DiViNE EViL DiViNE EViL: Complex Recurrences


Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Complex Recurrences

I should have known it wasn't so simple. Right after I thought I had succeeded, the test pressed on...causing me to cast doubt in my answer. Already, this continuous erosion of my willpower has begun to reveal the cracks that I have only recently mended. Faced with the line of questioning, I can't deny...things which are still the truth. And as my natural character starts to exhibit itself, this liberty I have around you has quelled some of my previous awkwardness and fears.

I can still feel my emotions longing for something, but there seems to be nothing it can really latch itself on. That I feel I have successfully disengaged the link between you, causing a loss of a sense of direction and polarity within me. But it still searching, tirelessly attempting to turn my mind back to history. It seems like the only thing keeping me to my sanity now is ironically, your indifference. Knowing that this will never be reciprocal, I am able to keep my resolve to reject the possibility given our history. And from your reactions, I can infer the same thing now. But I have thought too much, way too much. Even in my slumber, your indifference is a recurring theme, the prime subject occupying the bulk of my phantasmic visions. Even my subconscious mind is pulling the strings, which will return me to where I do not belong, establishing the link between the conscious mind and my emotions again. Not to mention, all this, without you knowing a thing. Is your obliviousness to be underestimated? Perhaps I really have to end everything in the way I had intended. For each truth I do not divulge, I get a mystery that is not solved. Answers result in more answers...do I have to give all I have to obtain all I can? I might just have to.

It is not all over yet. There is still a week to our last assessment, before this academic year has finally ended. I've probably learnt more things not academically related, though...when we consider that several examination papers actually have graded questions asking us to write on what we learnt this semester. Should I say that was fortunate that I didn't have a great workload? Was the lack of work the reason why I couldn't be distracted, or why my feelings couldn't be suppressed? Or was the lack of work an alleviation which ensured my grades weren't that adversely affected? Either way, there was less I learnt there than the lessons which I truly gained from. Indeed, everybody has a different way in absorbing information. The teaching method was effective, but I didn't enjoy it. I didn't enrol myself into this course. But it was one that I had to pay attention the most, to do my own research, to complete my own projects, to set my own examination. It is also the one that will never give me my grade. It's just a border between passing and failing. Where do I stand?

I guess the level of interest we have in something is shown by how much we care about it. Judging from this, one can infer many things...perhaps too many. There might be some variance on the capacity of concern exhibited by individuals as well. Until these levels start to change, the general situation will probably remain as it is right now. Or perhaps...until they realise the significance of these levels. Or perhaps, they know...but there is nothing they can do. There is nothing to be done.

For the burden of knowledge is the reason why the essence of joy is unable to be harnessed by people.
JLam posted this at 18:47


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