Wednesday, July 13, 2016
On the wrong side of time
I am somewhat working towards my passion, but I'm still not adventurous enough, especially when I've come this far somewhat unexpectedly. Until now I'm still stuck between two minds. I've worried about money so much in my life that it has stifled the experience I could have gotten, even though it was never that much of a problem in the first place, especially compared to most other people. I thought a year in this stage of my life won't be a big difference. Well now I wish I were three years younger, and with the time I've wasted, I certainly could have been.
I'm now on the wrong side of time, but then again I've always been, ever since 10 years ago. Back here in SG, I'm going back to my old roots, picking out the things that I should have stuck with. But I've never felt like I could even progress much here compared to the years in HK. It was much more free, brimming with opportunities, like they were presented to you, even. I've always thought that it was just me, who has not discovered the opportunities this place can give. My judgment is still reserved but my hopes aren't as high. Even for a boring person like I am, there isn't anything that's interesting enough here to keep my passion fired up.
Perhaps I should let myself go. People tell me to do what I should have. But there's just this niggling feeling that this would be too much of a monetary burden. That it's too late. That I'll be doing it at the expense of others. Is it worth it? And even if I do, will I disappoint myself, and others who have supported me, like the numerous times that this has happened before? Will I be dedicated enough to not let this fail in the long run? I'm becoming less of the ignorant being I was, but there are still so many shortcomings to overcome. I've learnt that it's not possible to make everyone happy, and in fact it's not beneficial to do so.
It's sad dwelling on the past but the reason I still do so is because of the possibility of reliving it in the future. But the window of opportunity is small, and I myself have shut so many of them in the past. But the one time that I did, and when it embraced me as much as I did to it, has enriched me so much that I've come back longing for more. It's the only way I can go. It has chosen me and I have chosen it. For life.
It has been a decade. And even then, I'm a little late.
Life is really only beginning now.