Tuesday, March 25, 2014
I am forced to do what I am supposed to now, which is a good thing. But having no prior experience, or to me, any sort of meaningful guidance thus far, is sort of throwing me off-course. I have no idea where to go, how to proceed, and what to fulfil. It didn't help that I had to involunatarily miss a lesson due to the unforseen illness even though usually the extensive knowledge and skills he possesses are only superficially filtered over to us. But is this what I really want to work on after this? Will I have to do this as my profession? Or will I be allowed more freedom? Sadly, I think that is determined by the current music scene and the people who already are in it; that is, people who have 'known' so much music that they are bored with the 'traditional' works and their styles. The number of new things are appearing exponentially. Among these, there will be hidden gems, and some will be lauded and revered, but even those will not get the exposure like how Western Art Music traditionally did. That is just how it is today. Is my passion strong enough to amalgamate into this society that has deliberately distanced themselves away from the 'plebians' they so deem?
Well at least I'm freeing up my mind to prepare to preoccupy myself with that, because it seems like the illness has further decreased by emotional capacity. It's just the little things that I notice more because of my situation and the little cues that you leave behind that convince me that this isn't going anywhere. Reading my past lamentations about your shortcomings and incompetencies have decreased my interest. Will this just dissipate and end like this? If it does, just let it go indefinitely. I don't want to be taken on another roller-coaster ride to an unknown land and back. Move on. And realize why, up to now, why I've done all that I've done so.
Indeed this makes me colder than I am. But it's all in accord. And the it's transitioning into the sweltering HK summer soon enough anyway. With a valid reason, I can act. And without emotion in the way, the hammer will fall.
The ends justify the means.