DiViNE EViL

Hey, what do you know. I'm still alive.

The world is becoming a weirder place, and day by day I understand it less. Things are still going in straight lines for me, unremarkably; the past three years could have been three months and I wouldn't have felt the difference. But I'm still getting older. I'm still going nowhere. And my English is still deteriorating.

But here again is a chance to make something different. Maybe it's good to just keep trying. After all, it's never too late to fail, at least I've learnt that. The only person who would care as much in the future would just be myself. I only ever learn years after I have actually done something anyway.

So is it that time again, to ride on my luck? I've been thankful of what I have right now, though I recognize that I could have done much more. But as much as I was content all this while, all things will need to soon come to an end...and it might come by unexpectedly.

Here's a toast to my future.

Like it or not, the best years of my life, or those that should be, are quickly diminishing. More than a year into the working life, I guess this is what I'm going to work with eventually. Not that I'm staying here for long, but I've at least a taste of what's to come. At the very least, it does seem that it can get better from here. But chances for me to experiment and make mistakes are becoming less forgiving as time goes on.

There is less for me to see without sacrificing anything. And how silly was I to care about the expenses I could reduce, which weren't even mine in the first place, instead of using the resources I was given to make more mistakes so I could learn from them. It has become too late for me to realise that this method is actually the most effective for me. But there are some mistakes which have permanent effects.

I dwell too much on the past. From my isolated youth, I thought too much about making mistakes and remembered the most of the worst of them. But then came my enjoyable period of learning, and now I think too much of the times where the atmosphere, the feelings, and emotions, were magical. Where have they gone now? Can I not really experience them here again?

Only a few days; a few interactions; are enough to wake the remnants of my desire to relive and reminisce. As the past year plodded by, and my life devolved into routine, have I started to gradually fall out from what I stood for in my journey of learning. Despite using all the skills and knowledge I gained then to aid me in my work now, I'm burning its output to fuel the vapidness of survival.

It's still not too late yet, but the flame is nearing the end of the wick. Of course, nobody knows what this year may bring, but I'm sitting here hoping again. The difference only becomes more apparent when you're not able to do anything about it.

Embrace all you can now, my friend.

The problem when this kind of inter-relational problems occur, is that I always fear that I myself am contributing to the root of the problem. But it seems that the other party sees it even less, and that virtually nobody is on their side, which makes me wonder if they believe what they are doing is justifiable.

I mean, how much more plainly do you want me to put it? All was fine and dandy until your jealousy kicked in. At first, I thought I indeed was treating you unfairly, until I realised you never pull this off on anyone else. At first, I was trying to be as diplomatic as possible, not responding to your daily incessant requests. At first, I was trying to close one eye on everything, not questioning the many instances of you following me wherever I go. And then, I had to make it a little bit more plain and clear, when somehow my patience ran dry. And then, I had to raise my voice the first time in years. And then, I had to appease the situation by isolating myself. But oh, it wasn't enough. But oh, I never had the breathing space, But oh, you thought you've done enough. But I don't know if you know that you're still intruding into my personal space more than anyone else ever did, and that's saying something. You need me to spell it to you or something, but even so, you still don't understand somehow. My principles and conscience remain clear, in which I will respect every single person, until they lose it. And yours just hit rock bottom, and a few months isn't going to make it recover, especially if we don't break off contact entirely.

In the heat of the moment I thought my dislike was irrational. Now that I've a little more time to think about it, each event which fueled my dislike a little more is extremely clear, burned into my mind. Starting from the event which I could play a duet instead of a solo 'if I insisted', to 'I'm sure I recognized the guy we spoke with yesterday', to 'okay you don't want to eat with me that's fine', to the 5-minute 'why you don't want to go' nag, to 'you won't play this specific piece with me but you will play with them despite us already playing 5 pieces the past few days' (and when I finally do, you half-assed it), to 'play Ondine' for the 20th time in a week, to 'you're so good you don't need to take exam', to 'you're the only one I can communicate with', to 'I'm left out of the loop when you all talk in Cantonese' to 'you don't even seem like you want to play with me' when I finally do, to 'I prefer this rendition, so many colours' bootlicking bullshit when I half-ass a piece, to 'why you didn't wait for me' when I'm doing my own stuff on my own schedule and all you want to do is tag along (and allowing you to for the first time doesn't greenlight you for all subsequent instances), to this crap right now when 'you're ok with them but not ok when I ask you to do something'. No sh*t, one is because I've got no interest at all in what you're doing, regardless of who's asking. And it's not like I accepted 'their' offer, rather than they pressed it onto me. But that's okay, you know, because that's just like the second time they're doing that. Unlike your fiftieth.

And that's already excluding the events that I might give you the benefit of the doubt, such as 'not comfortable taking the train' but being able to whenever I do. And yet, you're trying to blame it on everything, from 'racism' to 'floor discrimination' to 'me being influenced by them'. No. It's you. And you alone. We had a great three months where I was delighted to meet someone where I could discuss several topics in, and you were too. But I guess you got too overexcited. You've gone and ruined it. And all you're doing is making it worse.

Until you acknowledge this fact, this cannot be saved. It's taken a huge emotional toll on me, somewhat due to the fact that I have horrible interpersonal relation management as well. Rather than having to deal with your whining, I chose to isolate myself, but still open to intermittent interactions. It was getting better too, until you had to go ruin it all again, and apparently your grudge runs deep. Well then, to make sure, I will actively avoid contact. After all, my purpose here is professional, and everything else is just extra. Unless, of course, you choose to affect that in retaliation. I really hope you won't stoop that low, but I can only be wary.

The last time I channeled all this negative energy into something useful. Hopefully this time I can, too. Other external factors also start to creep in, and as mentioned before, time is running out. Yet, I can't wait for time to run out here.

All that I never believed in is coming back to haunt me.

Age is catching up, whether I like it or not. These two years...are a little bit too uninspiring at the moment. I've learnt much, but with the feeling that time is running out yet again, I don't know if I should remain at this state.

I am somewhat working towards my passion, but I'm still not adventurous enough, especially when I've come this far somewhat unexpectedly. Until now I'm still stuck between two minds. I've worried about money so much in my life that it has stifled the experience I could have gotten, even though it was never that much of a problem in the first place, especially compared to most other people. I thought a year in this stage of my life won't be a big difference. Well now I wish I were three years younger, and with the time I've wasted, I certainly could have been.

I'm now on the wrong side of time, but then again I've always been, ever since 10 years ago. Back here in SG, I'm going back to my old roots, picking out the things that I should have stuck with. But I've never felt like I could even progress much here compared to the years in HK. It was much more free, brimming with opportunities, like they were presented to you, even. I've always thought that it was just me, who has not discovered the opportunities this place can give. My judgment is still reserved but my hopes aren't as high. Even for a boring person like I am, there isn't anything that's interesting enough here to keep my passion fired up.

Perhaps I should let myself go. People tell me to do what I should have. But there's just this niggling feeling that this would be too much of a monetary burden. That it's too late. That I'll be doing it at the expense of others. Is it worth it? And even if I do, will I disappoint myself, and others who have supported me, like the numerous times that this has happened before? Will I be dedicated enough to not let this fail in the long run? I'm becoming less of the ignorant being I was, but there are still so many shortcomings to overcome. I've learnt that it's not possible to make everyone happy, and in fact it's not beneficial to do so.

It's sad dwelling on the past but the reason I still do so is because of the possibility of reliving it in the future. But the window of opportunity is small, and I myself have shut so many of them in the past. But the one time that I did, and when it embraced me as much as I did to it, has enriched me so much that I've come back longing for more. It's the only way I can go. It has chosen me and I have chosen it. For life.

It has been a decade. And even then, I'm a little late.

Life is really only beginning now.

Shockingly, another two weeks have passed. My reminiscences seemed like only yesterday. My return to HK seemed like only two weeks ago. The fact is, the next two years are going to pass like that, and it's only what I do in between which will truly push me to the next level.

I seem aimless on the outside, and indeed I am, by default, in that state. A desire always glows within me, and I actually do have something to work towards. A large milestone was achieved this year, I'd agree, but there's hunger for more. But it's only my own conviction which can cause my progress. I have to produce something physical, something tangible, and there's no running away from that.

There is so much that I think I'm missing out on. Are there any time limits really? I can sit here and rue on the inadequacy of others, but that will just prove myself to be inadequate as well. As I know that is where I truly stand right now, I have to get out of this state. Even by unconventional methods. And perhaps that'll even benefit me more than if I did otherwise.

Maybe I really am unconventional. But I never felt that way, nor did I ever purposely wanted myself to be. Okay, maybe sometimes. In many ways I'm still as sane as you are. But then again, only I'll be reading this anyway. So then again it's another reminder to make myself a less useless person. Now. As soon as possible. Go.

For far too many times, history has repeated itself.

And just like that, nearly a year has passed. Much has indeed happened, but nothing too drastic to report about that I have had to return here. In the end, a bout of nostalgia has brought me back to this place, where my shameful past is all outlined by myself.

It is always intriguing to see the changes between my past and present self. There is never enough to learn and experience, but I will attempt to refrain from condemning my inexperienced past. In fact, I'm still inexperienced in many aspects now. My deterioration of my writing skills has reached a new level, as my practice and usage of language wanes.

But enough of that. This isn't what I'm back here for. Though it's hard to say if I'm back at all. I'm back in SG, that's for certain. However, it hasn't even been half a year and I have started to miss the past already...there's something in HK which I felt more at peace with; the contrast, the illusion of space, the chill which reaches within...in just four days of me returning there, I have felt more at home outside rather than inside. Something beckons me to return there, whether it be the musty streets, the strong chilly winds, the steep mountain trails, or the bridges and infrastructure. In contrast, I don't really want to be outside here. If it's not making me sweat it's raining more often than not, and despite living so near a nature reserve the thought of going in the day already makes me perspire. But then again, some nights in the streets or quieter areas here can be quite cozy as well. I guess I do actually have a desire to go out...

But more importantly, these are actual things that evoke responses from me, that I had rarely developed during my first 22 years residing in my native land. Feelings of longing. Spontaneous emotions. Contrasts in temperature. Imaging of thoughts. Variations of subjects. Sometimes I feel whether the stability of this place is actually stagnancy in things relevant to me. After all, I have felt more at home than ever, experienced more than ever, and grown more than ever in only a few years there compared to the rest of my life here. My desires to return home in between my stay there have now reversed...

Yet there are many things which are actually still alien to me. The time and experience I've had here in familiarizing with the more indirect issues will prove to be even more difficult to understand in a new, different area with different running systems. I would have definitely been taking some things for granted now that will rudely awaken me in obstacles to come. Perhaps it's just something I have to deal with.

And then sometimes I just don't know what to think anymore. Incompetent sometimes, inconsiderate other times, and plainly clumsy and lacking confidence all around, perhaps I have to think about other things first before deciding to assert my choices. But time is running out. I am already three years behind, with a potential two more. There comes the time where youth is no longer a word that I'm familiar with. It will become a thing of the past, piled up together with the nostalgia which haunts me. Even right now.

The signs are all there, but we just choose to read them from the back.

I would have been convinced by my own necessity to post every month, but for what purpose anyway. I could have, for I had opinions which I might have wanted to share, but I guess they were either too controversial for my own liking or I couldn't be bothered. Knowing myself, probably the latter.

In any case, not having the desire to post anything is a good thing in my own right. Only negative feelings would be expressed through words in a way to channel them out. I would gladly revel in positive emotions, so much so that posting becomes inconsequential.

For now, I have to enjoy the moment, as I have finally reached the end of this phase. When stability is uncertain, when unexpected factors appear, when I have to redefine my path on the fly. But that is for another year. In a sense, it's a nostalgic feeling coming from the future, when it all ends. Until then, I shall attempt to relive all my wildest, most impossible dreams.

If only I could stay here forever.