Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Ever since that saturday which I poured out my soul to Rachmaninoff, I don't think I've ever felt the same as before. Like a wildly undulating sine curve my mood boomerangs beyond my consent. But in the end all I've brought upon myself is suffering and disappointment. I am unable to work, to sleep, to play, to think, to speak, and to act normally within my requirements. Why has this affected me so much? I have repeatedly told myself to put it down, yet the conflicting mind and spirit within me harbours that little spark of optimism. And in this dilemma I am unable to judge objectively which side is right and which is wrong. It is a decision between a passive and active choice. And that part of me which wants to change, has put me in between my already undecisive character.
Sometimes I feel like I even have to go out of my way to do something usually considered unthinkable by myself, but it is not my own life on the line here. This risk can't be made with any other generic person out there. Everyone is considered special, and some even more than others. But deciphering the signs...if there even any at all, is a task that is eternally shrouded in mystery; an enigma that will never be solved with a solid answer as far as speculation is concerned.
But all this longing and wonderment is not healthy in excess. It distracts me from my ultimate goal, my side goal, and the boring side-prerequisites that I will have to complete anyway. As consolation I have turned to leisure, but even in that I'm not enjoying myself, not immersing myself into the fullest, unable to direct my attention away from the actual troubles. Even the induced urgency of a deadline is unable to propagate my working spirit. Perhaps I have to wait for the curve to return back to the minimum turning point and compose myself, then I can think more clearly without impulsiveness clouding my direction. I have to reconcile and think about it again, but I must be able to return to the stage where I can do this...and I admit, I'm not sure if I can now. Having desires are beneficial, but this surge is too much for me to accept.
Everything in Moderation.