Friday, February 21, 2014
The Pains of Knowledge
Every passing second sways my thoughts to extreme opposites. The optimistic side of me, whatever that is left, still sees the possibilities. Meanwhile the realistic side of me is telling myself to stop this self-torture. I had not embraced the concept of sacrifice, but now the dilemma has been thrust unto me; what do I sacrifice exactly? And I think that the decision I have to make is rightly advised; that once I have made this sacrifice, I have to make sure that I will follow through and not turn back in the midst of my mercuriality.
I have been pushing the limits, little by little, but they are only relative to my standards. With each limit comes a greater joy, which is followed by its corresponding greater emptiness thereafter. These gradual changes are only meaningful to the one who is noticing them. It now just seems that we are closer while only I am further away...
And soon that distance will need to be realized...for my own benefit. Until now, it was all about you...have you been deliberately avoiding the topic which is between us? This matters much more to me than to you. And it is evident, from what I know, that my presence is but a peripheral request. There is more I wish I haven't known, or just assumed. I will need to know everything directly. It's the only way I'll be satisfied. But even then, what comes after, will be a greater contrast of feelings.
My disintegration from inside out has only just begun.