Wednesday, February 27, 2013
More Unanswerable Questions
Another post expressing my misery...and now, I have no idea what is causing me to be so downcast. I've felt my infatuation decrease...perhaps due to discovering more of your undesirable qualities and habits, and I've seen and spoken to you in person...so what is the source of this horrible feeling I'm experiencing? Perhaps again, I felt that I didn't maximize the potential? But I'm backing off; I'm retreating. Yet again I don't know if you're trying to shun the awkwardness as I am or just plain oblivious. And now even more difficult situations involving people closest to us have cropped up.
More assumptions...perhaps it's because all I feel is that you're pitying me. It was all so unlike the two weeks I have embraced and enjoyed. Suddenly, it's seven weeks into the semester. That's already nearly halfway through, and then our first year of study would end. What will happen then? Your friend, still so carefree as she is, projects the image of what you were. But even she knows difficulty lies ahead. And I will be determined to sit this through, though it may be taxing to my personal relations. Yet, somehow, now that I think of it again, you're not exactly the best person I'd want to keep.
But these kind of things work in mysterious ways. I can't let you go either - stuck in between, I'm forever stretched apart, the pain accumulating until I'm unable to return to my old self. That much has been apparent. How could the previous 23 oblivious years of my life...pass so happily? I look back and yearn for that attitude. It used to define me. But now I have become generic. Accompanied by several companions experiencing similar situations and...failure. It may help me feel better, but it does not make me better in a person in anyway. If anything, it's the opposite.
And your friend...I don't know what to say to her. I understand her feelings but I regret I can't really reveal this to her yet, as much as I want her to know the truth. And after yesterday, this becomes even more difficult for me...for me and you...to let her know everything. It's not that I don't want to, really, but I fear this will be a real shock to her, and she would shun us even more than how you wanted to keep it down initially. Everything's confusing, everything's complicated...and I've never ever been so messily tangled up in this labyrinth of relations. So this is how it is to be like.
It seems like the consolation I have is that this does not affect my other ultimate goal anymore. I have to keep this momentum going, and temporarily this seems to be in my favour. It is pretty much the only thing that keeps myself progressing forward. If I had not been studying music, this semester will probably be just over for me. It is this that keeps bringing me back, the will to continue on, the belief to succeed, the dream for a breakthrough...and through this difficulty, it will grant everything that I achieve with more meaning. I know not to take things for granted...but in reality, that can only be experienced and not said. Even as I realise now, the reason why I dwell so much on the past is because I do not treasure my experiences, but I treasure my memories. And revisiting the past, or even the locations, where these wonderful experiences can be invoked but never be replicated again, is one of the major offenders of the cause of my sorrow. I have to learn how to put them behind...but I haven't managed to yet. Slowly yet surely I am getting close, but until I reach the checkpoint, this pain will linger somewhere in my heart.
Again, I can do nothing but wait. Time is the answer.