Thursday, December 20, 2012
Pretty much everything has changed. Even Blogger has changed. I do not remember seeing this layout ever. My old ways of preaching the delusional spirit of DiViNE EViL is no longer part of my principle, though I still advocate the essence of its content, thus I will not change the title of this blog myself, even though I have changed the colours (to facilitate easier reading). But all these changes...are not instigated by myself. They are helped, by chance, pity, kindness or fate...to bring me back onto my feet.
Age does not matter anymore, what only matters now is the capability to do something. Despite my wasted time and perceived lack of maturity, there are other factors that only experience can bring, the judgmental righteousness and self-control. These few months were pretty much a cakewalk in terms of academic content, but there were many who were struggling, and others who were undergoing their period of self-realisation. Perhaps it was a virtue that I had no other committments during the time I was allowed to reflect on myself. However, some old habits never die, despite my will to change. Even if it worked for a small period of time, the aftereffects backfired, resulting in me resorting to mitigation instead of sudden change.
Such an environment is by far not new to me; but the reactions by others have gradually warmed up and helped immensely. I might have been alone, but have never been lonely. Yet now I can consider that instead time to be treasured. Appreciative I may be, sometimes I do not explicitly show it. But I am thankful.
In the midst of this newfound emotional relief a new feeling has struck me; right down into the very centre of my inner being. It is that which I have never ever spoke of before, and I will maintain its silence unless that too is being released in an highly unlikely or improbable event. I have known nothing about it, despite hearing so much about it; I have been around it, yet never really experienced it. The oblivious part of myself has been awakened, and it is only up to myself to lead my own way. In a month of turmoil, it has risen and waned periodically, sometimes inspiring to my thoughts, sometimes exhausting my ideas; yet in this very specific nature and elusive situation I am left on a cliffhanger unable to resolve until the near future. I have faced unanswered questions one after another, multiplying each time, yet I am not willing to ask for help. Perhaps it has something to do with my principles, or my still-innate character. Changed though I have, I am still the same person I recognise. And though it's not despair this begets, I would certainly want to know the final answer to this rollercoaster of unsolved mysteries.
That exodus aside, getting back to business: I shall return to my past once more (provided the world doesn't end tomorrow as 'predicted'), where I will be given the chance to compare the immediate change these few months have brought me. Perhaps I have developed more than I thought. Perhaps this is really the place for me. Either way, I should stop regretting my past and take it as another pinch of experience. I might disagree with my old self but the subtle hint, the essence of my stance remains the same. And hopefully this will all culminate into a relatively troubleless path I will be walking down come the New Year.
As now I know, simplicity in life begets simplicity in nature.