Saturday, November 28, 2015
Time is as mysterious as it is.
It is always intriguing to see the changes between my past and present self. There is never enough to learn and experience, but I will attempt to refrain from condemning my inexperienced past. In fact, I'm still inexperienced in many aspects now. My deterioration of my writing skills has reached a new level, as my practice and usage of language wanes.
But enough of that. This isn't what I'm back here for. Though it's hard to say if I'm back at all. I'm back in SG, that's for certain. However, it hasn't even been half a year and I have started to miss the past already...there's something in HK which I felt more at peace with; the contrast, the illusion of space, the chill which reaches within...in just four days of me returning there, I have felt more at home outside rather than inside. Something beckons me to return there, whether it be the musty streets, the strong chilly winds, the steep mountain trails, or the bridges and infrastructure. In contrast, I don't really want to be outside here. If it's not making me sweat it's raining more often than not, and despite living so near a nature reserve the thought of going in the day already makes me perspire. But then again, some nights in the streets or quieter areas here can be quite cozy as well. I guess I do actually have a desire to go out...
But more importantly, these are actual things that evoke responses from me, that I had rarely developed during my first 22 years residing in my native land. Feelings of longing. Spontaneous emotions. Contrasts in temperature. Imaging of thoughts. Variations of subjects. Sometimes I feel whether the stability of this place is actually stagnancy in things relevant to me. After all, I have felt more at home than ever, experienced more than ever, and grown more than ever in only a few years there compared to the rest of my life here. My desires to return home in between my stay there have now reversed...
Yet there are many things which are actually still alien to me. The time and experience I've had here in familiarizing with the more indirect issues will prove to be even more difficult to understand in a new, different area with different running systems. I would have definitely been taking some things for granted now that will rudely awaken me in obstacles to come. Perhaps it's just something I have to deal with.
And then sometimes I just don't know what to think anymore. Incompetent sometimes, inconsiderate other times, and plainly clumsy and lacking confidence all around, perhaps I have to think about other things first before deciding to assert my choices. But time is running out. I am already three years behind, with a potential two more. There comes the time where youth is no longer a word that I'm familiar with. It will become a thing of the past, piled up together with the nostalgia which haunts me. Even right now.
The signs are all there, but we just choose to read them from the back.