DiViNE EViL

Your primary intention is to escape from the pains of your past. Your intention is to forge a friendship with a true, trustable person. Your intention is to free yourself from the restrictions of your own world. But inadvertently, you invoke something more than that. I thought we couldn't be any closer, but yet your own obliviousness has proved me wrong again. There's...more affection involved, much more than your ideal example. The best and worst of you have been laid out, your true self revealed. Can I say I know you more than most whom you know? All this only in the span of one year. And in this one year things have happened, disappeared, and returned with more fervor each time. It's not only a cycle, but a spiral - the curves getting steeper with each reiteration.

All this - and I still know my feelings are doomed for eternity. In the midst of this, you are still able to speak about things which are awkward given our history. Though I brushed it off, it is really not totally controllable as i have previously mentioned. In the end, is it me giving too much, or you expecting to take too much? Or perhaps it could even be more sinister...knowing that you have this advantage within your reign.

I have told you twice already...but each time, I have come to realise that you have still underestimated the dilemmas you have given me. Although we are in an ideal situation right now, prolonged exposure will only condemn me to misery unless something else manages to distract me. I don't know how to explain everything fully without ruining our past efforts, or causing you to take actiin against my distress. It's because, no matter what, I will only lose.

I think too much into your messages, but in real life, you're just a clueless, straightforward being absorbed in your own wonderland. And perhaps that's what still draws my attention. All this while, trying to think about your negatives has numbed me so much that become the unusualities that I can accept.

As we temporarily draw apart again, similar feelings from this same period of time one year ago return to me. The returning spiral which turns with less frequency but with more intensity. I'll just hope this is just as much temporal as it is. But when will the truth be out? With one truth I divulge, another one beckons, and each confession hardens but breaks me. Perhaps I should just forgo everything and break my reputation. Yet again I've never been this fickle minded. Every action you take will have a large bearing on my disposition.

I will return and settle things soon. Well, not me. Time will have to do it again. Will this wretched journey ever change? Perhaps...it will be you yourself who determines our fates.

But until then, it's deja vu.

I've used these words to the death, but they really fit you all too well. Lost in your own world, the rate of revolution of events is independent to ours. But when times are difficult, and you can't just depend on yourself - these are the times that you have to broaden your scope and identify the source of the problem.

That said, I've gotten everything off my chest. So I was right that you knew nothing about my pain and suffering. Though it's relatively trivial now, you now share your pains from your trails and errors with me - without sharing your joy. I have been supportive of you all this time, and you seem to take it for granted. Perhaps you don't know how cruel this world can be. This is only scratching the surface.

But perhaps now you've seen that I've shared more, you have also naturally started to do so. In addition to what I am helping you with now - the only thing I can provide is pity. Perhaps it's because I'm in this position, having existed longer than most people around me. I can see all the flaws, the reasons for your troubles, and what you are about to bring upon yourself. But how much I can alert you in a serious manner and cause you to respond accordingly is not even close to my control. I guess all I can accept is your own offer to improve me.

The twisting, undefined bonds between us are strangely close yet frail at the same time. In what could be linked by happiness, we are linked by sorrow and uncertainty. I certainly didn't mean for it to develop this way but nothing is as straightforward as it seems.

At least there's something for certain now. In my new quest, I seek for the one who will be able to accept and return all that I have to give. It has been accumulated for two dozen years now. It has lain dormant for an abnormally long time. It is waiting to be set free. It is waiting for the right time and being.

Fate is as unpredictable as it gets.