Thursday, March 28, 2013
A Familiar, Ominous Prospect
This previous week has brought me back to the short but memorable, at least for me, period before I messed up. But it no longer seems like it matters whether it happened or not anyway. Through all my fluctuations of thoughts and feelings, some of the points that I had to use to somehow conjure some disdain for you might have been true. I was but a little sidetrack to your main goal. Though how you still cared for me was somewhat remarkable. Others would probably just not care anymore, but you forgave me, probably waving it off as a bout of inexperience on my part. Now that I think of it, it might have been a bane or boon for me either way. As it stands, I will have to go through the pain a second time. This time, it's not for me to decide.
At this point of time I guess it shouldn't be me asking you questions anymore. You deal with interpersonal relationships much better than I do, but I have to wonder, do you still know my intentions? Do you still remember what I have said? We have never explicitly brought up this topic again, no matter how close we were to it. Were you just numb to these common, trivial matters while I was oversensitive? If I have to still ask these questions, I guess it just isn't me you're looking for. And I should have known all along, but I was just optimistic most of the time.
Now all that I'm waiting for is the full force to hit me in the face. This time, it should end everything, for the tone of finality it brings, and all the possibilities it extinguishes. I thought I had recovered, but deep inside, it seems that I have yet to experience all that there is to absorb. I'm ready to embrace my fate...but will I be able to take it? How long will I take to recover again? There are too many uncertainties, too many questions to be asked. Only a few need answering...enough for me to take.
I will be anticipating this moment...the defining answer that will end what had changed me so much in the past four months. Very likely, I will have to face the truth head on. It will come as a short question and answer, and I guess you will have no choice but to answer directly. The time has finally come to end all assumptions. It was these assumptions which brought about all this misery in the first place anyway. I remembered the last time when I foresaw the undesired revelation which caused all that pain. Now...it is going to happen again.
Let judgment reign again...upon my battered soul.