DiViNE EViL DiViNE EViL: Shadow of the Leader


Friday, May 23, 2008

Shadow of the Leader

For much of my life, I have been the supporting role of others. The strange thing is, I would usually prefer not to be exposed, but a bit of me yearns to acquire that glory; that feeling of euphoria.

In the end, it leaves me with a lesser sense of responsibility. Last saturday I attended CHSSB's annual concert at VCH, with the main reason as to listen to the premiere of Fei Yang's piece, Threnody. As I sat in the audience, inside of me, the spirit of composing to rival him rises again. Unfortunately, the lack of committment I have usually results in a piece that lasts no longer than thirty bars (usually getting pissed off with the score-writing computer program). However, I feel the growing progress that I have made. The first time I had this feeling, I wrote a two-minute piece for violin, flute, trumpet and oboe (I think it was oboe). The second time, I wrote a full 6-minute piano solo that I was unfortunately unsatisfied with. Some bits and pieces of motifs spanning half a page were also noted. This time, the obstacle seems to be studies and time. Next week I will be on a school trip, and after that is a mad rush to study nearly everything in three weeks for the mid-year examinations. Besides, there are not many strong motifs stuck in my head now.

I dare not speak of PJCSB now, as I sense the presence of DiViNE EViL, extremely near. Blogs coming into question, that is...I felt extremely neutral, as I have always done so. However, there was a sense of foreboding. A sense of urgency to halt the progress of thought. In the end, the issue remained fairly anonymous, but it did not seem that way to whom the issue was addressed to.

That is why I am so vague, and used to be even more vague, in referring to certain people or organizations. Long ago I knew it was not safe to post information referring specifically to people as to protect their privacies. In the end, my main expressions on a blog here are not about the little things that have happened between me and whoever not in school. The person doesn't matter unless you know him/her well. And only if you have truly evaluated this person honestly, can you actually have some little bit of power to comment on him. What I am currently feeling at this instant will then be slightly processed and typed. I may be a hypocrite sometimes and contradictions may arise, but I'm more of a 'present' person. My memory is fairly poor.

For something that I feel that I can excel in, I will have the confidence to lead. Otherwise, no matter how well I start off with something, I'd rather be in the shadow of the leader, the guide for success.

For some reason, fear starts to plague me now.
JLam posted this at 23:03


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