Saturday, February 09, 2013
It's hard to believe how another week has passed, yet this one passed so quickly. Perhaps it was due to my own will to forget about everything at the start of the week. I didn't even type anything for the better part of this entire time, though we still had that doubly-postponed dinner on Wednesday. And as I suspected, the meeting didn't materialize again.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that it could be things like these that make me doubt my choices. I don't think I'm overthinking this - you will just avoid coming to events if you have some doubts about your schedule or outline. I should remember, it was even like this during the previous term. You're not deliberately trying to avoid us, but you're indeed elusive.
The cancellation of the meeting was again due to chance. Your friend fell sick that morning...and despite us jokingly agreeing that I was to treat you dinner the previous night, you told me you forgot you had an English test the next day and couldn't spare any time...and somehow by evening your friend had recuperated.
That night I met the two guys along with some other classmates and watched as the second guy get interrogated about his target. In the end they managed to get the truth out of him, but not before there were many diversions...due to my presence. I opted, as I told myself, to not say a word. Even my facial expressions could give it away as they have done before. But the two guys helped me out here too; they offered totally no hints about me. Then again, they only knew half of it. But in this case, only knowing half is actually renders this situation more fragile for me, and you.
I totally misread your question when talking about it with you when I returned to the hall that night and unnecessarily reminded us about unnecessary things. But now...these revived conversations between us...might have just overturned what I was trying to suppress earlier in the week. And again, it showed. Thursday and Friday made me more anxious than ever. My overthinking tendency returned depite assuring the same thing when I was talking with the first guy. More often than not, our conversations turn awkward, marred by misunderstandings partly caused by language barriers.
For a fleeting moment, I caught a glimpse of you on Friday; it had been a whole week since I had ever did. By the time of this post, I haven't spoken a word face-to-face with you for 11 days now. Our last official parting was still of that fateful night's. And with a weeklong holiday coming up, it'll be long before I get another chance to.
Though we will plan group outings during the break, I highly doubt you would appear due to your nature; I am certainly not expecting so. Even if you do, I have to resign myself to treat you like how I always ever did, and nothing more. Perhaps it's because of this entire ordeal, I have finally realised the concequences of social solitariness and my desire for physical and emotional company has grown greater than ever. And I don't know how to tell the two guys. I did tell a third guy, a new member of the group who has a more similar situation compared to me to the other two guys, and this has slightly comforted my heart. I don't care who accompanies me, even if you are not around, as long as there's someone there, I'm satisfied. The more the better. Because I have holes in my memories to fulfil. And I hope nobody else with me would care more than that as well. If only you all knew nothing.
Indeed, ignorance is bliss.