater than ever. And I don't know how to tell the two guys. I did tell a third guy, a new member of the group who has a more similar situation compared to me to the other two guys, and this has slightly comforted my heart. I don't care who accompanies me, even if you are not around, as long as there's someone there, I'm satisfied. The more the better. Because I have holes in my memories to fulfil. And I hope nobody else with me would care more than that as well. If only you all knew nothing.

Indeed, ignorance is bliss.
JLam posted this at 13:34 | link | 0 comments |

Saturday, February 02, 2013

Revitalizing Spirit.

It seems that freely expressing myself one way or another, and the most now was on this very blog, is the antidote which makes me forget everything. Coupled with many sources of advice and research, my stance seems to be final - to let it go. Anything else I do would be a huge gamble, and the odds are more likely than not stacked against me anyway.

It's got to be one of the most often questions asked ever in the history of mankind, but every single situation is different, uniquely different. Only a small part of what happens later is under my control. I have to show that I can deal with this. Yet again, it's hard to think that less than one day has passed between yesterday's post and today's...

It's not like I was ever alienated by individualism. I was accustomed to it, the very personification of it. But I have grown. Yes, maybe a little bit later than everyone else. But I could even use that to my advantage. Now you all...I hope your sensibility shows as well.

Perhaps I was right all along. I didn't have to ditch the lessons of Divine Evil. It is true that to gain something, you have to lose something in process. These contrasting ideas balance everything, enable the notion of comparison, and introduce the essence of competition. Qualities which all of us need. These things are never directly taught, only subconsciously developed and absorbed as a secondary way of learning in the shadow of academics. We unknowingly pick up these skills, but there are some who miss out, and it is not their fault. We cannot blame them. But to identify your weaknesses, and then work to overcome them, is perhaps something that needs to be directly told and inked to our minds. Sometimes we're just naturally better at some things and less at others. We just have to reinforce our strengths, and mitigate our weaknesses. Our ultimate goal is to learn.

And thus that might have not been a newfound weakness at all; my weakness, as it has been all along, is being unable to accept failure. And this is just the first time I have in this aspect.

But as soon I have accepted it, it doesn't feel so bad after all.
JLam posted this at 16:49 | link | 0 comments |

A Newfound Weakness

Perhaps I had never dealt with this kind of problem before, but as it seems, in the duration of one month, I have gone through an emotional journey into the depths of an abyss. And it's probably obvious enough by now what I refer to. It's really hard to think that January was just over. This week, especially, felt like it lasted an eternity. I hope the situation isn't as bad as it seems, it's just that I'm overthinking things, and that my heart becomes strengthened from this experience. And to learn the most, I have to finally recount what actually transpired throughout this month, and how things developed.

I never liked referring to people by their actual names, so I'm going to be very vague and at times somewhat confusing when I refer to individuals. Most of the time I will use prepositions, but some specific ones will refer to some specific people.

At the turn of the New Year, I stood stoically with my parents on the promenade overlooking Marina Bay. Despite it being the New Year, it was quite a lacklustre celebration; it was intended to be a traditional stay-at-home dinner-cum-celebration at our house but due to some unforseen circumstances the other family couldn't make it. The fireworks were fogged by the dense humid air which trapped the smoke, obscuring virtually half of the display thereafter. Along with the half-hearted celebration came half-hearted resolutions. Though I had my aims in sight, I could only wish I would succeed. I only had two, and already within a month, I had failed one.

It could be said that when I was happier, I got hungrier. Ever since I returned to Singapore, somehow my appetite grew; could it be just because I was overexcited? The prospect was good despite being unable to meet you before the end of the semester. Perhaps I shouldn't have rushed back for Christmas. I had way too much time to spend when I was back anyway. Either way, that night, my parents and I had supper at a bar after the fireworks. It was then my father further explained to me the tensions, conflicts, and history behind his relatives and ancestors. Not like that had much significance on my current situation, but I felt it was noteworthy.

An otherwise eventless week followed; by then I had already arranged the piano duet and, if I remember correctly, was working on the 2nd and 3rd movements of my op.3. Then they arrived; the four of them came for a holiday. In between nights, I didn't have much energy to start conversations, but I was surprised at your conviction to improve yourself. Again, at this point of time, it's hard to think that this happened only three weeks ago.

The four of them and I exhausted ourselves every day, and despite some hiccups, we ultimately enjoyed ourselves, and returned to Hong Kong together on the 12th, all ready to start the new semester.

I asked him how His progress was, but I think He was genuinely tired then; however, it didn't seem like he attempted anything at all. I myself never thought about you so much.

Then school started. We met on the second day, tried the duet(to some degree of failure), and had a simple dinner. Despite that, it opened me up, as it was a type of conversation I never had before.

On the third day, I had to help my cousin at her tuition centre. I returned before dinner and was surprised you accepted my offer. Up till now, I still did not think about it too much, but your distain for Him affected me; I was His penultimate friend and was slowly going to leave Him as well.

On the fourth day, I met the first guy, and your close friend, both members of the committee, for 2nd dinner and supper. That was confusing...well, at this point of time, everybody was starting to desert Him. I offered myself as a sacrifice and had a light dinner with Him when nobody else wanted to, then accompanied both of them in Kowloon City. We had a long talk that night about Him, unveiling the facets that I have never known; some biased opinions and some hard facts, but none were positive. I told you about it later, and on an unrelated note, you shared with me the Kabalevsky.

On the fifth day, a big group of us had a dinner to celebrate (her) birthday. Again, it was relatively normal. He initiated a talk with me on the way back to hall but I turned the topic around and focused on Him. It was a long, direct talk, with the truth and facts laid bare. He seemed truly down and as of today has never been the same since.

My Whatsapp records between that day, the 19th, and 27th were lost, due to my iPod touch messing up. With the home button already not functioning properly, I had to system restore it and it upgraded to ios6, rendering nearly everything but Whatsapp itself unusuable. I was therefore unable to save the message history. I attempted re-restoring it, but this time it synchronized to a date more than half a year ago and all the Whatsapp records were lost.

We're still on the very first week though. First week. Sunday. It was here where everything started to unravel. I went for a dinner with the first and second guy. After hearing their apparent troubles, we went up to the rooftop of our faculty building and had a long talk, accompanied with alcohol. It was a great talk, really, but I still hid everything. Everything that would betray my emotions about you. Or perhaps just short of that. As a joke, they paired me with somebody else (incidentally, (her)). We all saw it as a joke. But there comes a time when jokes stop being funny.

Week two. First day, and I play along. I discover the second guy's secret by accident while nonchantly asking him questions related to my own situation. It wasn't a big deal to me then anyway.

Second day, and the joke goes on. It has placed you on my mind all the time when I heard it. I should have just shrugged it off. But perhaps my principles were too strong. Perhaps I felt it didn't do you justice. In the afternoon I went off to help my cousin but I left much earlier than I should. I couldn't concentrate. I scheduled a dinner with you, and we planned to have it on the next day.

The third day saw me not sharing a class with the guys. I had a really long and boring class before our scheduled dinner. You invited your friend along, which I didn't mind at all really. We had a long dinner where I talked way too long, way too much. I drank too much tea. But here was my mistake. I told you both about our drinking sessions, and stoked too much of your interests.

On the fourth day, we had an enjoyable message conversation. You had slept too much and by the time you woke up I was already done with a lesson, breakfast, and laundry. Everything that came with my mind seemed to flow into place, and I didn't take it too far or our of context. You invited me, along with your(other) friend, to a choir concert on Saturday. I looked forward to it.

On the fifth day, we had a chance to have a dinner together, along with your friend, with the second guy. I certainly didn't mind it then. But you went home and I had dinner with your friend, and I didn't mind that as well. The second guy started to imply whatever he wanted, and I let him be.

Morning of the sixth day. By now, for whatever reason, my emotions had started to pour out. It even seemed like it was an ominous premonition to this whole catastrophe. Perhaps the two guys just played with my fragile sanity for too long. Perhaps I was just too new to this situation. Whatever it was, I spent the whole day listening to Rachmaninoff's Piano Concerto No.3. And what a blissful time it was. It started with separate movements, then I decided to prepare and relax myself for the emotional journey and let myself go. I let it run, the full interrupted version with the ossia cadenza in the first movement, and wept, the full 45 minutes, with it. And from what emotions were these tears materialized from? Sorrow, despair, desire, determination, helplessness, or do I dare say it - love? At the final cadence, I no longer knew where I was - I couldn't tell whether I was in euphoria or depression.

I picked myself up and set off for our meeting. To sum it up - it was a wonderful evening. The light drizzle brought a curious atmosphere to our already-curious destination. We listened to the choir with interest and delight. We made jokes and serious discussions. Then, we went to have dinner nearby, where I had more tea - and made more mistakes while talking about randomness. The topic shifted back to the group again, and this time, you wanted in. I thought about how much a danger that was, but I had no idea then how to reject your offer - in retrospect, it was really easy. But in the crux of the moment, one usually doesn't think of it...

When I returned to the hall that night, I contemplated on your request...and went on with it. Immediately the two guys' suspicions were aroused, evident by the second guy's drawn-out awkward reply to my forwarded request. I was beginning to lose to my principles.

Last day of the week. I went to buy my phone, to replace my prehistoric phone and malfunctioning iPod, and we still had an amicable lighthearted conversation about my choice. Your plan to have your other friend stay over for several days seemed to be unable to come to fruition after realising the difficulty of not having accommodation for her. We were scheduled to have a mass dinner together at night and I called you over, but you were so tired that you never came - that shouldn't have been a big issue.

Afterwhich, the remaining members of the group, namely, me, the two guys, and your friend - had another drinking session. Still, I revealed nothing. If anything, the second guy realised I had discovered his secret and I felt fairly guilty for doing so. After your friend left, I was questioned yet again - and this time, with my principles and sanity on the line - I told the truth.

Right after I did, I knew the game was up. My true despair had been realized, my true intentions divulged. In the midst of my revelation in that cold fateful night, He walked by; now that I think of it, was that a sign? A friend that I had been with just two weeks earlier, now ostracized by nearly everyone else...did my own doing indirectly bring about all this?

That night, I couldn't sleep properly. That night was the 27th. At 23:11 I had completed the blog post prediciting my disastrous fate. It was just that, during that time, I underestimated the magnitude of the disaster. I didn't trust the two guys. They would surely leak things out. After all, the second guy had already unwittingly revealed his own secret to me. I felt that it was my responsibility to tell you myself. I didn't plan for this to reach this stage too early. But mistake followed mistake, and the price to pay for me...was you.

Third week. First day. I was deflated for the whole day, and my display was evident. I thought I had felt the most horrible I did then. But the situation was still stable. Now, there aren't any more jokes. The jokes were the real thing. And in this claustrophobia, I wanted to struggle to break into emotional freedom once again.

Already on the first day, you were unexpectedly in the practice room the first guy usually occupied. And the second guy was just adjacent. I went into that room too, where he pulled you in and struck up a conversation obviously awkward in my situation. It was hard to bear; it was too much a joke I could stand. Curiously, He came in and played for you even though it was evident that you didn't like Him. Still having a lack of appetite from my emotional turbulence, I rushed back to the hall to retrieve my scores which I had forgotten to bring for my choir session. I spent the brief remaining time talking to you and your friend again after He had left; it felt much more comfortable without the second guy around.

I was given a brief reprieve during my choir session. The harmonies from one of Mozart's vocal works suddenly, surprisingly, liberated me and gave me new inspiriation. I immediately had a 5-part structure written out for a fantasia. That night I asked you for another duet practice session the next day, which you enthusiatically agreed to, and tacked on the offer to have dinner to boot. Kabalevsky was involved somewhere in the conversation and I helped you print your assignment.

Day two. 29th January. Just earlier this week. This day saw my mood noticably change, and I still attributed that to the Mozart. We had a successful practice session, and then the fateful dinner.

Perhaps it was the situation, perhaps it was the context of the conversation, but somehow, my fears were swept aside, the repercussions unconsidered; I moved towards the point, not sure why, or having even thought twice. Even when we were right on the line, you were still clueless; that was my cue, the last chance, the critical breaking point, for me to turn back. But yet, the impulsive, unintelligent part of me urged myself to move on to the final stage which tipped the equilibrium. And at that instant, I collapsed emotionally, shivering at what I had done, soaking up everything I had ruined.

Whether you were really strong or merely putting up a front, I have to applaud you. But then again, it wasn't your first time dealing with such a situation. But this situation is different - we were destined for at least close friendship - until suddenly, unnecessarily, I put myself in a highly suspicious light. You had known nothing before then, but now everything I do seems to become more unreliable. I don't know if you thought about it as much as I had...but whatever the case, the danger is to think too much. And even when I knew it, I had fallen into this trap.

I thought, by doing that, I would have relieved myself from the emotional turbulence. Instead, it plunged me deeper into the feeling of uncertainty. Immediately, as we officially parted for the last time as of now, the ominous feeling caught up to me. In my selfish quest to attempt to solve everything myself, I had forgotten about the most important person I should have thought of. At that time, I regretted not entirely trusting the two guys. It was indeed, youthful ignorance from an ageing individual.

You told me I could tell the two guys what happened, but I think I've said too much. Many times after that I've seen them in person, and the pain in my heart itched to reveal everything - but enough was enough, and I had to regain my practice of abstinence. We pretended nothing had happened, and scheduled a group dinner(all 5 of us) the day after. It was my chance to patch things up if I could, my opportunity to show my resilience.

Naturally, I virtually couldn't sleep that night. Lost, all I could do after I returned to my room was sleep. I was awakened, partly due to my roommate, at 2am in the morning yet I felt I had already slept a whole night. I lay awake most of the night, and got up much earlier...on the Third day.

Despite the planned dinner, the second guy only told us that morning he wasn't free until 21:30 at night...which caused you to be unable to attend. I understood you had to finish the Kabalevsky task. Nevertheless, I asked if the remaining members still could have the dinner, which you initially agreed. But the first guy somehow wanted to insist on not going ahead with the dinner ourselves but wait for the second guy, and the meeting didn't materialize. We postponed it till the next day, which we could all agree on.

The rest of the day trickled by with intense pain. As if fate wanted to stab another blade into my already wounded soul, I unexpectedly met you at an event, but it was only a glimpse and all I did was feebly return your formalities. Afterwhich, I returned to the practice rooms. Suddenly, nobody was there anymore, and the rooms seemed to induce claustrophobia. I sat at the piano and practiced the same two pages of the first movement of Rachmaninoff's Piano Concerto No.3 mechanically and routinely. My fingers were moving, but my mind wasn't there. Soon enough the notes fell into place, but each time I played the same passage, the only thought that progresses was of a certain situation which could have been.

Our message conversations were now abruptly short. At most, a total of 20 messages would conclude a topic that I initiated. As everyone in my situation does, I feared asking too many questions would annoy you...

That night, I had a horrible time trying to sleep again. I was sweating all over; turning, writhing about on my bed. Whether I had dreams, or nightmares, I don't really know. But there was definitely an adverse effect on my state of mind.

On the fourth day, I woke up optimistically. But the first guy just had to ask whether we were really going to have a dinner instead of asking for a mutual time and location. Perhaps you were really busy, or perhaps that little sense of doubt within us gave you an excuse to avoid the potentially awkward meeting yet again, and you replied you had to finish up your task. It was postponed for the second time, and my chance for immediate redemption was again interrupted. In the early afternoon I was given some reprieve from advice sought from unrelated persons, but in reality the situation seemed bleak. Another painful and lonely evening passed, where I tried to complete the first movement of my G major sonata...

I had by now resigned the chance to be with you, and just hope that you would still take me as who I was before. In a bid to forgive myself from my frustration I decided to return to the faculty building that night after the first guy mentioned that he was unhappy about something. This was despite him mentioning that I looked 'angry and confused' earlier in the day. Perhaps externally, the misery had taken its toll. Later, an awkward group conversation ensued which continued late into the night. Some parts of it were about Him, but in the end I felt...nobody was really getting anywhere.

Then came the fifth day...and finally we get to the present. (I started this post on the night of 1st February.) One whole month...yet in only one month, I have cumulatively felt more internal pain than I have had throughout my whole existence. Granted, experience comes with it, but a sacrifice was made in return.

Cruelly, fate was toying with me yet again. While waiting for my turn to meet the head of department, you were there too...although you were late for your intended timeslot. We had a few normal words, nothing more, and I shouldn't think too much about that.

The weekly assembly session was one of the most fascinating I have attended. Even though I detected heads drooping beside me, I sat straight and took in everything the programme had to offer, namely a very good pianist playing works only recently reconstructed originally from the Romantic Period. It was rare that hearing a piece the first time could move me so much. Granted, my emotional centre had been displaced, but I was still thoroughly captivated.

I was then thrown off by the second guy, who randomly grabbed my coat while he passed by after the assembly. It might have been a subconscious act, but it not only hindered my direction of movement, but also displaced my raiment. Infuriatingly, he did it again when I passed by him again at the elevator awhile later. I lost it slightly and gave him a scathing look, then drew a comparison to Him. Perhaps it was the accumulated stress which resulted in my distress, or perhaps he was really overdoing it...but it was a sort of irritation that I hadn't showed for a long time. And I regretted it. He apologized and I forgave, but it showed, more obviously now, that there was indeed something wrong with me. And you must have known, given the way the encounter was blown up and discussed in the group.

Tonight, we managed to strike up a message conversation. But after barely 10 minutes, you cut it off. Despite me already nursing my healing soul this was yet another devastating blow to me...unless you really weren't intending it, I got the signal. After all, it was the same method you used to ignore Him...

Even in the midst of typing my recollections, He looked for me...and we had another chat. With my will more resolute I divulged nothing to Him, but He seemed to know something already. Even as we more seldomly meet face to face, He could tell that I wasn't my usual self...though He had bigger problems to solve. It brings to me the fear again...that you might avoid me as much as you do to Him. But I have done nothing inherently wrong. At least, I never meant to.

And now it seems that all hope is lost. The good thing is, in this short time, I have already seemed to pass the most difficult part of self-realisation and forgo what I had initially aimed for. My goal now is to salvage that friendship with you. You are not a person I want to make or break for the sake of it; nobody deserves that in my eyes. The things we talked about in this brief encounter...they were true and sincere, nothing more, nothing less. My impulsive and naive spirit has led all of us into this mess...and for that, I sincerely apologize, to everyone in the group. Despite my tendency in trying to find one of the two guys to pin the blame on, I know that I could have handled the situation better; it was all of my own doing. And now I have paid the price.

I am only but a greenhorn in this field; the final unexplored quality of my life. Granted, I am older than all of you, and sometimes I see the other problems you face as insiginificant to me, but this is one aspect which truly doesn't scale linearly with age. Perhaps it is again related to my inherent personality and principles of treating others, but it seems like I cannot ideally maintain every single relationship with every single person. And this, this seems to be my newfound weakness.

Please forgive me.
JLam posted this at 02:35 | link | 0 comments |