DiViNE EViL

I have been writing editing so many...testimonials, reflections, and accounts of the person that I am supposed to be, or am supposed to feel. It is the only right way. However, it isn't right in my conscience.

I submitted a 300+ word Personal Qualities draft when others usually have 400 to 500 words. Granted, my leadership skills are lacking, but that's about the only (and sadly, most crucially) the only quality I'm really lacking. Additionally screwing up of submittion forms for leadership posts did not help at all. Not to mention, as the uber-introvert I was since primary school, it's a good gauge of progression until this stage.

But then again, it's still against my conscience. I am unable to put the pen on paper (or finger on keys) to record feelings that I did not ever feel, or things I never ever done. Even those which give me an unsure aura usually get edited to a generic vernacular sentence that future employers supposedly want to see. Because of this excess bootlicking every self-written testimonial, which actually follows a format, becomes generic. Unless you are the president of some organisation in the school, employers might not even bat an eyelid on the wall of text that you have been trying to proliferate.

In the end, it is inevitable to just bear with a few words that will probably not have such a large effect at all. Employers just want to see your qualifications, and perhaps a summary of your most important achievements. I wouldn't really care what you did feel when helping people, unless you state blatantly that you were forced to do community service and abhorred it, because it would be obvious that you were caring and all that. It would all boil down to your work attitude. How you would perform if you were employed by the company itself. No amount of community service history would help you if you were shamelessly disrespectful to the company.

All these...transparent reflections. People can see right through them. They might as well question you right there and then in the interview, to compare with what they are supposed to feel or know. Yes, some people really put effort into helping others, and it shows in their work attitude. No amount of crapping can help you define the fact that you volunteered in three times as few events as the average slacker. Unfortunately, it is the same when we are all exposed to the real world. People just want to hear the pleasant, albeit harmful, comments that they know they will hear.

For my reflection does not look down on me, but light still shines through it until the opaque wall of reality strikes the mundane minds of human beings.

So here goes. Every single day in school from 0730 to 2100. Might not even be productive. But that's for control. Not just confined to the school, but to the library, having to leave a record for even attempting to depart from the glass doors of the Window (ironic).

And I woke up this morning discovering a hint of purpleness under my eyes. I have not been getting enough sleep, and I will not get that in the near future either. This desperate acceleration for academic benefits has already taken its toll. I do, however, feel the physical enlightenment of progression. I do actually feel that I am moving forward. In the correct direction.

The cost will be my efficiency. However, I somehow do not feel all that depressed, unlike how I was during the preparation for 'O' levels. Perhaps the time of DiViNE EViL has not arrived yet. The disaster has been predicted. All the preparations are now, at least, set. It is time to brace for the event, which will feel as if it lasts twice as long than it actually is. And during that time the pain will have to be endured to carry on, or otherwise succumb, collapse, and fall as another generic victim to a thunderous force. However, after it has passed, we will grieve, for not actually being more prepared than we could to the fullest extent. It will be a cycle; a mistake that we will remember forever, but not learn from.

And that is how the power of DiViNE EViL can dissolute the weak, despicable human beings that actually dominate the Earth.

I have realised that a key point in academic strengthening requires social isolation. I am unable to study with more than two people at the same time, even though they might be able to help me with my work. There is simply too much distraction. For a person inadept in multitasking like me, concentration is the only thing I have to rely on, and that weakness to it is distraction.

It will be quite emotionally unsettling. For those really outgoing people who receive and send over a hundred phone messages per day, it is nearly impossible for them to isolate themselves and study. The phone will ring. And it would be in the person's conscience to be rude not to reply. And so somebody who has a high profile is unable to study more effectively.

Fortunately, I have a suitable number of friends that do not bug me much. I rarely receive phone calls at home, unlike my sister, and I am using a top-up phone card which sees me use fifteen dollars in approximately three months. Some people may be able to study in groups, but I have discovered my effectiveness will increase when I am alone. That effectiveness stays approximately the same with two people, and will subsequently spiral down to about 5% in a group of ten. Maybe I can make my own law of academic effectiveness haha. But of course, this may not apply to some people. But so far it seems that most follow this trend.

Therefore, when I have to study in school every night until who knows when, I will have to find a spot to study. I would actually doubt that. There will be too much noise around, echoing about the chamber of the canteen. Nevertheless, since I have been forced into a spot like this, I will have to deal with it.

For it is the inevitable sacrifice that will have to be made.

I will probably spend 1/10 of the time I usually did on the computer, which is what I did for the last 6 or so days. In fact, I had spent none in four of them, and less than one hour for another. I have probably nothing else to do with the computer for now anyway. Therefore I will probably be committing all that time to studying. I will most probably only make another post in September.

To report the progress. The crux of the battle. The force backing the power of DiViNE EViL...I feel strangely isolated now. I could not sleep well for approximately three days in a row. And I feel that my control of English is slowly but steadily deteroriating. I have been encountering difficulties in attempting to construct fluent sentences that express exactly how I feel. I had less of these problems in the past, but now they haunt me occasionally when I'm creating a sentence. There. Another hesisitation when I was typing, to fit the sentence structure in the way I wanted it to be expressed.

That was highly disturbing to myself. Not that I hoped that it would last. I had moved my study area away from the study room (ironically) into my bedroom, away from the piano, computer and my sister (with effect of distraction in that order). Believe me her phone calls are enough to drive me crazy sometimes. It's not her, actually. It's sometimes her consoling the stupidity and naievity of her friends, similar to what I do in a smaller scale, because I don't know people who take stupidity and naievity to that level. Even that Daniel vs Tay Yi thing was miniscule compared in annoyance to this. And she is caught within the confusion that drive their phone calls. Which can last up to three hours of verbal nonsense.

Anyway, by placing myself in a different study area that is not totally foreign, there was little to distract me. Except, ironically, books. I went and read an old thesaurus I found there for more than an hour the other day, but that was at least beneficial. Except that my poor memory makes it 50% efficient.

Fortunately, I had recovered totally from that vertigo crap, six days after it plagued me with a week I didn't want to remember. Now I am able to look more straight...

So, even if I might have lots of things to report, as I usually do but forget them, I might even be too lazy to switch on the computer and type anything. I will have to settle in to studying. It's the time for the engine to start running.

And it won't stop until the end is over.

In the wake of the events that transpired this week, I do say it is fitting that the presence of the power of DiViNE EViL is strong. Now let us proceed...with what I acknowledge as an invisible but life-threatening force that peaks very, very soon. Post number: 151

Original posted on: Sunday, July 10, 2005
Version 2: Thursday, July 20, 2006
Version 3: Thursday, July 12, 2007
Version 4: Saturday, July 12, 2008

Good Evening.

I am JLam, also known as Nevilinity, Finoq, Holeyhell, GrowTrees...the list goes on. You will never know what is behind the mask of names.

I live in a world full of EViL. People who do not understand the virtue of patience, humility, creativity, unselfishness, optimism, flexibility and the ability to tolerate anger. These are common weaknesses of what we call intelligent beings who dominate the Earth, who in fact mostly do not acknowledge the benefits of kindness that is forgiveness. Nobody can understand why people act like people, how stubborn characteristics change their acts, other's decisions, and the future, why people do not realize the joy of life. Life is to be enjoyed, because you will never know what lies after. Nobody knows if your knowledge carries over to your afterlife because it won't affect it. Nobody can control the darkness of people, the anticipation of the next fall of doom to strike our entire population. Nobody can predict how the fairness of judgement and luck can fall upon people and change their character, lives, and future for others, for better or worse.

Such is the power of DiViNE EViL.


And the power has ascended to a new level this year.

Apparently, I now know what kind of symptoms I'm having. It is most probably an infection of the inner ear (don't ask me how I got it) which causes this Vertigo (Dictionary.com) (Wikipedia).

Since the vertigo worsened, I will probably be going back to the doctor to request a full diagnosis of the exact problem (with my inner ear). Let us hope then, that I will experience a speedy recovery back to normal.

Apparently there is also bad news from school. Examinations results, of course...they've raised it a notch again. Means our grades go lower a notch. Considering actually, how I felt so-so for the papers, but screwed them up in the wake of lack of time, I'm hoping luck can save me.

Can it forever...

Now this is highly awkward. On Sunday morning I woke up, feeling normal, until i felt the world around me spinning. I opened my eyes and the room was moving back and forth. It made me nauseated, so I went back to sleep since it was still early. More curiously, I could only sleep with my head facing the right side of my bed, otherwise, eyes open or not, I would still feel sick.

Feeling highly unusual, I went back to sleep and hoped that it was just temporary.

Oh how the horribleness of this crap was going to plague me for over 48 hours...I spent the whole of Sunday on my bed, eating only a piece of bread and drinking half a glass of water. Oh and I guess I puked four times in the process, and was so dry that I only pee'd once. The most annoying thing was that I felt alright when I was not subject to the dizziness. I did not have fever or what other ill symptoms. I just felt sick when I sat up because my head would literally view everything around it spinning, whether I opened my eyes or not. So I ended up sleeping for the whole day in one position that did not make me feel sick. I slept so long that my right ear hurt.

The next day I went to a clinic, and though I felt better I still couldn't walk straight all that well. So I walked with my head tilted to the right. The doctor suspected that it was some inner ear infection that disrupted the balance between the two sides of my head. Well I don't know where I would have got this weird virus but I was willing to get rid of it.

An injection and six tablets later, I still do not feel fully recovered. Although I can focus upon a spot better now, moving my head will still give me a weird floating vibe. Screw this. I can't even read comfortably. In fact, I can't do ANYTHING comfortably. Including sleeping.

Is this a coincidence with the third anniversary of DiViNE EViL? Perhaps. The power is so great now, it is unpredictable. Free me from this misery.