DiViNE EViL DiViNE EViL: Uncontrollable Circumstances


Saturday, February 23, 2013

Uncontrollable Circumstances

Everything that has affected me is starting to show. In plain view of everyone, no less. In a situation where your strength lay, I was supposed to show that I was up to standard. However, the immediate backlash was imminent. I wasn't prepared enough, and on top of that, ridiculed myself. Perhaps I just lose a brain when I'm nervous. I didn't think of anything; couldn't think of anything, and just acted on impulse whatever crossed what was left of my mind. I couldn't bear to look up at anyone. I was going out there, and leaving it to chance. And luck just didn't help me again. All this was plain to see, easily seen in your eyes.

Perhaps you didn't mean that way, or perhaps again I was overthinking things again, but your advice belittled me. You were unapproving of my display and to be honest so was I. All I showed was how incapable I was, and though I was in a virtual conversation with you, it felt more like a lecture than a friendly talk, much less anything even more than that. The mood was dull and heavy, and so was mine. But I was already feeling this way the whole week.

Perhaps the truth has finally gotten to you. The last few weeks were just a form of buying time; now comes the action. The trouble is, some other people know about it; it'd just be awkward for us to even speak to each other. I felt highly uncomfortable; perhaps you did too. Up until this point, I think there's no point going further forward, when finally seeing you again doesn't even cure my misery anymore. There are so many things left hanging in the air...if I don't say anything, I doubt you would ever bring them up. Is this part of your absentminded character or are you deliberately ignoring these facts? Both are equally possible, but I will probably never know. I just enjoyed your jumpy carefree character which you exhibited before that mistaken night, which I long you will return to. How am I able to bring that part of you back? In my situation, with my character, it is even possible? But that's all I ask for.

I am now but just another peripheral person in your outer circle gradually relegated from your interest. I was right up there at your door but showed myself the way out. My greatest fears have come true, even though they didn't seem immediately apparent. But should I insist? If I don't, I will be reminded of His case...because that's what happened to him in the same way. His importance to me was relatively minor, though we were that close before. We talked, studied, laughed together so much, but he always had that slight annoying factor about him, and when he no longer looked for me, I no longer looked for him too. And this would exactly be the same thing that happens if I no longer kept in contact with you. It would be really different a month before...but as things stand now, you seem to even hope that I'll disturb you no longer.

But then again, if I do insist, it'll just be a game of chance...you might find me more unbearable, or more acceptable...having to tie up the loose ends of our unfinished businesses, I might be able to make amends. However, I will have to put in most of the effort, not to mention that my pain and longing will linger for as long as this goes on. I can't decide right now, but it seems like I'm naturally heading this way, willingly succumbing myself to more suffering. I'll have to take my next step after you take yours.

In the end, I just want to free myself from this infatuation. This uncontrollable circumstance...why did this happen to me? I felt that only when I came here, all the problems that I used to hear about and dismiss have befallen on my self. I no longer want to look at you that way, and I want you to look at me as who I was before. But I myself am spiralling down into disaster...my fortitudinous visage unravelling...exposing the frail incapabilities I have always known.

Yet again, I shall fawn over our brief history and sell my soul to Rachmaninoff.
JLam posted this at 12:15


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