DiViNE EViL
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Disillusioned Distractions
I have realised, much later than I should have, that I haven't actually been even close to making any wishes or resolutions since the turn of the year...or since the anniversary of my existence. Perhaps it's because I don't even know what I want now. All the conflicting signs, all the desires against the truth...it's not going to last long, and it's not going to end well the way it's going. But I'm succumbing to it...just because there's nowhere else for my soul to pour into. This devotion...is going to waste, however. Everything that I can give now...will be gone forever, with nothing in return. But I just can't stop it.
I will probably require some distraction, but as it stands, this is the source of the distraction itself, restraining me from my ideal routines. All this fleeting short-term satisfaction will only result in long-term hardship and retrospective disappointment. I've lived my life this way all this time...a major flaw in my character. Perhaps if I forced myself, I could...I know the aspects of my character which are less desirable, but to change them...is really difficult, given my innate unwilllingness to do so.
Meanwhile it seems my creativity is getting more limited every time it is called into question. Every time I look back, I am somewhat amazed of the things I was able to do and the things I could conjure with ease. Perhaps now the standard is raised...to the standard. We are all on equal footing. It has taken me more time to get here anyway...so to outperform is only reasonable for me. For I have been too useless, too long.
Even now I'm lost, going round in circles, repeating what I've lamented about again and again. Perhaps I will need to lament about newfound problems. I'm sure there will be, though I'm just shovelling them behind an invisible veil, hoping I'll never see them...but as they accumulate, soon they'll completely block off my path to progress...and then removing things that I have difficulty seeing would be more difficult that removing them when they appeared in the first place...
Yeah, so...this really is the least of my worries. So get out of my mind. I have other things to accomplish. But I know...it's only a momentary reprieve...
As I know it, I have to learn to accept the concept of sacrifice.
I will probably require some distraction, but as it stands, this is the source of the distraction itself, restraining me from my ideal routines. All this fleeting short-term satisfaction will only result in long-term hardship and retrospective disappointment. I've lived my life this way all this time...a major flaw in my character. Perhaps if I forced myself, I could...I know the aspects of my character which are less desirable, but to change them...is really difficult, given my innate unwilllingness to do so.
Meanwhile it seems my creativity is getting more limited every time it is called into question. Every time I look back, I am somewhat amazed of the things I was able to do and the things I could conjure with ease. Perhaps now the standard is raised...to the standard. We are all on equal footing. It has taken me more time to get here anyway...so to outperform is only reasonable for me. For I have been too useless, too long.
Even now I'm lost, going round in circles, repeating what I've lamented about again and again. Perhaps I will need to lament about newfound problems. I'm sure there will be, though I'm just shovelling them behind an invisible veil, hoping I'll never see them...but as they accumulate, soon they'll completely block off my path to progress...and then removing things that I have difficulty seeing would be more difficult that removing them when they appeared in the first place...
Yeah, so...this really is the least of my worries. So get out of my mind. I have other things to accomplish. But I know...it's only a momentary reprieve...
As I know it, I have to learn to accept the concept of sacrifice.
