Sunday, March 15, 2009
It was so bad that my blog fell as well. It never opened for me for a few days. My phone line collapsed, and so did my internet. Left in the void, I shrunk to a corner and thought of what could have been.
And so, years after my last ever achievement I fell to a deeper hole. A lower level. No plan at all. Unable to produce evidence of substance, I have been eliminated from the academic knock-out stage. The path is blocked and I can rise no further. What's worse is that this can't be helped for another two years.
Even in my imagined worst situation could not my Chemistry Grade fall as low as that. I have put in twice the effort compared to Physics and it has just the same grade. I have put in ten times the effort compared to Mathematics and it is just one grade better. I came out feeling confident about it and it results in this. Until now, I still can't believe the apparent fact that has surfaced. My chemistry grade is too low and my mathematics grade, which I didn't really give a damn about, is too high. There has been some mistake somewhere somehow.
Now my confidence has dropped low again. My father is at it again, the conscience-sapper loafing around draining the confidence out of others. At camp, the tension has been quite high during the previous week. Friends and family no longer help, so only words will emerge. Even then, my internet, computer and blog can fail on me anytime.
The change is going against my principles. Very soon I will be unable to control them if this goes on. I feel much more ugre for an outburst to occur during the past few months. In this year, my back doesn't hurt, but very soon my mind will. The power of DiViNE EViL is sapping the values from within me. The feeling to be unaware and cold towards others is bliss. I felt this for the first time this Monday. The EViL rising within me. Against my will.
But soon I will realise that this power of EViL is required to face the outside world.