Wednesday, May 01, 2013
You knew my intentions, and when you were dedicated a piece associated with such a solemn atmosphere...was it immediately apparent that I expressed my true feelings through music? If that wasn't obvious enough, the conversation thereafter, despite it being started by you, should have resonated with your train of thought. And there I was still immersed in my own world, lauding my own hardwork for what it is. Only when I played it to other people, did I receive the feedback that their first impression was that of a truly sorrowful mood. Is it really that oppresive? Regardless...it does truly resonate with my mood at the time when I actually play it.
That aside, what did I actually hope to achieve otherwise? Although this time, I had to admit that what I did truly reflects my feelings, I had done it without thinking about the repercussions again. I was indeed thinking too much initially, but after what I said, I guess it isn't too far-fetched to come to such a conclusion. Yet I still doubt it matters to you much anyway. Initially, you gave little thought...since there are indeed more important things to care about right now. Now, I am of no relation...you mean good to me, but you aren't willing to be any more personal than it is right now. I can't blame you for that. I have come across...being too cautious and conscious, and not being myself. It is probably best even for myself to stop here. But I have already tried, and failed, thrice...there is nowhere for the emotions to escape to after suppressing them. But with each time, it has at least slightly dwindled...however, in between, too much has happened which I prefer not to experience again. The mysteries are still there, but I no longer want the answers to them. I'm willing to trade my knowledge for freedom.
And so, another month has passed. This will be the last it will pass normally, for the semester is finally about to end. And what a semester it has been. In just four months, my world has been torn asunder; my capacities stretched to their limits. Yet, there is still no conclusion...there is no final word. But it's time for some well-needed rest; it is time I return to where I am truly familiar with, where I never experienced these troubles, where I had been throughout my life...to recuperate and hopefully ressurect my fallen spirit. However, that is still a month away, and, as fragile or stagnant the situation is, everything can change with no warning. Not like it is going to be for the better of me, anyway. Because now I understand the basis of your intention. You are appreciative of what I do and who I am, and that I have worked to mould myself around these points. But that is the furthest extent, and neither am I willing to change anything about myself too drastically beyond that. And that is likely to be how it will stand...until the end.
It is never too late to learn life's lessons.