Sunday, May 31, 2009
As I grow older and start to assimilate into the 'grown-up world', I find that there's nothing so grown-up, mature, or sensible as I thought it would be. It just so happened that I was brought up on the bright side of the spectrum, and that this bright side that I am forced to uphold and being restricted into, is an extremely narrow focus. I was brought up to become the best/better, and that method is to totally severe ties with the lower-class. No other reason would we save like mad just to live in a better place where our clothes, handphones and computers are five years off what others are using.
I've only ever had three handphones. First was a gift from my uncle many years ago, and it lasted me quite a while, even in the era where colour-screen phones were starting to run rampant. When I thought a camera phone would be useful, I asked for one, and I was given a second-hand phone for my birthday which required me to pay half the cost. It was ridiculous. Not only the camera was just for show due to the amount of dust clogged up at the lens, the screen wasn't even clear. And I was to act as if I owed my parents my word for being hardworking when all I got was a half-assed phone which I still had to pay half the cost. Ever since then I never asked for anything because it was predictably futile, not to mention it would backfire in my face when asked about my results, which weren't even bad then. It's not like we couldn't afford it, or had to save a fortune to acquire it, it's just that some people just don't think that this generation's needs and wants differ than those of their own generation, and repeatedly draw up comparisons between their apparent rise from lower class to the middle class to ensure that we stay here at their command.
I don't know what I ever did wrong. Looking back, I was raised as a wuss, encouraged by teachers to keep quiet, and basically never did anything that I didn't need to. Therefore in the outside world my principles are mistakenly conveyed to people that I am quite selfish. This is the reason I could never talk back to my parents; I never wanted, never intended to. But it's this reason I'm given that is my own weakness. I'm told that I should speak up more. Yet, they don't realise that we're better than much of the other people I know from our age because we actually give them VERY little family problems by not talking back. Afraid of them, we obey their direct commands; in our heart we yearn for that freedom. But when that freedom came, due to our over-restriction, we were unable to handle that freedom, and under more sarcastic remarks we merely had to withdraw back into the corners and do as we were told.
There was no real time of our lives we enjoyed ourselves as a family. Everything we did, we would rather do ourselves. The most we did was maybe play mahjong as a family. We were not brought up to understand what we wanted in life. We were brought up to follow orders. What we didn't like to do, we still did. Any inkling of being unhappy would result in an annyoning string of sarcastic persuasion or pretending that a failed activity is all our fault. Like how I just heard a sigh that is three times louder than any normal sigh. It's as if we were all obliged to be in their footsteps, as if we should be thanking them we apparently had such a sheltered childhood, as if we should be thanking them profusely for accepting a second-hand phone which I had to pay half the cost as a gift. I've heard a lot about people complaining about their parents but how I can't complain about mine is becauase they don't expose themselves directly by punishing you but they use their words and body actions to convey an invisible message to your irritance that plainly says 'you're in the wrong.'
There are always reasons why disobeyment occurs. One, is that there is no respect from the person issuing the order. Believe me, one of my firm principles is that I should always respect one who does not lose my respect. So far, only four people throughout my whole life I has lost my respect. Sadly, two of them are physically close to me. The next reason is deliberate disobeyment, to show that you actually have the power to call the shots. I don't think I've ever done this blatantly before, but indirectly I think I've been out of my conscience for a few times. It's satisfying, but not healthy. However, there are times that you are really provoked. Ever since I've moved on to the second phase of my conscious life, I think I've only been this way and lashed out in a rage once, because my sister was acting in a way which resembled my father. As my other principles reminded me, I stopped 10 seconds in and apologised, but the feeling was difficult to fathom. But I have been provoked way too many times.
It is now do I realise, being a good person can't get you through in life. There is nearly nobody who is pure and divine. There is only EViL, and it is required to succeed, as many people before me have discovered. The EViL which restricts freedom and ambition, yet asks for it, restricts creativity and joy, yet thinks it inspires you, restricts anything for its own way of proceeding, and thus condemns into an endless amount of sarcastic hoaxing and innuendos. He who asks the questions that he doesn't even know himself; he who assumes his way is right and draws on your own argument to support his stand; the hypocrite who calls others hypocrites. Unto thy end the epitome of disgrace imposes his values which counter yours and downgrades your inferior ideas into the oblivion yet unknown.
I'm not pinpointing directly because I still have some respect left to salvage for myself. There is still no need to bring this up to another level, though I think that time might come distressfully soon. I'm just saying this, I know that I'm not the only one, and obviously I've thought from their point of views, but they still don't justify their actions. They think they know what they are doing very well, but in reality they just annihilated the essence of the family.
And that is where adults fail most of the time. Just because they are adults, they think their way is the right way. It is not proven, not viable to everyone, but they stick to it as stiffly as a stick. I thought they were correct too, until I realised how much fail I turned out to be. Languishing about the state of this stage in life, they still do not believe me.
But I am still tied to them, bound by chains of fate. It might just be these chains of fate which turns the other way round. There is no end to this tragedy, only sorrow. And sorrow will prevail when there is EViL in just the mind of one.
EViL is now my ally.