DiViNE EViL

Spammage of Touhou Piano

2010-11-10T23:11:00.004+08:00

So yeah. Despite knowing Touhou only earlier this year via a rather disturbing video, the music from the series is really addictive. I'm trying to play nearly 100 themes from about 7 different games in the series. Here's my playlist for those interested...

Well, who needs blogs anyway...

2010-07-24T00:32:00.002+08:00

...when there is Facebook.

Seriously, the time for blogs are over. People now prefer the shorter, more succinct and less cumbersome method of sharing their thoughts and experiences, via a short phrase, a series of messages, without having to sift through a wall of text like this one right here.

It has become a chore for some, and people just don't have enough time to read blogs anymore. Facebook is the way to go for instant updates, link sharing, and whatever not because whatever YOU do can be instantly seen by others, instead of them having to come to your page to see what's happening to you. And even so, Facebook can do what a blog can, and better.

And thus my purpose here is to justify my shift as well. As lazy as I am, as you all know, there is also no real aim to post here, as probably nobody comes here to read anymore anyway. The last update in that chat box there is last year. I will only return here, to reminisce in my ruined past, the truth about my history of decisions, and the downfall of wasted potential. Frankly, it's a history I don't really like to revisit. And thus, I leave my EViLness behind. There should be an annual retake of the World of EViL, but as for now, the old one still stands just as well.

Whatever is left behind doesn't mean it never existed. A forgotten past only yields greater sorrow when unanimously revisited. But the past will inevitably be left behind. And it is the present which takes us into the unknown future, defined by our own decisions. But sometimes, even the most perfect of decisions can be disrupted by a power. A negative power others harbour; what they unknowingly do to attempt to make themselves seem superior to others. A power that destroys more than create; which hurts more than it heals. A power that, if its revelation is subject to an individual which can manipulate its benefits, causes the human race to be enlightened. A power that, if only all of our kind would come into terms of realisation with it, will not solve all the problems that exist in this world, but actually prevent their appearance. This power that I have forsaken just to shed my deteriorating past.

The power of DiViNE EViL.

Random Thoughts Squeezed out from Boredom.

2010-05-22T21:38:00.000+08:00

From my Facebook notes because I am really lazy.

Because I have nothing else to do while actually standing-in for somebody else's duty for over 6 hours, and I've gotten absolutely sick of Bejeweled Blitz that I've hit 300k about 20 times today already, that I decided to go back and think about what I actually want to do, and that is, produce music.

Armed with only a facebook-accessing computer (because the speed it loads youtube videos is approximately equivalent to the speed of my progress in life right now), what I have left to do I just to force these thoughts to be expressed. Since usually I am so lazy, and that I can probably spend some time sleeping rather than typing, I've decided that with some effort I can actually correct some misconceptions of my own musical interpretations.

It has been four months since I discovered Touhou inadvertently and, as it has always been, a new source of influx of a new style of music has it stuck in my head. Even though the tracks are pretty midi-like, I am quite amazed that, for the work of one person, he can associate a unique piece, yet a rather simple sequence of notes, to a certain character of certain behaviour and values. And that's for over sixty characters I know. Not to mention nearly every of those characters have their own 'stage' theme, which, rather than representing a body or a physical presence, represents a location, scenario, or situation. The style is rather rudimentary, but it grew on me pretty fast. At first some of the tracks sound like a random mixture of notes, but soon they seem to follow a certain recognisable pattern. Additionally, through the process of attempting to play them on the piano, I find that ZUN (the composer/programmer of the Touhou Project) just likes to transpose as he wishes, no matter how sudden it may be. Additionally, nearly all of his themes are in keys with numerous sharps and flats (which incidentally, transpose into keys with even more sharps and flats).

Also intriguing is that how many different unrelated circles actually take Touhou music and remix them. You can virtually find any sort of remix of any of the 60-80+ character themes that is in any type of imaginable style. I've heard rock, vocals (though I've never really been a true fan of vocal music), techno, solo piano arrangements, and even hip-hop (makes me go wtf). It goes to show that there's indeed some sort of addictive basic melody that establishes all these remixes.

It's actually a unique style, that, though it intrigues me to a certain extent, does not warrant the actual desire for me to imitate it. I still appreciate Classical music, of course, and the general musical structure of Queen's songs, but this is sort of a completely new style, isolated from the rest, that's decent as well (don't know about your own opinions). It's a type of music that, when I hear something like it, I'll declare it's ZUN-style (or Touhou-style). The thing about Touhou that attracts me the most is not the characters, not the actual game, but the music, which I accidently came across on YouTube. But believe me, you don't want to see which video I actually encountered. There's a lot that I had to filter through and clean my brains to extract the virtues of what I've come across. But I think I'm starting to move on again. When I lose all the hype of Touhou music, the time to compose will return, as there would no longer be any more distractions again, and hopefully inspiration of new content shall arrive. And then, I shall compose theme music for...whoever I can think of that I know.

Just maybe.

Of Trees and Isolation

2010-04-25T12:30:00.002+08:00

The weather is turning bad lately. Usually I won't do posts on events but okay, this might be a bit out of the normal to actually irk my interest a little.

The strength of winds walloping our tiny country has been increasing over the years. I admit, I've been unwilling to accept this fact. Throughout these years, the winds have increased their ability from breaking tree branches to uprooting whole trees. In fact, the winds fell at least four trees on one single stretch of road (and a main road at that) on Friday, completely causing chaos to traffic and one tree actually blocked all four lanes of both directions. It was an interesting scene to watch, though, as people were frantically attempting to saw apart the fallen branches blocking the road. However it didn't really help that I had to behold the scene from a packed bus which had me standing for over an hour and a half carrying my really full bag on the verge of exploding.

Another event was that of meeting my secondary school friends after probably about four years not seeing each other. There is a different feeling I can feel when I'm with them, that of 'the JC feeling'. Except that I'm inferior and pretty out of the loop. I don't know if I'm getting the vibe of their professionalism or confidence, but I feel that they are the people with reliable futures...while I am still pondering over my own.

Ah oh well. This is for my own reference anyway. I'm still going to play piano, though for the number of years I've been playing I should have been better. Well I think it doesn't matter, as long as I still try to improve.

Sometimes the most primitive of thinkings prevail through obliviousness.

Blink of an Eye

2010-04-11T01:29:00.002+08:00

Time sure passes fast. It's now April, without me noticing. I've even missed a post for March, even though I did type something on Facebook but then again I'm too lazy to even copypaste it here.

What I have to say is that it's sure hard to multitask. Even within piano itself it is hard to play all I want and need. Pieces that I like to play myself, and pieces that I have to play for the preparation of the diploma, and pieces that my father wants me to play. Add to that having to learn the Bass Guitar, which I'm slowly dropping away from, and driving, which I had put on hold, and retaking 'A' levels, which I haven't even started yet. Perhaps it has to do with the fact I sleep too much on weekends. If only on weekdays I didn't have to do so much and think so much in order to have a peaceful work life.

If only my weekdays didn't pass aimlessly...but this is the unintelligent fact that bothers the working adults. They are commited to one routine, and have nothing else to think of. However, for us serving temporarily, we should not be induced into these permanent attitudes of work. It will, instead, hinder us in our development in our own strategic advantages. Such is the disappointment that befalls the development in human characteristics. Additionally, it exposes us to the politics and corruption within an organisation that can happen. Though this might be advantageous if we manage to learn from their mistakes, otherwise becoming absorbed into their lifestyle alters our thinking and interrupts our continuity.

That said, I can do nothing now but make use of those weekends.

Convergence

2010-02-28T13:30:00.000+08:00

Just a few hours ago, I had four MSN message windows open at the same time, belonging to the four major groups of people I've known. One, is my neighbour and his friends. Two, my secondary school friend. Three, My JC friend, and lastly, my Army friends (or comrades/colleagues/whatever). And I didn't start any of these conversations. I just found it pretty coincidential, if you can call that, but it certainly gives you a feeling of history and the passing of time through the phases of your life.

Now for reasons I prefer not to state is a controversial stage in life. But I guess it's a situation we all have to deal with someday. It depends how we cope with it. And events such as these require more energy from our subconsciousness to maintain our personal relations with others. To suddenly open our eyes into the wide bright light is difficult and painful. But even we will soon get used to it.

And two months of this new year has passed. Only a fraction remains before it is all over.

Procession

2010-01-14T22:37:00.002+08:00

I am of the '89 batch, though born in December. And so it would just be fulfilling to match the achievements of those in the '89 batch, and this is the chance now, though events that have already transpired cannot be reverted.

Most of the people I know are from the '89 batch and the '90 batch, because I dropped half year out of polytechnic, and idled the other half away. For those of the '89 batch, most of them are ORD-ing, or have already ORD-ed. In a way, it's a good thing to see them ORD, because I can collect a sample of examples of what they are doing after their NS life. Everybody is waiting for their NS life to end, but when it really arrives, their life ends in a cliff. Some of them already have the bridge laid out for them, while others frantically look for materials to gather to build one. Right now, I'm running out of these materials. Usually these materials are gathered even before NS life, as in, 'A'-level results. Now stuck on a one-way path, I have come to need to understand the pain that I have suffered before. The pain that I have ceased to suffer since the last year of glory, 2005. The last year of my secondary school. Since then I have been a shadow of my former self in terms of intelligence. I can feel it still there, pulsing, but unable to truly operate freely. I cannot take the hardship needed to unlock this but I require it much so.

And this is where discipline comes in. The truth is I haven't had discipline in a long time now, and it deteriorates my dwindling intellect. But there is a chance now. For those in the '90 batch, which I am now an accomplice of, they still have one year of NS life to go. This year, is the year that I have to capitalize. To ignore external factors if possible. And if I succeed, the momentum will return once more, and the new decade will be full of possibilities.

The prospect now looks promising. This laziness must end. For those that are all half-assed in NS right now, and I do know some, we have to squeeze out as much time as possible and make your work an actual relief from NS life. As much as I loathed studying before, I miss it when you actually don't do it anymore. But I know if I pick it up again, I will come to dislike it again. But this is the test which determines our strength. And by passing the test reaps rewards. And by then there will be no worries. Opportunities will cascade freely and the way forward is branched into many simple yet profitable paths.

People always ask me what I want to do in future. I have no real answer for this all the time because I dare not confirm that realism that exists. Only when you are close enough will you confirm your goal. But now I know that this is not the case for success. You have to confirm your goal and perform any means to proceed towards it. And along the way you have to make sacrifices to your other goals. But you can return to those later after you have accomplished your main one, as you won't turn out to be half-assed.

Until the progress starts again may I come here to update. Not really sure of my proceedings from here, but I have clear goals in mind now. Though short-term, but they are still critically needed. And unless you can strongly convince me otherwise, I will not waver from this decision.

Embrace the beneficial suffering.

Another year, but a different one.

2010-01-11T20:00:00.002+08:00

It has to be. Since familiarising myself with the NS environment, and due to the fact that I am in the 'slacker' second year of my NS life, I am going to attempt to learn all those things I wanted, and in some cases, needed to. Catching up three (or four) wasted years isn't that easy, and salvaging the separated pieces of them and piecing them together again should be the main target of this year.

First I must re-establish my last year goals.

-Compose at least one piece for piano
-Compose at least one piece for band/orchestra
-Learn to drive
-Obtain Piano ATCL diploma
-Perfect La Campenlla

These are the priorities that I hope to accomplish first. Then there are those that are neither here nor there, but fit in there somewhere:

-Learn to play Electric Bass
-Compose one contemporary rock/pop song
-Re-take 'A' Levels

Now I know that crossing musical genres is pretty controversial and, as much as I know, unexplored. I don't know how it would turn out, but it would probably not appeal to both sides (the pop side and classical side). However, in the end, it is my interest. Being brought up through the classical side, I have some music basics which will help me through here.

But time is running out for me now. I will see if I am able to fit all this into a sensible schedule and until then, we shall see if I fail yet again.

For failure is better than being idle.

Pain in Solitude.

2009-12-31T17:42:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I have to ask myself am I that easily forgotten. Indeed, I did want to be forgotten in the past, and I partly regret it. I was content in being alone. But we all know how difficult the pain of solitude is to fathom. But the new decade is arriving, and we are forced to look only in one direction, with those looking the other lost in the past.

And so I leave the old one behind. The new decade is, for a fact, much more different than the last. My power only propelled me halfway through, till 2005, and it all went downhill from there. Is there any way now to restart the engine? There must be.

Looking back at the so called goals I planned on the first day this year, I can say I didn't really achieve much. Let us recapitulate:

-Compose at least one piece for piano (Progress: 20%)

I attempted, but that attempt only arrived in the second half of the year. And then I was better off reading books about composers and pianists rather than composing myself. Still some knowledge gained, but in the aspect of original material, not much progress was made.

-Stop being a semi-wuss (Progress: 50%)

This was probably the thing that I was thinking of the whole year. I have been reduced form semi-wuss to quarter-wuss. I think it's a good improvement, however I still need more control over certain situations that I still need to handle.

-Compose at least one piece for band/orchestra (Progress: 0%)

Obviously if I can't do one for piano I can't do one for band, much less orchestra. Didn't really progress much in terms of music diversity this year, I must say.

-Learn to Drive (Progress: 10%)

So far, still doing theory lessons but it is quite hard to find time for this. I have to squeeze lessons at night...which so far I haven't done yet. All I did was go for a couple during my leave.

-Obtain Piano ATCL diploma (Progress: 30%)

By resuming lessons, I've been building up a repetoire again, but I still feel noobish, and stuck at an invisible level between Grade 8 and Diploma. Why is this so...

-Attend Nightclasses to learn something Optional (Progress: 0%)

I'm not given stay-out in my camp, so this is to be ruled out.

-Positively determining to do something (Progress:?)

I'm really confused in this one. I do think, however, that given the path that I am supposed to follow, I'm still clueless in many aspects. Oh well.

-Perfect La Campenella (Progress: 60%)

At least I have to play this at least once every time I touch a piano. I'm still not getting tired of it, and now only the harder parts elude me. Screw those repeating notes, mega-far jumps and left-hand arpeggio octaves...

I have to say, every year, my resolutions will look the same. With all of the above fulfilled, I would have fulfilled myself. Indeed it is difficult to start, but once the momentum rises, they can all proceed in unison.

And may that force be generated from the unknown of the new decade.

Anniversary of my Existence.

2009-12-14T19:37:00.003+08:00

I feel like I should actually type something meaningful here, on the anniversary of my existence, but once again my ideas have run dry. All I know is the end of the year is arriving and though I have changed slightly throughout, I don't think there is any clear-cut gains in my abilities with regards with my age no longer starting with the digit 1.

It will be the next 10 years, which would probably be the most eventful, and after that would just be what a boring adult's life would be. Everyone knows that usually the peak of somebody's life is at their twenties. However, don't use this against people. Thinking that all 20 year olds, with their godly long period of time of knowledge and experience, and asking them to do everything is apparently incorrect. Not all so-called 'grown-ups' have the thinking you traditional upper-generations have. And don't get me started on kids nowadays.

So, what is wrong with all these people? Usually, in real life, the people that are close to me that I meet are generally good-natured, and not particularly out of their minds. However, through the apparent anonymousity that the Internet provides, people can be totally out of their way showing disrepect to others. Incessant insulting, sarcasm and cockiness amount to tensions over the Internet that cannot be solved because in reality, the people cannot even see each other. They cannot lodge a complaint because they don't even know who you are. But for the older generation know-it-alls, they can take a step further, into the real life. They can throw sarcastic comments at you, using body language to show disgust or disrespect, or even deliberately manipulate their tone of voice to irritate us, to show that since they are older, they automatically gain knowledge with time, and can show off their 'cleverness' in the face of us. When we disagree with you, we obviously have our reasons, not like what you think of us all the time, deliberately countering what you tell us. Do you think we really have so much time to elaborately plan and execute methods to irritate your oversized conscience? The answer is no, so stop your wishful thinkings and actually respect our ideas. Mark my words, I have had this type of feeling before, automatically marking somebody younger or less experienced than me as one not worth respecting. But I don't directly or even inadvertently disrespect these people. Their ideas can be surprisingly successful, only if you give them a chance in the first place. But seldom do they get a chance. All because the overconfidence and mindset of the 'elders'.

So before you criticize me, think about those people you detest. Are they worth hating? What are the reasons for doing so? Seldom has a person persistently annoyed me to no end with malicious intent. And even if they do, think what caused this intent. If it started with yourself, you have only yourself to blame. Another EViL aspect of humans that has risen with the process of time.

There is no limit for respect.

Divided Stance

2009-12-05T00:04:00.004+08:00

Yes, my room is getting divided into half.

Honestly, only half was mine in the first place, since the other half belonged to my sister, but she stays in the guest room, which is about twice the size of my room, and she sleeps on a queen-sized bed by herself. But it didn't matter much to me anyway, except now there is a partition.

In order for the construction to commence we had to unearth all the trash that has accumulated in the room for about 10 years. They ranged from many soft toys that I have never seen before to primary four exercise books. Since most of them are useless to me now, we either disposed of them or gave them to other people. Except my Legos. Don't touch my Legos, even though I no longer touch them. Of course, some things are kept for memory purposes. Like those maps that I drew, the exercise books that were used for my pen-and-paper RPG, EViL Encounter. I would have continued had not my brain juices were sucked dry by LS during his 'exploits' in EE3 and EE4.

Talking about RPGs, there hasn't been a decent one for...months now. No longer do we have those that have a deep storyline and intricate levelling system. No longer do we have those enjoyable multiplayer adventures. Now everything is about graphics, graphics. Too over-emphasized. Even the great great graphics now bore me when I try to pick up a game on say, the PS3. I'd take any PS2 game over it anyday. Being too elaborate on visualisation removes the space for development on what a game is supposed to provide. Fun and enjoyment. Not awe. In those days, I had always wanted a PS1, or a PS2. Now I don't think I'd even take a PS3 if you gave it to me free (unless I could sell it off immediately). My neighbour used to spend their days endlessly on PS1 and PS2 instead of the computer. Now their Wii and Xbox360 gather dust. And I can see why. I tried playing some games on them, which bored the hell out of me. What happened to the old concepts? As a series or franchise tries to revive its popularity over time, it degrades. I don't know why. We shall all take the infamous Crash Team Racing as an example. An excellent game for the PS1. Multiplayer compatibility. Decent graphics and addictive music. So what happened to their sequels? I don't know, though I have not played CNK but reviews are generally quite poor. CTTR was a nightmare and I couldn't wait to put it down. Is it that hard to think what gamers want to play and provide them with that? Azure dreams is a great PS1 game, though largely unknown by many. However, its simple concept has not been reproduced anywhere, ever (though a fail NDS sequel exists). It is a game now, that I still in this day and time play once every year or so, complete it, get sick of it, and return to start a new file next year.

But I guess this form of entertainment develops. It is progressing into a more visual-based project for some, and I don't think that's the way to go. Though a necessity, developing on that is probably going to waste effort more than anything. Perhaps in the future a new form of entertainment appears which will absorb our interests fully into its attention. But until then, I guess I'm returning to what it was.

And so, divided I rest.

An Event.

2009-11-13T14:29:00.003+08:00

Today was another boring day, another out-of-camp park run for our unit, like we sometimes do on Fridays. Minus the fact that we apparently saw a corpse.

It was nothing shocking, really. The day for us started at 0415, due to the fact we had to prepare for the run which was in Pasir Ris Park, and so far away from our camp. When we reached there it was about 0600 and us being the unfit or 'disabled' were to be marshallers spread throughout the running route. We set off, first towards the mangrove swamp, which was pitch-black due to the absence of lights there. Not to mention we were pushing a trolley filled with bulky items through the darkness, trying to prevent the edge of the table on the trolley from rebounding off the handrails. When we were through to the other side, all of the rest were deployed except for the two of us, excluding the sergeant deploying us (who was on a bicycle). This was when an old guy on a bicycle cycled towards us and told the sergeant that somebody had apprently hanged himself deeper in the park on the path perpendicular to the one we were travelling on. The sergeant followed him and when he returned, he had a call and was told that the route of the run was being changed due to rain. In the end, the deployed people were regrouped, and we still had to walk by the path at which the person was hanged to our new destination.

It was not as you would expect a person to hang himself. Leaning against a tree near the side of the path, a person, probably in his 40s, immobile. I didn't take a closer look because you probably wouldn't want to take a closer look in that situation. But you'd expect a person hanging himself to be dangling. In fact, to me, in that one glance that I captured the scene, he looked strangely unreal. I heard from the others who were there that his hands were tied as well, held behind his back. Also, until somebody mentioned it, I didn't notice that it was Friday the thirteenth.

From there the day continued normally. I quickly forgot about that incident after stoning around watching people run by for about three hours. We didn't return to that spot, so we did not see what the police did there.

I would have thought the impression on this incident was decent, but I already seem to be forgetting this small spark of interest in a mundane routine of work. Perhaps the interest in me to these type of events are minute at most. Still, it's worth typing here in a 'event' post rather than a 'thoughts/opinion' post.

In which something different can actually affect you in a beneficial manner.

Back to old ways.

2009-11-03T18:32:00.002+08:00

So I'm going to take lessons from my old piano teacher again. This time the purpose is to apply for something more difficult than obtaining a diploma. To me this seems impossible. Unfortunately the persistence of my father means I have to at least attempt this. Now that my mini break from work is coming, it is time I have actually done something to consolidate my interests.

It is alright if you do not appreciate my work because it is for a different audience, but please don't say that I'm wasting my time. I am learning, however not related to anything directly, but this knowledge is useful is some ways that you would never expect. Support my back and I will grant you respect in return, though everybody starts with a decent amount of respect from me. I carry no prejudices. The only way I would, is for you to lose my respect, time and time again.

But now, it's back to the old days for me. Sticking with the same piano teacher since I was just Grade 2. It's thanks to her that I have such a wonderful skill to exhibit (though I'm just not a performer). If I succeed in this next manoeuver, I owe my life to her...

The idea of music has purified me once again.

Be free.

2009-11-02T02:51:00.004+08:00

It's not as unusual as I thought when I'm asked to share about my apparent unique character. It's not specifically outstanding when I say I'm partly different, but as I share and absorb the experiences of others, they suspect the high requirements from my family have something to do with it.

I do not deny, that the character and principles of my father have perturbed my thoughts and shunned the opportunities that I could have taken advantage of. More often than not, our extreme differences clash and friction generates between our ideas. Being the senior, he of course takes no hesitation to implant his values into me and hopes that I conform. But judging from how I see others, this pressure has actually generated a reverse effect, something that I am ashamed of, unable to change even as I try. And don't get me started when I actually try. Trying is not something that requires full effort, that is conforming.

I've had somebody tell me he was not satisfied with his own character, knowing his faults, but unable to change them. Characteristics driven by instinct are not easy to change. Easier said than done. He told me that, in the highly monitored past that we had gone through by our elders, it has actually restricted some parts of our development. Many people, like him, are grounded for a punishment. I actually stayed at home so much that I was chased out of the house. And then you know, people who actually care too much about you do you harm.

Being less restriced, free and loose, allowed the others to learn their own mistakes at their own accord, unafraid to be subjected by rejection of their closest members. For those who were caned for every tiny mistake they made, they grew up either being geniuses or the banes of life. Either way, not normal. A forced genius is more dangerous than a normal human being. A genius is born a genius. A person not, but forced to be one, is subject to tremendous pressure. On rare occasions they exceed their limit in the form of an outburst, causing situational but heavy mental and emotional damage to the individual as well as their family. Those who manage to subdue this pressure, usually, even if they succeed, are distinctively marked by other normal people by distinctive traits. Perhaps it could be extremist imaginations. Forceful demands. Solitary preference. With this knowledge it is extremely easy to identify the environment in which a person is brought up. They could even cause their own children to suffer as a chain reaction. And most of them, they don't realise it themselves, or even if they do, they know there's nothing they can do about it.

So let's be free. Things come naturally to you in a normal course of human life. As long as you do not indulge in something too useless, there is always hope to integrate yourself into the community. Do not be forced by others throughout your lifetime. No human being's emotional capacity can sustain such detrimental volume. Everything that you do grants you knowledge. Even if this knowledge is not related to your aspirations, it doesn't matter. This knowledge makes us free, unrestricted from a linear pathway of the progression of your life.

So, please, from now, allow my own path to unravel itself.

People looking for the Shadowraze map

2009-10-21T14:08:00.002+08:00

http://nevilinity2.blogspot.com

I touched my piano again.

2009-10-19T18:41:00.002+08:00

It was blissful. End of story.

Okay maybe not the end, but the touch and the feel of playing those pieces I should have accomplished few years back, have transported my mind and mental being into the past, the glorious days where I contemplated those pieces with ethereal sophistication. I sadly look at my position today and thought what it might have been, again. Facebook also added this nostalgic feeling of my solitary past and the unfortunate introvertic character I have always wanted to shrug off.

Now I have requests from people I know who are extremely close, and people I don't know at all. People requesting me to create notecharts for a certain song. People requesting me to make additions and changes to my Warcraft map. Relatives requesting me to perform more popular music on piano. And myself requesting the power to do it all, and to play a decent La Campanella one of days. But I like what I'm doing. This requirement to keep those people happy, to fulfil both their requests and mine simultaneously, grants us the enjoyment that we need, despite not being a job worthy of income.

But that's what makes your life.

Links

2009-10-18T23:30:00.005+08:00

Shadowraze Wars v1.7c

http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?0mjhhjd5d5m

O2mania/DJ MAX- Nightmare

http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?3cjummjz1jd

Interesting.

2009-10-18T20:36:00.002+08:00

In these few months, instead of playing games, creating them are pretty fun. Especially when you will know people who appreciate them. I created a map for Warcraft III, Shadowraze Wars, early last year but it was full of bugs. A month or two back I dug it out again and improved on it. Taking suggestions from testers who didn't mind the bugs, I made this to be a stable decent minigame map. It's not that difficult really: learn to use the basic triggers in the editor, then search how to use functions on various websites. It was tiring sometimes but worth the effort. Note: Shadowraze Wars v1.8 is not created by me

Then I created several notecharts for the now-defunct O2jam, but its O2mania emulator is useful. By incorporating DJ max songs into the emulator, I constructed several notecharts (some are just for visuals, and probably impossible to play). Even though this hasn't spread yet, the important thing is that I satisfy my own goal of accomplishing the full rhythm and beat of the song.

In these weeks to come, I might just continue on this. It's amazing you can do all this all at home using one machine. But soon things have to move on. Next year shall be crucial yet again. Then I won't stop you all asking me where I'm going after my National Service. It has to be decided then.

The future is yet to arrive.

Deserted and Mundane

2009-09-20T20:28:00.003+08:00

Nothing's been interesting at all. Time is passing without aim. I'm sitting here doing the same thing week after week. And there's still a year to go.

Hopefully I will be doing something different and interesting next year. I probably have to. It's another year wasted and this should not go on. In fact, I think I'm deteriorating. I feel my command of the English language has deproved, and there are many instances that I find I cannot look for the exact word I'm trying to mean. Just like now.

For the sake of showing I'm still alive, I would still post here every month, if I remember.

To hell with routine.

Five consecutive meals of...

2009-08-10T18:42:00.000+08:00

Fast Food. Isn't good. Isn't healthy. But well, in 'dire' circumstances, fast is as fast gets.

Friday dinner: Pizza Hut (technically like 1/4 of a pizza)
Saturday Breakfast: Bacon (okay this doesn't count)
Saturday Lunch: Pizzas + Sausage
Saturday Dinner: Burger King
Sunday Breakfast: McDonalds
Sunday Lunch/'snack': Burger King yet again
Sunday Dinner: KFC

Oh wait...that's more than five. Good thing I had porridge this morning, I was farting the smell of fastfood last night. The sight of this schedule is...undoing me.

I heard some days ago Facebook and Twitter went down for a while and many people got 'isolated'. I do think that this constant desperate longing of people nowadays to share whatever they are thinking of or doing is pretty ridiculous. Like, do you really have to tell people that what you're thinking of even though that's what you do every day? There's a reason why an unimaginative mind like mine can only update his blog on average twice per month. It's because unless something exceptionally extravagant happens, talking about it on the internet is not the first thing that comes to my mind. Heck, even if something that doesn't happen everyday occurs, it usually happens when I'm far far away from a computer. Even when I'm using the computer, blogging isn't the first thing which could come into my mind.

Well, I've run out of ideas again. Looks like this place is really going to the dumps.

Interact more.

Celebration of EViL.

2009-07-12T19:00:00.002+08:00

Another year and another different viewpoint on the principles of EViL. The power that is to be harnessed instead of rebuked; the power that is to be assimilated instead of repelling it. It has been about three years since my last days of glory, and this is the rejuvenation of the creed of EViL, in an attempt to restore the rightfulness in my life.

Add-on: After reviewing my previous version, I have seen that it's a version I'm nearly satisfied with. Editions with it in future should be minute.

Original posted on: Sunday, July 10, 2005
Version 2: Thursday, July 20, 2006
Version 3: Thursday, July 12, 2007
Version 4: Saturday, July 12, 2008
Version 5: Sunday, July 12, 2009

Good Evening.

I am JLam, also known as Nevilinity, Aceildus, Holeyhell, GrowTrees...the list goes on. It is the darkness of anonymity concealing the truth behind...which exposes the weakeness in what you are up against.

I live in a world full of EViL. People who do not understand the virtue of patience, humility, creativity, unselfishness, optimism, flexibility and the ability to tolerate anger. The weaknesses of what we call intelligent beings who dominate the Earth, who in fact mostly do not acknowledge the benefits of kindness that is forgiveness. The weakness of acting based on a surge of emotions. Nobody can understand why people act by instinct, how stubborn characteristics change their acts, other's decisions, and the future, why people do not realize the joy of life. Nobody knows if your knowledge carries over to your afterlife because it won't affect it. Nobody can control the darkness of people, the anticipation of the sudden happening of natural events. Nobody can predict how the fairness of judgement and luck can fall upon people and change their character, lives, and future for others, for better or worse.

Such is the power of DiViNE EViL.

And to merge with that power shall the one dominate.

New Adaptations

2009-07-08T21:04:00.002+08:00

So I've got a new keyboard to bring into camp so that I can practice on it even on weekdays. Well, more than a keyboard. It's a synthesizer. I'm not sure how to use the synthesizer functions so I guess I'm going to take some lessons on how to use them. On the other hand I can teach piano basics to peeps in camp (hopefully).

However the arrival of the synthesizer was marred by some crappiness. First the screen was malfunctioning. At first, half of the screen on the synthesizer was slashed by numerous vertical lines. After a while the whole screen went blank. Then it happened that they sent the wrong cover for the keyboard, as it was too small. Not to mention I feel kind of ripped off by the keyboard stand, which cost a lot despite it being two large bars of steel.

Hopefully all this dedication results in an improvement in my vision to do anything, as now I'm still wandering about without a real aim when my national service ends. It's still a tough decision to make...and it seems that the things that worry me at work are now far far away...though I will come to face the reality again starting next week. It will be quite some time again before I revert back to the lifeless being; the embodiment of oblivion...

And if it doesn't work, my commitments are all for nothing.

And I will have disappointed even myself.

I forgot.

2009-06-26T21:22:00.002+08:00

I think, I had some interesting facts to share in the past two weeks, but those have already lay dead and forgotten. The only thing I look forward to now is a one-week break next week. Yes, something definitely happened. Perhaps it was too mundane to attempt to discuss it in a blog because I have a feeling now it won't fit. But nothing much is according to plan anyway.

It's probably the time that I don't have in the weekdays. It's pretty hectic now even when there isn't a lot of work to be done. Honestly, I'm liking this managing stores business, only if I had a better environment. It'd be something that I would spend my life on, with not many major troubles that can't be handled...idling what could have been away.

It's surprising my father actually improved our internet connection when the devices supposedly to use them are still old chunks of metal. It has really become scrap metal now, as the desktop can't even be switched on. Hope we will get something that won't bust out our brains when we are trying to check emails soon.

As for now, I'll wait for the last Monday before my break, then maybe I'll elaborate more. Not to mention the anniversary of EViL is arriving.

Sarcasm

2009-05-31T15:50:00.002+08:00

Screw that sarcastic tone of yours, because with all those deliberate giveaways of your feelings any idiot can tell you're not happy.

As I grow older and start to assimilate into the 'grown-up world', I find that there's nothing so grown-up, mature, or sensible as I thought it would be. It just so happened that I was brought up on the bright side of the spectrum, and that this bright side that I am forced to uphold and being restricted into, is an extremely narrow focus. I was brought up to become the best/better, and that method is to totally severe ties with the lower-class. No other reason would we save like mad just to live in a better place where our clothes, handphones and computers are five years off what others are using.

I've only ever had three handphones. First was a gift from my uncle many years ago, and it lasted me quite a while, even in the era where colour-screen phones were starting to run rampant. When I thought a camera phone would be useful, I asked for one, and I was given a second-hand phone for my birthday which required me to pay half the cost. It was ridiculous. Not only the camera was just for show due to the amount of dust clogged up at the lens, the screen wasn't even clear. And I was to act as if I owed my parents my word for being hardworking when all I got was a half-assed phone which I still had to pay half the cost. Ever since then I never asked for anything because it was predictably futile, not to mention it would backfire in my face when asked about my results, which weren't even bad then. It's not like we couldn't afford it, or had to save a fortune to acquire it, it's just that some people just don't think that this generation's needs and wants differ than those of their own generation, and repeatedly draw up comparisons between their apparent rise from lower class to the middle class to ensure that we stay here at their command.

I don't know what I ever did wrong. Looking back, I was raised as a wuss, encouraged by teachers to keep quiet, and basically never did anything that I didn't need to. Therefore in the outside world my principles are mistakenly conveyed to people that I am quite selfish. This is the reason I could never talk back to my parents; I never wanted, never intended to. But it's this reason I'm given that is my own weakness. I'm told that I should speak up more. Yet, they don't realise that we're better than much of the other people I know from our age because we actually give them VERY little family problems by not talking back. Afraid of them, we obey their direct commands; in our heart we yearn for that freedom. But when that freedom came, due to our over-restriction, we were unable to handle that freedom, and under more sarcastic remarks we merely had to withdraw back into the corners and do as we were told.

There was no real time of our lives we enjoyed ourselves as a family. Everything we did, we would rather do ourselves. The most we did was maybe play mahjong as a family. We were not brought up to understand what we wanted in life. We were brought up to follow orders. What we didn't like to do, we still did. Any inkling of being unhappy would result in an annyoning string of sarcastic persuasion or pretending that a failed activity is all our fault. Like how I just heard a sigh that is three times louder than any normal sigh. It's as if we were all obliged to be in their footsteps, as if we should be thanking them we apparently had such a sheltered childhood, as if we should be thanking them profusely for accepting a second-hand phone which I had to pay half the cost as a gift. I've heard a lot about people complaining about their parents but how I can't complain about mine is becauase they don't expose themselves directly by punishing you but they use their words and body actions to convey an invisible message to your irritance that plainly says 'you're in the wrong.'

There are always reasons why disobeyment occurs. One, is that there is no respect from the person issuing the order. Believe me, one of my firm principles is that I should always respect one who does not lose my respect. So far, only four people throughout my whole life I has lost my respect. Sadly, two of them are physically close to me. The next reason is deliberate disobeyment, to show that you actually have the power to call the shots. I don't think I've ever done this blatantly before, but indirectly I think I've been out of my conscience for a few times. It's satisfying, but not healthy. However, there are times that you are really provoked. Ever since I've moved on to the second phase of my conscious life, I think I've only been this way and lashed out in a rage once, because my sister was acting in a way which resembled my father. As my other principles reminded me, I stopped 10 seconds in and apologised, but the feeling was difficult to fathom. But I have been provoked way too many times.

It is now do I realise, being a good person can't get you through in life. There is nearly nobody who is pure and divine. There is only EViL, and it is required to succeed, as many people before me have discovered. The EViL which restricts freedom and ambition, yet asks for it, restricts creativity and joy, yet thinks it inspires you, restricts anything for its own way of proceeding, and thus condemns into an endless amount of sarcastic hoaxing and innuendos. He who asks the questions that he doesn't even know himself; he who assumes his way is right and draws on your own argument to support his stand; the hypocrite who calls others hypocrites. Unto thy end the epitome of disgrace imposes his values which counter yours and downgrades your inferior ideas into the oblivion yet unknown.

I'm not pinpointing directly because I still have some respect left to salvage for myself. There is still no need to bring this up to another level, though I think that time might come distressfully soon. I'm just saying this, I know that I'm not the only one, and obviously I've thought from their point of views, but they still don't justify their actions. They think they know what they are doing very well, but in reality they just annihilated the essence of the family.

And that is where adults fail most of the time. Just because they are adults, they think their way is the right way. It is not proven, not viable to everyone, but they stick to it as stiffly as a stick. I thought they were correct too, until I realised how much fail I turned out to be. Languishing about the state of this stage in life, they still do not believe me.

But I am still tied to them, bound by chains of fate. It might just be these chains of fate which turns the other way round. There is no end to this tragedy, only sorrow. And sorrow will prevail when there is EViL in just the mind of one.

EViL is now my ally.

Unsuitable Leader

2009-04-30T19:38:00.002+08:00

I can't do things myself and I don't think I can ever do, nor do I like it as well. I'd prefer to be the one supporting the leader, the right-hand man. Now, being alone is just going to put all my years of inexperience to the test right away. Obviously, it will fail.

After all is said and done, the days drone on as usual, emitting an aura of foreboding. Fortunately there is an end to this. However, that end is still quite far away, and even after that I'm unsure where to go. Or perhaps, I'm sure where I want to go but I'm unsure if I'm actually allowed in. And the pass that I have to earn to be allowed is restricted by the shackles that bind me these two years.

At least the ctrl-bug will not bother me evermore. With my new laptop, much to the neutrality of my father, I can do many more things without having the urge to shatter the computer onto the floor. I don't know how my father can ignore the fact my mother and sister are struggling with computers that take 5 minutes to start up, lock up on you, shut themselves down, self-disabling keyboards etc. The reason I don't let them use my computer is because my sister's sweaty palms have been known to damage keyboards, and my mother's obvliviousness to spam e-mail have seen virus infecting our old computers. I would otherwise allow them to use, if they are just checking something that won't take a long while.

I don't know if there are even enough memoriable events for me to post every month. The past four months have passed rapidly without progress. It is time for me to improve myself, ever so slowly.

The end shall unknowingly arrive, in sudden fashion.

Cut the laziness

2009-03-29T20:52:00.002+08:00

So now is the time that all levels have been stepped up. At work, a sudden increase in responsibility has seen me falter slightly, albeit with luck that I am given chances.

Additionally, I am finally getting into my stride by attempting teaching. I guess it didn't go too bad, though two hours straight kind of exhausted me...

I still have to improve my 'public relations', especially like meeting new people. I take way to long to assimilate into the character of others. I tend to scrutinize them too much before opening up, because of the lack of initiative.

Assessing of weaknesses...reducing their liability. Hopefully this turns out well.

Success would arrive at last.

Three dumb years

2009-03-20T23:16:00.002+08:00

It has been three years. Three painful years. Since the last time I have been truly absorbed in what I wanted to do. Now because I have gone the wrong way in these three years, even after changing the path once, I feel utterly stupid. Sigh. What could have been.

Did I not think of that earlier? I probably didn't. Somehow my blame is always aiming towards my father, but I can't do that all the time. But my reasoning here was that even though he keeps telling me I have the choice of studying what I want, he gives the impression, or hints at, his disapproval. Knowing the indecisiveness of my character that I was, I decided to take a stab at Polytechnic life. Turned out that I really passed the days in pain. So my mind turned back to the straight and true path which is A levels. Or so I thought. Why did I not think I could turn from the right-side path to the left? I went back on the rocky middle mainstream path. Now I find the left side path is obviously the one which suits me the most. Unfortunately it's over the mountains now and I will really have to climb the mountains to get back to it, or I would be stick in this mudhole.

The only thing I was thankful of my tertiary education life, other than the good times our class had, was the piano in the hall. Thanks to Tay Yi I have actually dared to play pieces of decent difficulty, if not I would be stuck in the mudhole not knowing even where to go. At least I still have decent contacts in the left lane, which might just be able to pull me back on track. Unfortunately I have already lost out quite a bit, and in this age, time is everything.

If I had not known earlier, I would be what I could have been. Now I have to find a way out of the mudhole first. Can I clamber out via somehow studying music during my two years serving national service? Can I escape via some other course which I can somehow miraculously enter in university? Or will I drown in this mudhole for eternity?

No, I don't think that time which I will be stuck will ever come. Absorption of the power of DiViNE EViL for the last resort. Out of my way, I've got a mountain to climb.

For now, the goal in my future has finally been defined.

Vulnerable

2009-03-15T19:58:00.002+08:00

And so arrived, the dusk as the scene. EViL stabbed me in the back and I collasped. Now I am lost in the abyss, searching for a sign of light.

It was so bad that my blog fell as well. It never opened for me for a few days. My phone line collapsed, and so did my internet. Left in the void, I shrunk to a corner and thought of what could have been.

And so, years after my last ever achievement I fell to a deeper hole. A lower level. No plan at all. Unable to produce evidence of substance, I have been eliminated from the academic knock-out stage. The path is blocked and I can rise no further. What's worse is that this can't be helped for another two years.

Even in my imagined worst situation could not my Chemistry Grade fall as low as that. I have put in twice the effort compared to Physics and it has just the same grade. I have put in ten times the effort compared to Mathematics and it is just one grade better. I came out feeling confident about it and it results in this. Until now, I still can't believe the apparent fact that has surfaced. My chemistry grade is too low and my mathematics grade, which I didn't really give a damn about, is too high. There has been some mistake somewhere somehow.

Now my confidence has dropped low again. My father is at it again, the conscience-sapper loafing around draining the confidence out of others. At camp, the tension has been quite high during the previous week. Friends and family no longer help, so only words will emerge. Even then, my internet, computer and blog can fail on me anytime.

The change is going against my principles. Very soon I will be unable to control them if this goes on. I feel much more ugre for an outburst to occur during the past few months. In this year, my back doesn't hurt, but very soon my mind will. The power of DiViNE EViL is sapping the values from within me. The feeling to be unaware and cold towards others is bliss. I felt this for the first time this Monday. The EViL rising within me. Against my will.

But soon I will realise that this power of EViL is required to face the outside world.

Out of place

2009-02-15T18:09:00.003+08:00

I feel too separated from the world after a while. Even if I do get to see it for two days a week, it just doesn't seem the same the last time I saw it. I didn't even recognise Lot 1's entrance after the construction was complete and considering that I didn't even know when it was completed, it's hardly a surprise.

Also feeling the heat is the use of language. Exposure to poor grammar begets poor grammar, and the lack of usage of words to write leaves me short on vocal vocabulary. Not to mention I don't feel exactly justifiable to my conscience to have much of the local community tuning into my channel.

Losing momentum on the piano is my biggest quirk. Every week I play La Campanella about four times, usually twice on Friday and Saturday. Now with my fingers weakening, I can't even accumulate the stamina to last through the whole piece. Additionally, I never really feel like playing any other pieces. I have an even harder time managing the Revolutionary Etude, and I can only manage a page or so of any other piece. However, I do think about it in camp. Once I was moving my right hand while idling to imitate the first jumping section of La Campanella, and somebody thought I was waving to him. He said 'hi', and I was relatively taken aback because firstly, I was not really concentrating on my surroundings and secondly, I was a relative stranger to him. Only did it dawn on me what I was doing did I think how this miscommunication actually happened.

The increasing trepidation had unexpectly and unwantedly returned. I feel the power of DiViNE EViL again. But now it is a test to my ethics. In this phase I hope to build my confidence, strengthen my will and express the panorama of the real vision and goal of my values. It is then for the receiving party to understand.

As for Tay Yi, I have been skimming through his recent posts and I see he is still adamant as ever towards his musical views (not that it's bad). As for his plea for assistance on his La Campanella, I think that taking a break from the piece or piano totally for two to three days could do some good but I'm not really that sure since his description is quite vague and I am unsure of his situation (haha). Well Tay Yi I didn't want to put this in here but you had no tagbox...

Yes I think I feel quite refreshed now. All I need is to take it easy. Add a new ethic: If the situation is not particularly stressful, or stressful only upon oneself, do not implant the stressfulness into others, but let them acknowledge your situation.

That is all for the week.

Hopeful Prospect

2009-01-30T21:34:00.002+08:00

I just had a two week course supposedly about learning the basics of being a storeman. Actually, I felt that I learnt less there compared to the week idling around the storeroom before the course itself.

Much of the course seemed ill-prepared, anyway. Most of the time only one instructor was available, and when he wanted to show us certain radio sets and stuff the only one group of the class, which was split into five or six groups, could go to the other room. This was rather tiresome for both the instructor and the trainees as the instructor had to explain the same thing numerous times and the trainees had to wait and do nothing for large periods of time. However, it was rather less stressful and boring as at least there were more people to mingle about.

Nothing much to discuss anyway, as life is still going as monotonous as ever. Even the piano can't really hype up the time that I can spend at home. Other than the futile attempts to perfect La Campanella, I have attempted that wretched Hungarian Rhapsody No.2. I could say I can barely play the second half of the piece, as there are a multitude of jumps that make La Campanella seem like a tireless piece.

However, there might at least be better prospects regarding my future in camp. For some reason I can't really put it in words, but let's just hope there is more meaning to it. At least, I think, I will be able to pick up a few skills that will prove useful when I am exposed to the outside world.

Ah, the outside world. The unprofessionalism that I detect surprises me. But that is for another time.

Tranquility is beckoning.

New Year Resolutions

2009-01-01T19:06:00.003+08:00

Hey, I'm actually doing these...

Anyway, I do wish to improve myself dramatically, now that I'm not attending full-time academic studies for two years. Starts next to the points seem to indicate my present willingness to commit to the resolution (More stars = less willing to = more difficult/improbable)

-Compose at least one piece of music for piano (*)
-Stop being a semi-wuss (**)
-Compose at least one piece of music for band/orchestra (***)
-Learn to Drive (****)
-Obtain Piano ATCL diploma (***)
-Attend Nightclasses to learn something optional (****)
-Positively determining/committing to something [depends on 'A'-level results] (*****)
-Perfect La Campanella (***)

The release of my 'A'-level results will certainly change my future quite a bit, but I'm not really looking forward to it. Over the duration of this year I will probably lament more about my sister whom I have been beginning to lose touch with due to lifestyle, attitude and character differences. And that's saying a lot.

I can hope, of course, that something crucial befalls my monotonous drone onwards to death. Perhaps a breakthrough or something. However I don't see that happening much while I'm in NS, so my hopes are for events that can actually improve my lifestyle even in NS. Not that it's even likely.

I just require the knowledge...concerning the power of DiViNE EViL that I can't feel. More imaginary than it is ever, though of this I will not touch on just yet.

Not just yet.

Return of the CTRL bug

2008-12-28T15:12:00.002+08:00

I haven't touched my laptop for a long time. Not like I really have anything much to do with it anyway, and the control button bug has returned to bug me. Well, I do admit that I was really kind of lazy the past week, in which I have been doing absolutely nothing even though I'm serving National Service (NS). Apparently my seniors are all taking leave during this period of time and there was no meaning to report to an empty unit.

Well, without needing to attend school next year, I certainly feel that something is missing. Like doing homework, perhaps. I do feel I'm going to miss some things during these two years, like getting cut off from the world for a while. However, due to my circumstances, it could be a good opportunity to learn something extra.

As a result of the recent events, this December seemed to pass extremely quick for me. My birthday felt like a normal day, as did Christmas Day. There are still many things I need to do, or want to do...but before I will fully realise it, I will be two years older.

So good luck to me and my tolerance for boredom. I will need it.

Suppression

2008-12-09T23:04:00.002+08:00

Now that examinations are finally over, albeit with some guilty aftereffects, one would expect the time to be less constrained on our schedules. Unfortunately, due to my enlistment date next Monday, my time is limited yet again. However, this time, it gives me much less to worry about.

It doesn't help that much of the past week was spent painting the house. My father always prefers to do these things by ourselves, including fixing the computer, fixing other electrical appliances, fixing doors and stuff...he would never hire somebody to do it if he could do it himself.

There is nothing much to painting, really, except that I was relieved that I didn't have to paint the ceiling. My father was complaining about neck pains after a few days. Also was the irritating fact that the previous layer kept peeling off if you didn't scrape it.

My few weeks break was otherwise littered with attempts to program something, which I successfully did in small scale. I also woke up very late every morning, uncharacteristic of my old self. Perhaps I found the irritants of my laptop becoming more intolerable, as somehow I didn't touch it for a week.

Oh and our Graduation Dinner was on the second of December, and the events which transpired very much followed what I expected it to, except that I didn't play bridge. I wore nearly the same as I did at my cousin's wedding last year, except that I had an additional blazer this time, actually acquired during that event in question from my uncle.

So this would probably be my last post before I get enlisted. I'm still hoping my piano skills won't die on me, as I hope to take my diploma as soon as possible, if time permits. Very likely, it won't. Anyway, I need to change my playing style. I have found my own weakness which has been developing and thus restricting some of my finger's movements. Also, I still have flat fingers sometimes...

And with another monotonous note, I end another year. Not yet, really. But I actually want to stay in this time period for a longer time. Hopefully, luck can pull me out of this one again.

But even that can abandon your cause.

Chemical Sucker Punch

2008-11-22T17:43:00.002+08:00

I thought we all saw it coming, but we didn't predict it to be this bad.

Yes, I am lamenting over papers that have been over for more than a week now, but after returning to my slackish mood and reluctance to post I decided to refresh this place a little bit. The Chemistry Papers 2 and 3 were simple, or supposedly 'A-level' standard. But the Paper 1 was outright jagged, to kill us. Not to mention panicking over 40 not-so-simple questions in 1 hour made us frantically bring in the dice for multiple choice. Now that's over I would like to forget about the whole ordeal.

The day after my last paper I went to VCH with my piano teacher to watch the imbaguy Adam Gyorgy (think I may have mentioned him in my posts before). There were many things I learnt, and the first was than 'Gyorgy' was pronounced 'Gerj' or something similar. Second was that he was a big guy with really big hands. Third I learnt that he is an imbaguy on the piano - wait I already knew that so that doesn't qualify as 'learning'. He played many well-known pieces, many from his usual repetoire. Naturally Tay Yi went there specially for his La Campanella. Something weird was that he didn't speak throughout the concert, which lasted slightly more than one hour without intervals. At first I thought he couldn't speak English but he did when I went to get his autograph >_>. I shook his imbahand and had a poster with his signature on it lol. Yes it's not usual for me to do this but I think I'm only into pianists or musicians.

After that day I did nearly nothing at home everyday and lay to rot. Somehow I don't feel rottish although a bit of boredom is starting to creep in. Not that it will stay like this for long though, my enlistment date is less than a month away.

And very soon, sometime later, after this place will be clogged with dust, shall there be a revelation: the EViLness did linger around after all.

When you get outsmarted by an examination paper

2008-11-10T19:25:00.005+08:00

Of course, how they would want to set it is all up to them. Other than a few guidelines which determine the outline of the papers set, they can freely introduce some heck of a question to turn your brains upside-down.

It's fun, yeah. Not so fun if you actually set questions, or the lack thereof, which are a major part of the syllabus. For those who know, it's the Physics paper.

I didn't go too well with the Paper 3, with me blanking out much of the time after staring at the first question. In the end I think it wasn't too bad, except that I rushed through many parts and was not able to check the paper or even estimate how much I would get. Of course, after that, everyone would predict questions for Paper 2. What didn't come out in Paper 3 must come out in 2, since 1 consists of Multiple Choice Questions (MCQ) which not only should test every topic, thus allocating no more than 3 or 4 marks on a topic, but also test the topics to a lesser depth.

At the end of the Paper 2, however, one question was on most people's lips: Where's Quantum Physics? It is such a large chapter, it's divided into three parts in our notes. And yet, not a trace of it was found in the two main papers.

But wait! That's not all. Along with the disappearing act was Measurements, Motion in a Circle and Lasers! There was also minimal Magnetic Field questions which only appeared as a small part in Paper 3. In fact, now that I think of it, what did they test again?

The content value is so miniscule it's laughable. I could have no clue about Motion in a Circle, Measurements, Lasers, Quantum Physics and Magnetic Fields and yet do equally as well in this paper. In fact, I could do better, seeing how my eagerness to use Motion in a Circle formulae interfered with Gravitational Field-themed questions.

Unless 20 marks worth of questions on Quantum Physics appears in Paper 1, which is absolutely bizzare, I don't see how this examination paper actually justtified the syllabus. But, oh, they can set the paper however they want. And that's the problem with condemning the weaker students further into their doom.

I've never been good at academics but you will have to take as many tips as you have picked up. The point in preparing for examinations is based on previous examinations. They set a standard type of question? There's a way for doing it. But when they don't, and set a newfangled artistic hullabaloo tragic excuse for a question there are two ways a candidate can handle it.

Obviously nothing much troubles a candidate with strong knowledge of the subject. They use formulae from the dark side of the moon to combine with concepts from the core of the Earth to form your grand solution. But for those who are just barely hanging in, they depend their life and soul on questions that they have grinded through the years. And yet a mouse trap springs into their face and they have no choice but to squeeze out the formulae that are somehow linked via the furthest way possible and throw it in.

Yes we need to detect the difference but this sorts of overdoes it. With the addition of the cursed bell curve, once you do not fully understand the subject, you will almost never get an A grade. The despicable truth, which makes it seem so near yet so far.

All your practice is based on what was already set. What they are going to set can be different. And different it was, I can probably point out the person who set this paper in a street. The guy drunk on the floor. Probably he is also obsessed with graphs, given the multitude of them in the paper. I swear I came out of the examination hall not seeing stars but boxes.

After this rant I would just have to return and hope my Chemistry paper doesn't screw me over as badly. Unlike Physics, I actually have more understanding for Chemistry. Unfortunately my not-so-super memory sees me stumble over the 'conditions' questions in the Organic Chemistry section.

As much as I would like this to be over and done with, it would return and haunt me next year. I don't forsee a pleasant certificate, even with my low standards. I've been thinking over what somebody told me. Education is not for our benefit, it is for the government. Very obviously so, though they attempt to gradually conceal it by bringing in CCAs, a mixture of Arts subjects etc. through the years.

We are not fools. But we still get fooled.

Failure to detect success

2008-11-02T23:15:00.002+08:00

Good Evening.

The day is tomorrow.

For my 'O' level examinations, even though I had done fairly badly for my secondary school results, I felt pretty confident when taking the examinations because I knew I had the ability. Now though, I feel that my luck is running out.

Nobody comes here anymore...and I don't think I would like anyone to for the time being. For when I am released, the pain is still bleached into the black background of this wall. This, I believe, is meant for myself to remember my own pain in future. As for the future, you will probably no longer see posts like this.

Bleakness fills the void under the cranium. I also have to prevent being distracted from my not-so-approved-attitude of my sister. No time to elaborate on that at this instant.

Defect into the darkness and exhume its power.

The last resort to revive the power of DiViNE EViL which will haunt me again.

Disruptive Notions

2008-10-22T12:31:00.002+08:00

Somehow I went to sleep at 0400 in the past two days (or nights, or early-mornings). I somehow can't seem to sleep. Anyway, the dreaded examinations are less than two weeks away, and I'm still not prepared for two subjects. But I would actually not think about them now.

I have nothing much to talk about anyway, since everyday is about studying, sleeping, eating, stoning, and studying again. It's a cycle that makes me psycho. Not so fun in any aspect, though most of the time goes to 'stoning'.

Enlistment date is 15 December, one day after my birthday. Hm. I don't know how to prepare for NS (National Service) anyway. I'm in PES (Physical Employment Standard) E, by the way, because of my leg 'deformity'. Actually, the greatest cause of my disablement is my back now, and this is definitely not good news. My lower spine hurt since January, sometimes so bad that I have to stagger to move. I feel pain when I sneeze, which is unfortunately often. But enough lamenting about this; I have gotten used to it and in particulary good spells I can play some sports. I can't run though; and this has been troubling me the most (failing to chase after buses etc.).

Very soon, examinations will be over. And very likely, before that, I will not make another post. Even after the examinations, I might just be too lazy to post anyway.

Now not the power of DiViNE EViL opposes my cause, but the state of Nevilinity.

Self-Annoyance and Conscience-Killing

2008-09-27T22:13:00.004+08:00

Ah so I received my 'transparent reflections' which I previously typed, painstakingly edited by whoever unfortunate enough to waste his time. I do not really care about that, for it is your business if you would want to compare the length of your self-proclaimed 'personal qualities'. We all know, but choose to be extraordinarily optimistic, that it is all down to the results of your damned examinations.

So stubborn is the choice of humans. Flexibility is obviously not an option to many. Granted, a good way to solve a problem will still bring inconvenience to others, but there is no point if virtually everybody is complaining about the same thing, which in turn actually determines your future and for guys, your own mental strength for two years. Conscience can kill. The guilt of not studying enough after that free time after the examinations can drive me crazy, all the time. The bad thing is, since I've been so lazy for the past ? years, I will never have the conscience that I really put in my best. I will never have put in by best. Even though I can no longer continue, I will think that I could. And it is not because of my own pressurising.

Even so, I will never take away my own life. That would be mightily stupid. I may sound emo now but my personality changes drastically when I am typing and when I am actually writing on paper. I have no idea what causes this change though.

Otherwise, I have to actually stop talking about myself. I have always aimed to express myself, but strayed into the path of mentioning all those problems that I probably don't face as badly as many others.

It is because of examinations. The relentless wave of character destruction.

Wandering Thoughts

2008-09-14T18:28:00.002+08:00

The power of DiViNE EViL has consumed me, in full form.

I will absolutely not pass mathematics in the preliminary examinations, and after studying my sciences, I'm still rather unsure of them. I have withdrawn myself but in a way that is not beneficial.

After all these years...I am still unable to stablilise myself. The force that pulls me away is somehow very great. I do not understand; by the time I do, I fear it will be too late.

Anger has driven the family around too. Anomalies are beginning to sprout out of people in the most curious manner. However, I am quite oblivious to these. I am locked in my own battle, and neither do I know why I am actually posting this up on a blog. It tells of my despair I do not reveal.

It will subside, and be over in two months' time, but how I make it over will be the key which allows me power into the respective door of choice. Oh how the stupidity of this world to decide everything on a set of results.

It is after all, dominated by human beings...

Dangged M*********

2008-09-04T17:52:00.002+08:00

They annoy me. They irritate me. They drain my blood. Because of them, I can't study or sleep properly. Is them, Dangged Mosquitoes.

Due to the wet weather during the past few weeks, mosquitoes have started to roam again. And my location on being on the first floor means that they do not have to fly higher to find food. Granted, one of the uses of my father being around is that the mosquitoes will go for him first, but since he has to work in the mornings and afternoons, I have become the target of those tiny irritants.

Aside from that, my progress has still been quite slow. I will need more practice with the physics questions. And with physics teachers (includes my father) going a whole big round of explaining concepts and linkages to other topics when you ask them a single question, putting more effort to read the notes again saves more time.

I spent a little time on YouTube looking for somebody playing La Campanella and chanced upon Adam Gyorgy. Imba (Link Here). It gives me the spirit to practise even harder...even though I do not have the time to. Just this afternoon during my afternoon nap I dreamt about an original piano piece performed at a play. Sadly (and expectedly) I forgot the tune about ten minutes after waking up.

Alright now, I think the mosquitoes have left my studying post. Time to head back.

Month of EViL

2008-09-03T12:28:00.003+08:00

And so it has arrived. In the first day of the month, I was greeted by a supposedly week-long break. With the preliminary examinations right after, there was no break for us students. It has just been endless working on my sciences. Yes, sciences. Time is running so short that Mathematics, which I do not include as a Science, will temporarily be neglected. How unfortunate.

And I have been greeted by my run-down laptop this month with the return of the Control Bug. It disappeared for a while, but now it is back, stronger, bigger, and much more annoying. Even after I had logged in, the circles closed upon the cursor at a frequency of like over 9000 Hz. If you didn't know, you could activate a function in the mouse section of the control panel and make a circle appear around the cursor whenever you press the control button. Its purpose is apparently to find your cursor if you lost it. To me though, it is to alert me when the Control Bug strikes. And today, just after I typed the password, the arrow was swarmed by circles. Curing the bug brought it back in five seconds. It has been annoying me so much now that I am just going to stop typing soon. If not for the warnings to ensure that I don't really want to navigate away from the typing page, I would have lost this post about twenty times (+/- unwanted exaggeration).

Even with me doing nearly nothing but studying, I somehow feel that there is something I'm not doing right. Of course I can't talk about something that I don't know I don't know, if you got what that meant, but perhaps it is the feeling that I am not that stressed yet, at the time when I was going for the 'O' level examinations. Perhaps, just perhaps, there is still one barrier before I see the truth, which is the preliminary examinations results...which I still dread.

Let this time be over quickly and successfully, and I hope it shall do so without much of my conscience.

Impetuous Vacuousness

2008-08-11T18:35:00.002+08:00

I do not know if the two words in the title can be used like this, but it basically means 'sudden emptiness'. This is what I am feeling right now. This weekend was a weekend to catch up on my sleep, as Friday was a half-school day and Monday (today) is a school holiday. Naturally I slept until approximately 1000hrs each morning, as I will return to be confined in the school every day after until 2100hrs.

I had a fair bit of work to do, of course. Not one day passes now without me doing some homework/revision/past year papers/whatever. I have gotten quite used to them already, until I finally picked them up again after slacking for much of the past three days.

In the wake of my grogginess, maybe, I have been temporarily void of schoolwork, but I was fairly shocked to realise that my 'intelligence' was reset. I forgot how to do all those questions I was doing continuously for the past two weeks. I looked at the physics paper and could only do two questions out of like, ten. Not to mention I have nearly done every single question relating to that chapter that is in my possession. Has this got something to do with my poor memory?

Another thing is that I never seem to have the time to actually go through the past chapters that I am weaker at. There are always new papers coming in, that delve on the subject on a whole, and always I cannot answer those same questions. But before I am able to check to answer them, another set of papers come in. Speed, I guess, is the factor here.

And faster does time goes as a whole, but slower while I work. It is already mid-August and I still felt I was lingering around the start of the month. Just a few days and it seems like a week, but in the background half a month has passed. What is worse, I have not even started on mathematics.

Confusion reigns, as reality does not strike me. I am still numb from the void in a corner of my brain.

Transparent Reflections

2008-07-31T23:03:00.002+08:00

I have been writing editing so many...testimonials, reflections, and accounts of the person that I am supposed to be, or am supposed to feel. It is the only right way. However, it isn't right in my conscience.

I submitted a 300+ word Personal Qualities draft when others usually have 400 to 500 words. Granted, my leadership skills are lacking, but that's about the only (and sadly, most crucially) the only quality I'm really lacking. Additionally screwing up of submittion forms for leadership posts did not help at all. Not to mention, as the uber-introvert I was since primary school, it's a good gauge of progression until this stage.

But then again, it's still against my conscience. I am unable to put the pen on paper (or finger on keys) to record feelings that I did not ever feel, or things I never ever done. Even those which give me an unsure aura usually get edited to a generic vernacular sentence that future employers supposedly want to see. Because of this excess bootlicking every self-written testimonial, which actually follows a format, becomes generic. Unless you are the president of some organisation in the school, employers might not even bat an eyelid on the wall of text that you have been trying to proliferate.

In the end, it is inevitable to just bear with a few words that will probably not have such a large effect at all. Employers just want to see your qualifications, and perhaps a summary of your most important achievements. I wouldn't really care what you did feel when helping people, unless you state blatantly that you were forced to do community service and abhorred it, because it would be obvious that you were caring and all that. It would all boil down to your work attitude. How you would perform if you were employed by the company itself. No amount of community service history would help you if you were shamelessly disrespectful to the company.

All these...transparent reflections. People can see right through them. They might as well question you right there and then in the interview, to compare with what they are supposed to feel or know. Yes, some people really put effort into helping others, and it shows in their work attitude. No amount of crapping can help you define the fact that you volunteered in three times as few events as the average slacker. Unfortunately, it is the same when we are all exposed to the real world. People just want to hear the pleasant, albeit harmful, comments that they know they will hear.

For my reflection does not look down on me, but light still shines through it until the opaque wall of reality strikes the mundane minds of human beings.

Permanent Restrainment

2008-07-28T23:17:00.002+08:00

So here goes. Every single day in school from 0730 to 2100. Might not even be productive. But that's for control. Not just confined to the school, but to the library, having to leave a record for even attempting to depart from the glass doors of the Window (ironic).

And I woke up this morning discovering a hint of purpleness under my eyes. I have not been getting enough sleep, and I will not get that in the near future either. This desperate acceleration for academic benefits has already taken its toll. I do, however, feel the physical enlightenment of progression. I do actually feel that I am moving forward. In the correct direction.

The cost will be my efficiency. However, I somehow do not feel all that depressed, unlike how I was during the preparation for 'O' levels. Perhaps the time of DiViNE EViL has not arrived yet. The disaster has been predicted. All the preparations are now, at least, set. It is time to brace for the event, which will feel as if it lasts twice as long than it actually is. And during that time the pain will have to be endured to carry on, or otherwise succumb, collapse, and fall as another generic victim to a thunderous force. However, after it has passed, we will grieve, for not actually being more prepared than we could to the fullest extent. It will be a cycle; a mistake that we will remember forever, but not learn from.

And that is how the power of DiViNE EViL can dissolute the weak, despicable human beings that actually dominate the Earth.

Isolation

2008-07-24T16:54:00.002+08:00

I have realised that a key point in academic strengthening requires social isolation. I am unable to study with more than two people at the same time, even though they might be able to help me with my work. There is simply too much distraction. For a person inadept in multitasking like me, concentration is the only thing I have to rely on, and that weakness to it is distraction.

It will be quite emotionally unsettling. For those really outgoing people who receive and send over a hundred phone messages per day, it is nearly impossible for them to isolate themselves and study. The phone will ring. And it would be in the person's conscience to be rude not to reply. And so somebody who has a high profile is unable to study more effectively.

Fortunately, I have a suitable number of friends that do not bug me much. I rarely receive phone calls at home, unlike my sister, and I am using a top-up phone card which sees me use fifteen dollars in approximately three months. Some people may be able to study in groups, but I have discovered my effectiveness will increase when I am alone. That effectiveness stays approximately the same with two people, and will subsequently spiral down to about 5% in a group of ten. Maybe I can make my own law of academic effectiveness haha. But of course, this may not apply to some people. But so far it seems that most follow this trend.

Therefore, when I have to study in school every night until who knows when, I will have to find a spot to study. I would actually doubt that. There will be too much noise around, echoing about the chamber of the canteen. Nevertheless, since I have been forced into a spot like this, I will have to deal with it.

For it is the inevitable sacrifice that will have to be made.

Concentration

2008-07-20T22:59:00.003+08:00

I will probably spend 1/10 of the time I usually did on the computer, which is what I did for the last 6 or so days. In fact, I had spent none in four of them, and less than one hour for another. I have probably nothing else to do with the computer for now anyway. Therefore I will probably be committing all that time to studying. I will most probably only make another post in September.

To report the progress. The crux of the battle. The force backing the power of DiViNE EViL...I feel strangely isolated now. I could not sleep well for approximately three days in a row. And I feel that my control of English is slowly but steadily deteroriating. I have been encountering difficulties in attempting to construct fluent sentences that express exactly how I feel. I had less of these problems in the past, but now they haunt me occasionally when I'm creating a sentence. There. Another hesisitation when I was typing, to fit the sentence structure in the way I wanted it to be expressed.

That was highly disturbing to myself. Not that I hoped that it would last. I had moved my study area away from the study room (ironically) into my bedroom, away from the piano, computer and my sister (with effect of distraction in that order). Believe me her phone calls are enough to drive me crazy sometimes. It's not her, actually. It's sometimes her consoling the stupidity and naievity of her friends, similar to what I do in a smaller scale, because I don't know people who take stupidity and naievity to that level. Even that Daniel vs Tay Yi thing was miniscule compared in annoyance to this. And she is caught within the confusion that drive their phone calls. Which can last up to three hours of verbal nonsense.

Anyway, by placing myself in a different study area that is not totally foreign, there was little to distract me. Except, ironically, books. I went and read an old thesaurus I found there for more than an hour the other day, but that was at least beneficial. Except that my poor memory makes it 50% efficient.

Fortunately, I had recovered totally from that vertigo crap, six days after it plagued me with a week I didn't want to remember. Now I am able to look more straight...

So, even if I might have lots of things to report, as I usually do but forget them, I might even be too lazy to switch on the computer and type anything. I will have to settle in to studying. It's the time for the engine to start running.

And it won't stop until the end is over.

Another Anniversary.

2008-07-12T10:13:00.002+08:00

In the wake of the events that transpired this week, I do say it is fitting that the presence of the power of DiViNE EViL is strong. Now let us proceed...with what I acknowledge as an invisible but life-threatening force that peaks very, very soon. Post number: 151

Original posted on: Sunday, July 10, 2005
Version 2: Thursday, July 20, 2006
Version 3: Thursday, July 12, 2007
Version 4: Saturday, July 12, 2008

Good Evening.

I am JLam, also known as Nevilinity, Finoq, Holeyhell, GrowTrees...the list goes on. You will never know what is behind the mask of names.

I live in a world full of EViL. People who do not understand the virtue of patience, humility, creativity, unselfishness, optimism, flexibility and the ability to tolerate anger. These are common weaknesses of what we call intelligent beings who dominate the Earth, who in fact mostly do not acknowledge the benefits of kindness that is forgiveness. Nobody can understand why people act like people, how stubborn characteristics change their acts, other's decisions, and the future, why people do not realize the joy of life. Life is to be enjoyed, because you will never know what lies after. Nobody knows if your knowledge carries over to your afterlife because it won't affect it. Nobody can control the darkness of people, the anticipation of the next fall of doom to strike our entire population. Nobody can predict how the fairness of judgement and luck can fall upon people and change their character, lives, and future for others, for better or worse.

Such is the power of DiViNE EViL.

And the power has ascended to a new level this year.

Vertigo

2008-07-09T10:30:00.003+08:00

Apparently, I now know what kind of symptoms I'm having. It is most probably an infection of the inner ear (don't ask me how I got it) which causes this Vertigo (Dictionary.com) (Wikipedia).

Since the vertigo worsened, I will probably be going back to the doctor to request a full diagnosis of the exact problem (with my inner ear). Let us hope then, that I will experience a speedy recovery back to normal.

Apparently there is also bad news from school. Examinations results, of course...they've raised it a notch again. Means our grades go lower a notch. Considering actually, how I felt so-so for the papers, but screwed them up in the wake of lack of time, I'm hoping luck can save me.

Can it forever...

Spinning

2008-07-08T10:28:00.003+08:00

Now this is highly awkward. On Sunday morning I woke up, feeling normal, until i felt the world around me spinning. I opened my eyes and the room was moving back and forth. It made me nauseated, so I went back to sleep since it was still early. More curiously, I could only sleep with my head facing the right side of my bed, otherwise, eyes open or not, I would still feel sick.

Feeling highly unusual, I went back to sleep and hoped that it was just temporary.

Oh how the horribleness of this crap was going to plague me for over 48 hours...I spent the whole of Sunday on my bed, eating only a piece of bread and drinking half a glass of water. Oh and I guess I puked four times in the process, and was so dry that I only pee'd once. The most annoying thing was that I felt alright when I was not subject to the dizziness. I did not have fever or what other ill symptoms. I just felt sick when I sat up because my head would literally view everything around it spinning, whether I opened my eyes or not. So I ended up sleeping for the whole day in one position that did not make me feel sick. I slept so long that my right ear hurt.

The next day I went to a clinic, and though I felt better I still couldn't walk straight all that well. So I walked with my head tilted to the right. The doctor suspected that it was some inner ear infection that disrupted the balance between the two sides of my head. Well I don't know where I would have got this weird virus but I was willing to get rid of it.

An injection and six tablets later, I still do not feel fully recovered. Although I can focus upon a spot better now, moving my head will still give me a weird floating vibe. Screw this. I can't even read comfortably. In fact, I can't do ANYTHING comfortably. Including sleeping.

Is this a coincidence with the third anniversary of DiViNE EViL? Perhaps. The power is so great now, it is unpredictable. Free me from this misery.

This Time

2008-06-22T21:19:00.005+08:00

Again, I gain the will to study just before examinations, as everyone does. It is not the will to study, actually. It is obviously the panic of not knowing enough to barely pass the examinations...what a bunch of crap.

I'm not into Facebook kind of things, but I did kind of overwhelmed when I opened my e-mail inbox and found forty new friend requests from a five-day Facebook account, and most of them were my secondary school friends, at the time, was less open (even now I am still low-profiled).

Well I hope I can carry this studying momentum until the end of the year. When I'm bored, I dig around the sty of paper trash and whatever not and will begin to read some crap (except Time Magazines), and that will probably waste a quarter of my day.

And don't ever play Monopoly in the night. I'm still having sleeping disorder aftereffects.

Strangely I do not feel the power of DiViNE EViL now. As we all know, it peaks in the month of September, but it's probably receiving all my unworthy results that will drive the panic and stress.

Ah, I need more control.

Two Hour Limit

2008-06-19T14:42:00.003+08:00

Finally there was one day where I passed without guilt of not studying enough. Unfortunately, a mock mathematics test deemed that the information still needed time to set in. Time is not what I have.

It also seems like I cannot do many things continuously for more than two hours. Near the two hour mark, my concentration will suddenly decrease by over 50%. This includes studying, playing piano, gaming, afternoon napping...although I usually insist to sleep only 45 minutes, I still usually automatically wake up half an hour later.

Now I will need to direct my concentration back to studying. I could cover many topics in that single day, but it was exhaustive and that cramming of so much information into my head might leave some important points out. Not to mention I have to do probably more for Physics and Chemistry since those require some memorisation of descriptions, though frankly I'm better at explanations than calculations. And I would prefer to do those.

Even training on piano requires time, albeit a more obvious visual progression. Really, I don't know if I'm learning anything right. I'm just doing as I am told. Like what I read from the Binomial Distribution notes. I don't get the introduction, I don't get how it's actually used, but I'm forced to know how to calculate what I'm given using the examples.

Some things may be useful, in the most tiny of situations...but if you have no interest in it, you may never realise this situation even though it is right in front of you.

Usefulness depends on your Interest.

Enough

2008-06-15T21:35:00.003+08:00

I think I've had it.

I do not have the passion for academics. I do not have the passion for art. I do not have the passion for technology or computers. There is one and only one, or the branches and tributarites that arise from it: Music.

Study music? Maybe. Compose to a scene? More likely. Use technology to make music? I'd like that to happen. But a career on music is difficult; it also rarely yields great benefits. Knowing my personality, that is hopefully not a problem.

Get 'A' levels over and done with. Study for it, and never touch differentiation again. Never wanted to touch it in the first place. All the past years in which I have been delusioned into comfort, has made me realise, my one and only trump card, needs to activate.

Concentrate now and propel towards the destination.

Driving Force

2008-06-15T19:38:00.007+08:00

Now that I have gathered some momentum, it seems that I will miss the finish line before my wound-up engine loses energy.

Screw the still-surviving laptop giving me the 'auto-ctrl-key' bug again. Worse, it now returns in virtually every ten seconds! No rest for spamming the ctrl keys to temporarily cure it.

More randomness: the old mouse suddenly died. As in the mouse that used to connect to the laptop. Annoyed me until I again, borrowed another computer accessory from my neighbour...

And when I was just about to type the third paragraph of this post, the laptop suddenly switched the shutdown screen and poof the computer shut itself down in barely three seconds. And that was when I was not even touching the laptop. Not to mention that if I shut it down the normal way it takes approximately ten times longer.

So yes the laptop and the desktop are two pieces of junk that are miraculously still working, and still attempting to be maintained by my father. He is apparently so adamant of getting a new computer, for who knows what reason. Not that I would want one if we had a perfectly fine one, but out of two computers, we do not have a perfectly fine one...

I would be happy with this laptop, if:
1. it could run on batteries.
2. the keyboard can work.
3. it would stop screwing up every mouse/keyboard I plug in.
4. it didn't start lagging after opening three Internet Explorer windows.
5. it didn't overheat in less than an hour.
6. no stupid photogallery thing comes up requiring me to spam 'cancel' everytime I start the computer.
7. I can start the computer normally every time.
8. it didn't shutdown by itself.
9. the auto-ctrl bug didn't plague it.

Ah, looks like I've run out of ideas...but look, the above nine reasons are not just what I'm whining. It's what a normal laptop would be. And somehow I'm coping with it...

Anyway looks like time is running out again. one more week and the examinations begin. Preparedness for each of my three subjects:

Mathematics: 9% (Complex Numbers)
Need to Revise/Learn: Differentiation/Integration/Graphs/Vectors/Statistics(6 or so topics)

Chemistry: 40% (Nitrogen/Periodicity/Atomic Structure)
Need to Revise/Learn: Gaseous State/some parts of Organic/Electrochemistry/Chemical Equilibrium/Energetics/Kinetics

Physics: 35% (Superposition/Measurement/Kinematics/Gravitational Field)
Need to Revise/Learn: Thermal/Forces/Electric Field/AC/Electromagnetism/Quantum

One thing is the whole Tuesday is devoted to Mathematics and I'm sure I will at least treble that 9% of revision there. Now there are no alternatives. It's all out.

Technically, it's all in. In the house, that is. I have been confined to the house almost everyday, because I cannot afford to venture beyond the timewastings of events outside. My hair is too long to be accepted in school, and my back hurts. Yeah it hurts sometimes but it has been consistent for about a week now. I cannot even turn while sleeping without feeling some pain. Usually this is reduced by walking (I think), so I may have to endure this for another week.

Tch, this pain is not bothering me. What is bothering me now is that my momentum for studying is constantly interrupted by petty events that do not even concern me. But why. Why can't I understand what I am studying...and again, I return to the piano to exhaust myself.

In the end, he who suffers to get his work done fails by completing the wrong job.

As Lim Chee Wan would have said, Well Done. *sarcasm*

Evening to the World

2008-06-08T21:37:00.002+08:00

Alright, so I returned from Taiwan on a successful trip, I might say. Of course, I have gained a lot of experience and knowledge, but I'll be too lazy to describe much of the things that happened (what I type is usually more of thoughts and opinions rather than happenings, but there are some exceptions). In fact, I have returned for a whole week now, and somehow the time just warps past in a flash. Not a good omen anyway.

No pictures because my sister damaged the camera and my the phone in my camera can take wonderful pictures of dust. No, seriously the lens is clogged with dust that time when my father bought it second-hand two years ago as my birthday present and still grumbled about it. It is also quite impossible to dismantle it and clean that part of the phone. Not to mention it can't zoom and you can count the pixels on it, and maybe one quarter of it is clogged dust. So in Taiwan I watched other people take pictures (or have my picture taken) but no landscape pictures, unfortunately. There were some great views when we were on the top of a hill (or small mountain?) or just quite high up actually.

The trip was more of an educational/shopping trip rather than a musical exchange. In Taiwan, they are actually nearing their examinations (ugh) now and they cannot afford to miss too many lessons. Therefore we spent at most two hours at the schools. However, in the brisk exchange we still gained a lot. Not to mention their students were a cheery lot. As for educational, we went to a erm, site, that is evident of salt weathering. Because of the salt weathering, there were weird landforms near the sea, which became a tourist attraction. Not for long anyway. There were many pothole-like hole thingies on the rock, which had sea water trapped inside and some crustacean-like creatures around it which somebody said looked like 'sea cockroaches'. Then we went to a museum...yeah. It is apparently a famous museum. There are many and I mean a lot of artifacts in the large building, but somehow the main attractions were the printing stamps of artifacts that are supposed to be a token of commemoration scattered throughout the building...people were crowding around it to stamp their guide maps.

So that was geography and history...and for the shopping part, whenever it wasn't mealtimes or over 1900hrs, we were either brought to a tourist attraction or a shopping area. Speaking of shopping area, I'm not the type to shop for clothes, so usually I get down the bus empty-handed and return the same way. The booklet that they gave us before the trip recommended us to bring an equivalent of S$300 in NT (New Taiwan) dollars, but as the miser that I am I only brought 2000NT, the equivalent of S$91. Actually I misread the booklet or something haha. Oh and, when we reached Taiwan, 500NT was to be collected from each student for the tour guides, which left me with 1500NT, which is roughly equal to S$68.50, which I had to spend for five days. Well guess what. All I did was borrow another 500NT, and I returned to Singapore with two 50NT coins. Not to mention I spent over 400NT on the last morning on stationery. HA!

The hotel that we stayed in was in the middle of...everything. Apparently it is in a shopping district too, so we were allowed to go out at night until a certain time. The was a window in my room and I thought opening a window would reveal the street which isn't that bad. I opened the window, and saw...a wall. A WALL. It belonged to the next building, and the distance was less than half a metre. What's the point of a window if it opens to a wall? Anyway, I didn't go out at night much, I usually went out only to the 7-11 store(s), as I...well, didn't shop. Speaking of 7-11s, the whole Taiwan is infested with them. I mean, from the hotel entrance, you turn left and around the corner is a 7-11. On the right across the road is another 7-11. Basically you can stand in one and see the other. And in Taiwan there are a lot of neon signs sticking out to the streets. You can look down one straight road and see two to three 7-11 signs. 7-11 is not just 'a store and more'. It's plainly, 'There's no Escape'.

Oh and I obtained a pack of cards from the Singapore Airlines flight on the way back. It hurt my hands when I shuffled it. I suppose that was quite random. And because nobody played with me during the flight, I started perspective-drawing on the back of my reflection sheet. I tried to draw some streets of Taiwan but I apparently failed and gave up (half the picture anyway). It of course included a 7-11 store.

After I returned, it seems like time passed twice as fast. It somehow seemed like in the past 7 days, I gained 5% as much as I did compared to the 5 days in Taiwan. That's including a whole day of studying Chemistry (most of the time I was stoning). My engine has died down...had it even started?

I know that I need to start running at full speed over my studies, but the lack of resources is killing me. And that is when I know, the resources are available, the machinery is available to extract it. It is all ready and set, but there is no signal to proceed.

Only if I do, will I obtain results. Only when I proceed, will I retrieve. I had the enlightenment, but through the flash of time, it disappeared again.

Good Evening to the World.

Shadow of the Leader

2008-05-23T23:03:00.002+08:00

For much of my life, I have been the supporting role of others. The strange thing is, I would usually prefer not to be exposed, but a bit of me yearns to acquire that glory; that feeling of euphoria.

In the end, it leaves me with a lesser sense of responsibility. Last saturday I attended CHSSB's annual concert at VCH, with the main reason as to listen to the premiere of Fei Yang's piece, Threnody. As I sat in the audience, inside of me, the spirit of composing to rival him rises again. Unfortunately, the lack of committment I have usually results in a piece that lasts no longer than thirty bars (usually getting pissed off with the score-writing computer program). However, I feel the growing progress that I have made. The first time I had this feeling, I wrote a two-minute piece for violin, flute, trumpet and oboe (I think it was oboe). The second time, I wrote a full 6-minute piano solo that I was unfortunately unsatisfied with. Some bits and pieces of motifs spanning half a page were also noted. This time, the obstacle seems to be studies and time. Next week I will be on a school trip, and after that is a mad rush to study nearly everything in three weeks for the mid-year examinations. Besides, there are not many strong motifs stuck in my head now.

I dare not speak of PJCSB now, as I sense the presence of DiViNE EViL, extremely near. Blogs coming into question, that is...I felt extremely neutral, as I have always done so. However, there was a sense of foreboding. A sense of urgency to halt the progress of thought. In the end, the issue remained fairly anonymous, but it did not seem that way to whom the issue was addressed to.

That is why I am so vague, and used to be even more vague, in referring to certain people or organizations. Long ago I knew it was not safe to post information referring specifically to people as to protect their privacies. In the end, my main expressions on a blog here are not about the little things that have happened between me and whoever not in school. The person doesn't matter unless you know him/her well. And only if you have truly evaluated this person honestly, can you actually have some little bit of power to comment on him. What I am currently feeling at this instant will then be slightly processed and typed. I may be a hypocrite sometimes and contradictions may arise, but I'm more of a 'present' person. My memory is fairly poor.

For something that I feel that I can excel in, I will have the confidence to lead. Otherwise, no matter how well I start off with something, I'd rather be in the shadow of the leader, the guide for success.

For some reason, fear starts to plague me now.

Losing Control

2008-05-15T22:09:00.002+08:00

Losing control of my control buttons of my keyboards, that is.

Fortunately, I know when they are going crazy as there is a function with the mouse button that lets you find the position of the cursor by pressing 'ctrl' and a huge circle will close in onto that point. So sometimes, when I am using this poor excuse of a laptop, it goes crazy and auto-holds the control key. Then I see mass circles closing in the cursor, and spam my 4 control and alternate keys (on two keyboards) to cure this annoying thing.

In my experience, having control key held down is the one of the most horrible thing syou can actually experience. First, you can't scroll with your mouse. Instead, it increases or decreases text size. Next, you can't minimize or maximize windows normally. Instead, you have to right click and manually click 'restore' or 'minimize'. Or even worse, when I start up the laptop and the ctrl-syndrome is automatically applied, pressing the 'C' key yields a 'you can't copy text from a password field' message.

There are some funny things that happen too, like just a few moments ago, when the ctrl-syndrome appeared and I started spamming the 8 keys. I pressed ctrl a few more times, and the computer shut down. W T F.

For that previous dream, another unrelated one followed in the next night which involved Collin screwing up time-retardation, but that is quite unimportant. I have returned to dreamless mode.

Uh. I think I don't feel like typing anymore.

Peculiar

2008-05-11T19:17:00.003+08:00

Extremely Peculiar...

Last night (or in fact, this early morning), there was a storm, and strong winds, stronger than I have ever experienced. I woke up to close the windows, but I was told by my family that there was also an extremely loud sound of thunder. Somehow, I did not hear that, as usually I would. Instead, I went back to sleep and had a pretty clear dream. A dream that I have experienced in a long time.

*Dream*
I do not know how it started, but I ended up being on the top of an extremely tall building. I was feeling slightly dizzy (or just mentally retarded), and I had a sniper rifle. Using that rifle, I aimed to the ground and shot a one-year-old (don't ask me how I knew), another person and a dog (I guess).

I was then caught and brought for trial. Instead, I just plead guilty without any other explaination. Apparently some people were surprised but I was adamant.

Curiously, I was given a jail sentence of three years. The jail looked more like a camp to me, and there was a road behind that one could easily jump to. However that road did not really lead to anywhere so there was no point anyway.

There I survived like normal, as if in a trance. I received news from school hearing that my classmates can't play Bridge without my cards (...) and something else I could not remember.

Naturally, I would go looking for a piano. I did find a piano, and an awkward one at that. This piano had a right angle to it where one side was a standard keyboard while the other side had just two octaves. Somebody was playing on the standard keyboard so I sat on the right angle and attempted to play the two-octave keyboard. Naturally I could not play anything with such a small range, so I waited. As the other person left, I went over to the other keyboard, and did I play or not? I could not remember. After that, it was fairly blur and I think I woke up.

*/End Dream*

Still, it felt strong and much more than I can remember of many other dreams. It
gave me an awkward feeling too. The most curious thing was that it was a dream I fairly enjoyed, and with a sustainable duration. I should mention I have never intended to hurt any human individual.

Other than that, Slacking Sunday is as usual, but the topics are coming in order. At least the only subject in which I have totally no idea what is going on is mathematics, as it always has been. However, I can imagine something now...

Inside my head, I think insanity is starting to set in.

Reset button not working

2008-05-05T21:46:00.002+08:00

After this whirl of a term, I realise that it has not ended yet. Controlled by the mind-bogglers that restrict the transparency that guide us, we have in turn attempted to enjoy ourselves using the most crude methods imaginable. That is the truth of the purpose of Junior Colleges. You do feel stupid, but yet you enjoy yourself and then somehow you succeed. The truth of the unexpected.

Several weeks remain before I go on a trip to Taiwan with the band, then comes the June Holid...Studying Period. Seriously, the time is up. Worse for me, my reset button will not activate until the end of May when I return. Until then, I will hope the reset button wipes out all the uncertainties I have encountered.

The distractions of a computer...even with such a suck-brains computer like this keyboardless laptop (my neighbour finally lent me a working one), it manages to withstand the pressure I apply on it (not for long, I guess). Work or play, it still irritates me somehow, but getting used to this exposes me to tackle extremely awkward situations that somehow work (Like resetting my desktop over twenty times in a certain order).

Reset is what I need to do. Not what I do every morning, per se, when my emotions reset. It is a double-edged sword, I guess. However, the evolution of my character weans this resetting ritual eventually, which has seen me become more...lazy.

Or it feels more infused with the power of DiViNE EViL.

Confusion

2008-05-03T18:43:00.003+08:00

Apparently 30 minutes is all I need to understand something out of Mathematical Induction when I was screaming for help for two weeks.

Oh and on the first of May the band went to the Istana to perform some pieces. Fortunately we didn't melt, as the shade helped us. Since last week the weather has been scorching hot and humid. It was so bad that I can feel the heat before the sun rises at nearly seven in the morning. Then there will not be a single cloud in the sky...unlike earlier in the year, when the mornings were sunny and the evenings experienced showers or thunderstorms.

The weather hurts my head badly. It gives me some dizzy spells occasionally where I stone into space, staring into the void of Nevilinity.

Well, perhaps not that bad. For now, competitions and co-curriculum activities have ruled over the whole term. Everybody is busy and the good thing is that tests are kept to a minimum. Everybody is in a slack-ish mood...

Not until three weeks later when they realise they have no knowledge on how to do over sixty topics spanning four subjects. For me, I'm only confident on perhaps ten of those topics. Whoa, this has got me worrying.

So now, the thing that keeps me going...is the fact that I can succeed with the help of others. Yeah you've got that right.

No Solo

2008-04-27T19:42:00.002+08:00

Apparently I have realised I cannot do everything alone. Studying alone may be helpful but I'm so stuck that I'm more stuck than a sticker. Somehow parts of my notes are blank, and I'm totally clueless on anything related to mathematics that I haven't any consultation in. Yes I will be seriously needing some soon.

Not to mention the amount of band practices has increased to a stressful level. Due to the fact that we have a performance next week, which I screwed up with my secondary school the previous time I visited the Istana for a performance. Then there's the Taiwan trip that requires me to know my blood type, which apparently is not mentioned in my health booklet, birth certificate...nothing. Furthermore I have never been told about this. Well, obviously my blood type is human. Riiiight..?

The only redeeming fact of this weekend is that I have been practicing my Fugue for many times and for no apparent reason. I was doing my tutorials when, bam, I went to play the fugue twice. I was watching that eyesore soccer match of Chelsea and Manchester United last night and, bam, I went to play the prelude and fugue. This morning I woke up and felt like playing the fugue so I did. Well, I hope there has been improvement. A fugue is so fugueing difficult to learn (I just typed 'lurn', which...sounds like leetspeak to me).

Oh, and my neighbour gave me his old USB keyboard so now I FINALLY have a keyboard with ALL the keys working! Apparently he did so because he bought a new Razer keyboard, mouse and pad set...

So it seems...like I require some dependancy on others. Don't leave me behind now.

Idling again

2008-04-13T19:11:00.004+08:00

Idling away again, waiting for the hammer of doom to fall upon myself and smash me into the realm of EViL, is just not cutting it. This is where I start to fall behind real bad. I'm suddenly three topics off Mathematics Physics and Chemistry. How is it that they spent so much friggin time on Complex Numbers that I can do extra questions but four lectures is all it takes for two and a half topics to blast past the speed that I can cope with. It is as if the teachers and lecturers were playing with us. What the chemistry lecturer said (something along those lines): "This topic is very very very very difficult so if you don't listen I'm going to go faster". Ohh so in the end, you get some satisfaction in punishing us, and we suffer. Suffer for eternity and there you all teachers down there say "it's your own fault, I still get my pay" crap.

And they still say PJC have the most caring teachers? I can't think of some of the EViLness that some teachers possess in treating students, perhaps in other schools. One who is caring will have the passion to teach. They will go all out for effort and attempt to mingle with their students. Oh I've seen some of these teachers before. They deal with those who are unwilling to learn in a harsh manner, but in the end they show respect. The joy in teaching is now difficult to achieve, but for those who want to help they are easily the most recognized teachers in the school.

So my table is a mess and worksheets are missing.
Notes are strewn around and tissueboxes stacking.
Laggy computer with a USB keyboard.
Got things to do but I still get bored.
Dustbin a-flowing over with crumpled tissues.
Time magazines lying around, last year's issues.
Lizards crawling over behind the files.
Last year's papers mixed up in piles.
Yet in between everything, there is a gap.
And I'm in the middle of all this crap.

Probably Wen Pu will criticize this since I have almost no English Literature background, but heck I spent 10 minutes on this. So I need a more conducive environment to study so that I don't get discouraged in this mess. Not to mention, sitting on the other side is one extremely noisy sister.

Oddly, I feel like studying now. Panic is starting to set in. Nine topics. Now.

Evening sets in

2008-04-01T20:46:00.003+08:00

Let us forget about examinations yet again. Though I acquired no 'ungraded' grade, it is still nothing to be proud of. Even with the fact that I had somehow fared better than many people, the guilt set in has driven my mugging sense somewhat.

Sunday was fairly eventful, with a half-failed class outing where some six or seven of us guys got abandoned by the girls because of the 'low outcome'. Nevertheless we stilled exhaused ourselves by cycling at East Coast Park (Alan would have gone to Changi had I not stopped him). I attended a Queen musical (not by the actual members of Queen) that night, which was enjoyable, but gave me some headaches since I was quite near to those speakers.

Headaches I had the next day which saw me excuse myself from school. Another note, my mathematics consultation has ended, presumably because I passed my mathematics. However, this common test only tested us on a condensed syllabus. Not to mention even I did not feel that the 'examination' was difficult. Topics like Differential Equations are mistier than fog in my memory. Oh and Wen Pu had 8 for his mathematics. 8 out of the maximum 100, of course. I would perhaps scan and upload his paper here sooner or later. Oh, and 8 is a great achievement for him, considering he improved compared to the previous examination that he attended by over 100 percent.

Incidentally, I forgot the main reason why I wanted to post here now. All I know is somehow I feel real busy. Like, it's April now. Another two months, perhaps, to an even bigger and more important examination.

Perhaps I am just starting to feel the effect now...

Pain and Saturation

2008-03-19T21:40:00.002+08:00

Three(Four if including GP) subjects of examinations have passed. Mathematics, the subject that though I'm not good in, I tried to put more effort into this examination. As usual much of the differentiation/integration questions were...beaten around the bush, let's say. What irked me most was that I had probably overlooked the two Vectors questions that would usually be easy for me.

As for today, Physics to me was better than usual...if I dare to say that. After that my mind was already saturated and I could not stuff much Human Geography into my mind. I also felt the pain of writing continuously for 2 hours. The side of my right hand's fifth finger, which is pressed onto the table when I write, became numb after about an hour and a half. I was unable to write properly as it gave me a numb and bruising feeling (it was purplish too) and it was 'eroded' by the friction, becoming a hard, smooth surface.

After tomorrow's 'test' I will acquire some sleep. After that, it will return to normal. Normal meaning studying as if there is to be a common test next week. That is just the beginning...

September...the month of DiViNE EViL. The pinnacle of suffering has yet to arrive.

Bummer

2008-03-17T22:19:00.003+08:00

And there I was thinking that my keyboard went cranky again, but in reality my phone was just lying on the 'ctrl' button.

I have to type all these things without a 't' and 'y' button (still). I've gotten so used to 'ctrl+V'-ing my letter 't's that even when I use a normal keyboard I automatically reach for 'ctrl+V' when I want to type a 't'. Additionally, the escape button, F1, F4, F6, F9, F11 and F12 buttons don't work. If it wasn't for the fact that this darn keyboard is stuck to the laptop, I wouldn't be using this piece of junk. Not to mention this computer's virtual memory space runs out faster than the time required for my desktop to boot up.

I can't remember exactly my initial purpose for posting, but tomorrow's my mathematics 'common test' a.k.a. EXAMINATION OF DOOM TO THROW YOU BACK TO J1. I cannot go back down anyway, having appealed to be in this Junior College in the first place. Now I still have some sort of grudge to the misnaming of this 'test' but somehow, lately, I have been losing it.

My temper, being held so low for so long, is upwelling like a LOLCAN-volcano (I can't do strikeouts). I fear, for I have adhered to oppose the powers of DiViNE EViL for so long, I will eventually succumb to it. However, I do know I'm not stressed out yet (like when I was before 'O'-levels'), because I remembered my eyelids kept twitching and I was on the verge of insanity after school.

I feel guilty that I do not have total control over myself, and face the repercussions after at the expense of my sanity.

There, I said it.

Uncertainty

2008-03-15T23:53:00.002+08:00

Studied today, and what I did really made me uncertain.

For some reason I cannot do the questions that I usually can. As for those that I usually cannot, I feel like I was in an examination myself. I had the feeling of panic and indecisiveness. In those questions that require just a little twist, my brain becomes clogged and is unable to look at the big picture.

I have no idea why, though. Even if I'm better in that topic (Complex Numbers), there are always those questions that are slightly different that stump me. I have no...studying confidence. I am forced to like the subjects that I am studying, or it could have been worse. Looking at those that were my ex-classmates who received their 'A'-level results, achieving higher results seem doubtful, unless...my standard of myself is really higher. Must...not...aim...for...just-pass...these words must be burned into my mind.

But it is difficult. I would rather study Music any day...sit around even being forced to compose, I will have some sense of achievement. There is also, automatically, a higher expectation of yourself in the things that you like. Like how I was not really satisfied with my Op.1, yet I could not point out the discrepancy. The solution: start Op.2. Unfortunately, though I may have some motifs lingering around, I have no time to fork out to write them down.

As for this week, the sun has finally revealed itself from behind the clouds, after probably five consecutive days of rain. A big difference, really. I guess the world is really becoming more chaotic. The future is uncertain.

A sign of how bad the weather was: Somehow, some of the tiles in the living room started to...um...form fold mountains. I'm not exactly sure what is causing this phenomenon, but the tiles are sort of pushed against each other so that they rise slightly, leaving a triangular gap below. It is not very obvious...until you step on it. It becomes unstable and sounds hollow. Additionally, it seems like it will snap any minute, and that won't be pretty.

Ah, how examinations torture people. How weather tortures people. In the end, it is the people themselves that have given problems to their own fragile lives. How amazing the brain is, yet we do not make full use of it. That is because if we do, the results can be equally beneficial as disastrous.

Behold the power of DiViNE EViL, created by the mental aspects of humans.

Wet Days

2008-03-12T09:20:00.004+08:00

Yesterday sure was hectic. Not that the wet weather helped at all.

Diary-type post:

I had to follow some schedule from 1530 hours onwards, to be sure I arrived at two locations at the correct times. Fortunately, the weather was relatively kind to me. Considering that it was raining in the afternoons for nearly the whole week, cycling to school would otherwise be a good idea. Just before I set off, it was raining heavily. However, when I exited my house, it stopped. So I took the chance and took my bicycle (my father's actually) and cycled to school.

Unfortunately, the ground was still quite wet, and it was still drizzling slightly. Unknown to me the water from the back wheel, due to great velocity (and circular motion involving centripetal force blah blah), would splash up all the way up to the seat, meaning to say, my bottom. So when I felt my bottom was wet obviously something was not right if I weren't the source of this wetness. Moreover, my white shirt which was covering my back got laden with not only sweat, rain, and mud, but gravel. WTF gravel!? So the source had to be the road, travelled via the wheel, then onto me.

I reached school for band practice and when I entered the room and closed the door the rain outside suddenly got heavier x5. Must be a wanton(1000kg cloud) over our heads (pardon Tay Yi style lameness). I had to leave by 1730, which was earlier than the band practice ended, but it was still raining then, albeit to a lesser extent. Since I sat closest to the door, whenever it looked like it had stopped raining, I rushed outside to check on the condition. Finally at about 1745, I just left. (Actually I did more than that but importance is minimal here)

So I cycled home and this time I did not care about the mud or gravel as I was going to go home and take a shower anyway. In the end when I took off my shirt the back of it was riddled with pale brown and grey spots. Without looking at it any longer I went to take a shower.

I then proceeded to take two buses to NUS(YST CoM) for a quartet concert. When I left the house, it was not raining, but it was when the bus reached near the PIE exit of Upper Bt. Timah Rd. I had to transfer to a sv.151 bus, which made me wait for over twenty minutes.

Again, somehow, when I reached my destination it was not raining. So I went to the concert. Actually not, as I was supposed to wait for Shi En who told me about this concert first, but she was late (tempted to laugh here). While waiting I saw my secondary school chemistry teacher Mr. Wang who said he was surprised that he could remember my name. I actually agreed with him too, condsidering the little impact I used to give in school. I waited for Shi En for half an hour after the concert started, in which the quartet already finished 4 movements of a piece (I stood outside and watched that 'television' there). In the end she arrived and we were still allowed in.

Afterwhich, I went home and fortunately, it was not raining. I went to read some Atomic Structure notes and went to sleep. Another day gone...and next week is the common test. I guess I require no more reminding.

It is raining again...

Reiteration

2008-03-04T23:38:00.002+08:00

Good Evening.

I live in a world full of EViL. People who do not understand the virtue of patience, humility, creativity, unselfishness, optimism, flexibility and the ability to tolerate anger.

Quote-The World of EViL/Creed of EViL, 2007

That is all.

Persuasion by Force

2008-03-04T23:05:00.002+08:00

How would a General Paper passage haunt me. In those dreams that I ever had, I would never have thought they would like to the real world. In those thoughts that I ever had, nearly none of them have really turn out as expected. They say I have no dreams, jaded by the comfort of my modern life. Oh, how I thought I had too many dreams until deemed many of them unrealistic, in my current situation. Where what is my future is to be restricted.

Now that passage, other than making me use one of those vocabulary words ('jaded'), rings true of what I actually not agreed with. As it explicitly stated in the first paragraph, the security in this modern age can virtually be bypassed by anything. Even what I'm typing right here right now, though no normal person will be bothered to see what I'm doing, there are always people interested to know. Defending of yourself from others prying into your life obviously needs some skills of deceiving. And deceiving skills I have developed over the years, (it is easier to express via typing) using them to gain money, time, and prevent oneself from entering a potentially fruitless event. But they can be exposed as easily as they were concealed, if there were some people who really bothered.

I can stand the jeers of defeat and defamation. The exposure to the power of DiViNE EViL has, after all, made me less human. There is still something I can't really stand though - sarcasm. Seriously, sarcastic people can't get their points across properly. Sarcastic people want to hide what they actually mean, and ask you to find it out for yourself. Unfortunately, being a person of a certain lame degree, sarcasm works on me like insults on Daniel. I will throw it back literally, laugh at me if you want, but you don't get the last laugh.

People want to imply a point across to you? Deny them what they desire. They aim to piss you? Appear nonplussed. Making it too obvious, however, makes yourself look more like a retard, so countering sarcasm takes experience. This aspect is one I have not remotely achieved yet, but I am ready to try.

Persuasion by force - Coercion. Another voculabury question linked to the passage. Elements of DiViNE EViL hidden in the passage? Positive. Use of intimidation to obtain compliance. Coercion can happen by implication. Think before you say 'oh I didn't actually scold you' after some 'coercion' because otherwise what you said would be useless.

Now stop your sarcastic innuendos and your kaleidoscope of insults implied indirectly and realise what others feel. I may not be able to follow my values to the death in being a hypocrite but that doesn't give you the right to follow what is wrong. Realise that.

Don't look back
Don't look back
It's a rip-off
Flick of the wrist and you're dead baby
Blow him a kiss and you're mad
Flick of the wrist - he'll eat your heart out
A dig in the ribs and then a kick in the head
He's taken an arm and taken a leg
All this time honey
Baby you've been had.

That just meant, I politely told you to stfu.

Torn Personality

2008-02-23T21:07:00.003+08:00

I'm still part of the uber-introvert I once was, but I'm attempting to see everything in a more general view.

So I went to crash yesterday's PJC Orientation 2 after my CCA, along with Josh, Ashraf, and Collin. I guess they had just gone there because they finished their CCA late too. Mine ended at 2000hrs, which was relatively average for my CCA on Fridays. It had been raining before that, so the orientation ended in the hall instead of the main square. It was really stuffy there, with all the hype and heat. I was still in my non-sweat friendly school uniform.

We then went to Lot1, which by then was alreadly 2200hrs and the Popular Bookstore was closed much to my laziness disappointment. It means I have to go out one of these days to use my vouchers...or I might even be too lazy to do that. Much of today has passed by like lightning again, I have no idea why.

Let me recall...this morning, I woke up at about 0930, and I did nothing much except reading some Geography till lunch. Then I went to sleep as I was somehow more tired than usual. I slept twenty minutes more than I intended, then I went trying to compose again, resuming my work from one week ago. Unfortunately I ran out of manuscript paper, much to my annoyance, and my printer ran out of black ink. I then tried using a copy of the Finale 2006 I had backup from before, but it needed registering and will expire within 30 days. Well, that's a deadline for me completing that piece. However, the common tests are looming up ahead...

Actually, I don't make many 'diary' posts on this blog much. Usually the posts consist of my feelings and...advice. This is actually a move away from the 'Daniel-Tay Yi' event (I refuse to call it saga). Things have settled down, and I'm glad they have. Amusing...I type better than I speak. That is because...there is time to think before typing.

I think I think too much, if you get what I mean.

But Why

2008-02-21T16:13:00.002+08:00

People work in mysterious ways...but not everything is so straightforward. In the light of my 2500 word post which nearly destroyed my ailing keyboard, I would have thought you would give yourself another reflection. Let us seriously hope what you show me now is not further concealment of your hate.

But yet again I was disappointed. Yes you have returned to your normal self, but you still do not believe that you can regain our support. You seem to think that your suffering will last until you finally leave the school. Are you not going to ever forgive us again?

This is directed to Daniel again, and hopefully for the last time, after reading his latest post which came after mine. You told me you were uncertain of publishing another post. I hoped you got the point and told you to go over it again. That meant that all information relating to arguments against Tay Yi should end.

Even Tay Yi has already removed all those posts from his blog and replaced them with another one with his usual style about the school. It was not because he chickened out. It was because he saw no point going on with this insanity of an argument.

Yet, though you acknowledge about your apparent weaknesses, you choose to explain and backup what you have done. Once a fool, not always a fool.

What's the difference between bullying in secondary schools and junior colleges? You choose to give yourself some excuse of no basis to say that this kind of bullying cannot be countered.

You invite people to laugh at you again, evident of your misunderstandings. Again you place yourself with no relativity to others. You are not alone in this world. You will, in time, need the help from others. For them to help you, you have to help them. Isolating people altogther isn't good. I do not believe that there is not even one similarity between you and the people you dislike.

Interact more, and know when others like or dislike what you are doing, as they will show telltale signs of dislike. This is for you to analyze and be careful of treading the same path again. When people start voicing out directly at you, you have gone too far. Experience is needed for this, and it is not too late now.

I would hope that you understand. Why would I care so much about you? It is because I treat my friends with respect. I would feel responsible if you were isolated from the class everyday. I have, in the past, been close to those in my class who have been bullied the most. If somebody loses my respect, something is seriously wrong.

But I would like to complement on the way both Daniel and Tay Yi acted today as if nothing had happened. At least Daniel didn't give me that sullen pissed face he did for the whole of yesterday. He cheered up much during the GP lesson. For Tay Yi, he overslept drastically. He only came for the last hour of the day and seemed to forget about the past already.

I do, however, have had enough of these posts. Daniel, please understand, for if you don't, it makes your task tougher. Friends are forever valuable. I wouldn't want to lose you either, in case you become a professional pianist.

The Neutral, yet Subjective Post

2008-02-20T19:45:00.006+08:00

Good Evening, where the powers of DiViNE EViL return and run rampant. The power might run in me now too, as I make one of the most personal posts I will ever know.

Oh, when differences merge together and separate what they consist of. As an attempt to be a middleman, as I have always been, how about I delve into the problems between an argument between two of my closer friends. I would have been nonplussed had not they having taken it a little bit too far. Perhaps we shall start with some history.

Last year, approximately the same time of the year. First day of actual lessons after the second orientation, four of us stuck together. Daniel, Collin, Tay Yi and I. Collin was there because he was in the same orientation group with Daniel and I, who seemed to share an interest for music. Tay Yi joined in later after Daniel met him in class before I did.

Oh so how differences separated us. At that time, we would go to the hall during breaks to slack around and perhaps use the piano. However, Collin's differences soon separated him from us. He was a more outgoing type I guess, and lazy as he was, he probably felt more bored slacking with us. So we were left with us three during breaks, which we stuck around for quite a while. Though Daniel and I did play piano quite a bit, we seemed to have interests in music genres, but that wouldn't be an obstacle. Tay Yi, having halted his piano playing for several years, actually regained his interest after being inspired by us and is now much better than he was a year ago. Not to mention we actually bought DS-es after seeing Daniel's one.

Now we fast-forward to right after the June holidays. In my opinion, Daniel came back with a louder character. A few weeks into the new semester, somehow I had already sensed he was getting slightly more annoying. I did tell him though the key to success to life is based on three factors x+y+z. X was studies, Y was playing and Z was knowing when to keep your mouth shut. Now the thing that confirms my opinion with the class is that the whole class seemed to be feeling awkward towards him. He should have noticed it as I had mentioned to him more than once.

Meanwhile, Tay Yi came back with a lesser character in general. Less spirit and less energy, it seemed. It appeared to me he became more inactive. Even his lameness stalled for a while until he attempted to regain it in the last term of the year.

Their little argument probably started when they were in the same project work group. Knowing Tay Yi who would probably be too lazy doing much of the work (especially when there are the hardworking girls), and Daniel having some responsibility in the group, he would start lamenting about his inactiveness.

However, Daniel, for some reason, became easily flustered, which gave Tay Yi the window of opportunity to counter what he didn't like Daniel asked him to do. Nobody obviously liked being publicly poked so hard for being lazy, so he started returning the favour by picking on Daniel for his apparent weaknesses. At first, it didn't have much effect. But somehow it is different this year.

How did it all become like that? Daniel, for some reason, isn't getting numb from these little insults. In fact, he is storing them, waiting to unleash them back at him if need be. What is this, revenge? Will revenge do you good? In fact, it will make you more ridiculous, since the class is obviously not on the side that is going to get bullied.

Unless of course, you don't know how to deal with being bullied. I am quite sure, in some time in your primary or secondary school life, you have been bullied, unless you are the one doing the bullying. You would think we had not been bullied? As a uber-introvert during my primary school days, I dared not say anything! And I would hold my pee for as long as possible because I was afraid to ask a teacher to go to the toilet! So what, talk back at those who call me a lamb chop? It gets old, and by far, being called fat is one of the, if not THE, oldest type of insults one can receive.

Tay Yi is just one person. He makes insults, yes. What makes the difference is the receiver. You choose to ignore it, it means nothing to you. The bully turns others against you? Then slowly regain their respect by progressing further than them. This advice I can give is up to you to heed, as now much of the class is beginning to turn against you. Even I have been affected. But now, to tell your faults, is for you to know the vicious cycle that you have been locking yourself in, and the only one to suffer is yourself. Slowly and humbly release yourself, and not enraging outbursts against others, as that will make you a target who know your vulnerability. You can say you have your family and other friends. Unfortunately, you are forced to face the class five times every week. Rather than adamantly endure their taunts, choose to approach them. Slowly again, I can't seem to emphasize more on this. Do not think you already know what others are telling you. Listen then ask. The number of times you make yourself look stupid because you ask a question that is yet just about to be explained are numerous. You have to know what others feel about what you do.

Right now, you make a fool out of yourself too much. A quote, lest say. "I will use anything and everything in my arsenal", is what you used to describe your 'speech contests'. Can I say I witnessed one of them last week? Yeah you might have been attempting to bring out the big guns, I could see that, and you didn't stop, but as you said, you would keep going even if you don't win. So if you win yeah you have beaten them with your force. Unfortunately, this little 'gamble' here puts you in a worse situation than before due to the third party, namely, the class. You are spouting your arguments, while the other side just has to lie there and say a few words calmly to turn everything back at you. And in your bid to counter again, you make a fool of yourself. Even if you win this battle, you lose to all who have seen it as you have given them a bad impression.

Is this 'gamble' worth taking just for the sake for one person? One person that you know WILL come back to gamble with you because he usually wins. Instead of making yourself win, you are trying to make him lose. The difference is that there is the possibility that both of you lose. Know how to conceal your feelings and give a better impression to others. You may say that this concealing of your feelings is too much for you to handle, then I say I am sorry, you've seen nothing yet.

That is why, from the way you speak to the way you post, it seems that you are still oblivious to the general world. You may have apologized about your piano comment which shot your elitist-bar to over 9000, but instead of leaving it alone, you still back it up with a weaker version of it in your reply post. Actually, let me put this into a scenario. If you were told you were comparable to professionals by your piano teacher, consider the validity of the statement. If it is true, yes, let your skills do the talking. By even having the idea of posting this comment on a blog defines what you think is right about that statement. Perhaps if your piano teacher is a well-known professional himself/herself. But don't you think, at this stage where you have not reached grade 8 yet, you are comparable to professionals? How about those who are already at grade 8 level by secondary school? If you were truly comparable to professionals, you would already have the talent, unless you were at home committing yourself to the piano for at least three hours per day. And if you knew that, you won't be stressing yourself over mathematics in Pioneer Junior College. How about thinking about it. Don't take all the words from others you respect literally and following them like they were your orders.

Which brings me to the last point for you, Daniel. This point which I do have to agree to whoever is thinking about you because of what you do and how you act. Your ignorance and low standard of life, which I have been ungladly enlightened by my father. Once, my father asked me: "How satisfied would you be with 75 marks for mathematics?" Of course I said I would be delighted because I'm not even close to half now. He then turned into a fit of rage saying everybody should aim for 100 and such...of course his standards might be too high, and I know my standards are too low. Daniel now, you have set a standard that is low. I don't know if you know it or not, but getting praised by a piano teacher is no big deal. Completing your tutorials means you have just met the mark. Your diet on computer games would, in my life, translate into my father locking me up in my study. You might have thought you have cut down a lot. You might have thought you have tried. But to those who have slightly higher standards, that difference is nothing. I do regret my standard is even lower, but I do acknowledge about it. Now ask yourself if you are going to help yourself. Don't balloon what you have achieved because in other's eyes, the change is minimal. That is the reason why you are ridiculed. There is a reason why you have the most 'enemies' in the class.

Think if you're wrong. In the end, you're fighting with yourself.
Saying Tay Yi has no sense of reality doesn't mean you do have it.

Moving on to the other side, Tay Yi's side will be considerably shorter not because I have a hard time typing letter 'y's all the time but because his part in this is less acute therefore resulting in not having the whole class going against him. But of course, there is no definite right or wrong in an argument.

After returning the favour to Daniel last year, I didn't see the need to continue the insults except for some lame humour. Yeah the class could do with some lame humour alright. You do have some of the class behind you, but otherwise you're quite self-dependant. However, your little insults turned into full-fledged blogposts too, as you two attempt to look as if your posts referred to somebody else you're insulting. Why was there the need to indulge in this war between him? Additionally, you are just going keep this going on and on when you exaggerate on some of his qualities. Seriously I think nobody would have noticed if he was whiter hadn't you not mentioned it as an insult. Even so, you had made the class believe he was.

Pointing out individual traits yields less amusement too. It was unnecessary to put all those little things about him like what he eats. Your complaints of hunger could be solved had you not taken laziness to the extreme by not eating anything after you wake up. Not like these points should be a basis of your arguments.

To an important point: perhaps finding yourself in that elitist state. Many of your ideas, based on what you know, is made in the basis of many of your arguments, but that is what you think. In having a more privileged background, it should not be in your hands to know what Daniel is actually experiencing. For others life may not pass as simply as you can choose to skip school. By determining what lessons are good for yourself and being subjective on the subjects themselves. Think you already have a future there for the taking? It may not be as simple as it may seem, but I am venturing into uncharted territory there. It seems, at this kind of time, life is going by too simply for you. At least my father is still giving me reality checks =.=

There lies the differences between the two. You have, what you know in your hands, but you are taking it for granted. I am in no liberty, of course, to determine your future, but you must also know what others are experiencing. Is this satisfaction really worth it on a person? Why taunt that person when you can help him overcome his difficulties? At the time when we were still friends, instead of closing up and then returning the 'insults' back at him, why did you not co-operate? It was because you did not value project work as a subject worthy of your time. You had no commitment to whatever you were asked to do. Daniel, bearing the responsibility had to command you to do your work. Instead of just doing something had you needed to actually start this little argument between yourselves that severe the ties so badly? You are also to blame for being ignorant to what is actually important to others. Some people may actually need those few points project work could give. Could you not just contribute to the minimum?

And in the end we see two people thinking they are the better one degrading the other. Tay Yi makes less news because he is more low-profiled. Both of you refuse to give up, which is actually a good point by itself. But know when enough is enough. Enough poking at other people, enough trying to counter others, enough time for me spent actually for you to realise what you are actually doing. Apologies if I have offended you, but it is only inaccuracies I am concerned about.

I see as Daniel types in a way of mockery. Tay Yi types in a way of sarcasm. Both that generate emotions to those that read them. Namely, the other party.

Now if I would direct myself to a quote in the World of EViL:
"People who do not understand the virtue of patience, humility, creativity, unselfishness, optimism, flexibility and the ability to tolerate anger."

Do you think you have fallen into one of those categories? If not, then you are definitely elitist or have an extremely low standard of yourself.

Because you may hide the truth from yourself, but never from those that can see you. That is just a portion of the power of DiViNE EViL.

Remember to know when to keep your mouth shut.

Time Burn

2008-02-18T22:34:00.002+08:00

Suddenly, the time available has been burnt off like a wick (Got that from Chemistry). So I spend some time studying, some time still developing that J.Shauxo story for fun, and more of my time attempting to compose a piece. Take the previous evening, for example. Spending near an hour trying to compose a peaceful piano piece in a minor key, I could not progress past 3 lines. So I decided to base on a theme. First I felt pissed so I attempted to do that (when I'm pissed I feel like smashing the piano) so I put some loud chords in. Then I felt more relaxed and changed the mood. Overall, it resulted in a quite-satisfying first part that had me continiously writing and searching for chords for 7 lines (1 and 2/5 pages). Initially I wanted to resume today, but I ran out of motifs and then I chatted via various mediums which drove me fairly tired.

I'm also quite sure I haven't done one of those tutorials (ah, it's physics), but there isn't much time now, as even blogging may be good for health (har har). Additionally, trying to design a class shirt...I'm not a design guru, I sort of failed in my module. However, I do like it simple. Like this blog. I guess it will stay that way for a long while.

Now I have a headache. Darn.

Edit: When I first tried to post this they gave me a message that my command may be automated and similar to a virus! WTFBBQ? Do I look like a computer to you? Somebody is gonna getta hurt rea-*gets shot*

Break Invisibility

2008-02-17T11:26:00.003+08:00

So two days ago, during Band Practice, it was revealed that *gasp* we had to perform for the next Orientation batch, for three hours. Three hours? that's nearly twice as long as a standard concert. Not only that, the number of pieces we have ready in our 'repository' is virtually zero. Like, the only 'piece' we suggested was 'Basic Training' is a good indication. At least CHSSB still had 'Chorale 1'. However, we still managed to dig up two pieces to perform. Hope it goes well anyway.

Probably that is what we get for not being prepared. Even Daniel is doing all his assignments now (though he isn't that good at tests) and Zhen Qin stopped playing his WoW. Then all these music motifs come surging into my mind in the wrong moment. I got so overloaded, I went to sleep. Wasn't that effective in my opinion. And all those ideas about that J.Shauxo and his lubok cubes story made me waste the whole Saturday. Question marks may be in your head, but exclaimation marks are in mine.

Therefore, I should continue to do my tutorials. I'm two chapters behind on physics, and one on geography, half in chemistry and half in mathematics. And dang, does everything have to relate to KINNEmATTICKS?? Forget about that now. Suddenly I start to recall those examination scripts my father was marking yesterday...Cross Ventilation and Stack Ventilation...like some people really remember their brains out...

So, without further timewasting, I shall do my physics! Good Evening for now.

Bleakness

2008-02-14T22:11:00.003+08:00

Today is in no way special...at least for me. It can be in no way different from other Thursdays...school is as usual, mathematics consultation as usual, piano lesson as usual...other than the fact some people are out there enjoying themselves and I am sitting at home with my father next to me monitoring me making sure I am doing Complex Numbers. If I carry on typing like this he will surely erupt like a volcano (and never a lolcano), and he will drone on and on and 'scold' me on and on and in the end he would say 'I didn't scold you, you should decide for yourself'.

I would really want to politely tell him to stfu everytime he does that. I am in no way similar to him, and the problem is that, he won't accept that. He thinks as himself as a role model that I should follow otherwise I would fail in life. I would stop typing about him here because, I still have repect for the guy and I would not want to have anything worse to do with him. That's why, I keep quiet everytime he rants, and listen when I feel like it. My ignorance skills are apparently quite l33t.

So before he came in 'monitoring' me, I was like, emoing myself over my secondary school friends' blogs. Reading about their struggle finding a job and coping with NS, which varies greatly within individuals. And I have wondered if I was there too. I should have been, but my mind lags so much, I required one whole year of rotting to remove some verdigris.

Not like that really had any benefit. Common tests, which happen like a few times a year, are arriving soon. Apparently it tests on whatever I've learnt so far. Slightly preposterous if you ask me, but I don't really have an idea what it's really going to be like. But it's a test that is just more than a normal, common one. It is going to test my values.

Of those points that I mentioned in my previous post that I strive to achieve, I perhaps accomplished [half+half=one] of those 'goals'. Ah, the difficulty of actually performing those tasks. But they take time. Extermely soon, before the end of this month, I will accomplish them all. Setting a deadline for myself should be more effective. If this works well, my future may still succeed successfully.

When that's done, the rest follow smoothly after.

Emoing over myself

2008-02-12T00:00:00.000+08:00

I had just read Nicol Ngiam's blog. It seriously made me emo over myself. Ah, first forget about the secondary school days...not to mention I wasn't close to him at all, though we were in the same class for two years. But at that time I was still the hemmed-in introvert I was. Their lifestyle is so different, yet I envy them. While they are already emerging into the brilliance of life, I am still constrained in an empty wall of nothingness, whithering away the hands of time.

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but its sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but youre older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought Id something more to say

Home, home again
I like to be here when I can
And when I come home cold and tired
Its good to warm my bones beside the fire
Far away across the field
The tolling of the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spells.

-Pink Floyd, Time/Breathe(Reprise), from The Dark Side of the Moon

And yet I still fall prey into something that I have forseen. Unavoidable, because I did not dodge the oncoming onslaught.

It began with my own fault anyway. Last year only 3 people in the PJC-J1 cohort were from Catholic High School. This year, none that I can see. Not to mention, than Po Han is in PJC for some reason. I guess he's another one trapped in the indecisiveness that he engulfs himself with.

Ah yes, the times. I was revived with excerpts from my secondary 3 notebook, with me recording the conversations between Ryan Fan and the mathematics and history teachers. The times Mervyn Lee was upside down in the bin. The times that I didn't really like the Symphonic Band that much, but became inseparable with it after four years. Yet, my actual contacts with the people concerned have thinned out. Nicol Ngiam might barely remember me now. Terrence Hui would remember me as some minor guy they used to make fun of. Mr Heng might remember me as a troublemaker that eventually matured. Ever so slightly. That is because, compared to what I have read on Nicol's blog, there's a lot I don't have. Exceedingly painful amounts that I am missing. It feels like he is 3 years older than me. Heck, I don't feel 18 years of age. I have somehow spent a quarter of my life staring into empty space, imagining. But imaginary ideas will disappear. As long as I have not recorded them, they will not linger, and proceed to dissipate into oblivion.

It is as it is, a fault of my character. I am not solid enough. Insufficient confidence. I cannot correct this myself, but do I know anyway to seek the most efficient way to recover..?

Perhaps I can. So, I will now list certain things I have to do. For greater good.

-Get that wretched EZ-link card
-Complete current tutorials
-Re-do tutorials
-Use a computer solely for typing? (Not fixed on this one)
-Kick myself out of my house more often
-Get to know people, don't care if they are Chinese-oriented
-Stop buying time, because that is just an illusion

And you can do your part. Help me. For I will not stay the way I am forever, succumbing to the power of DiViNE EViL.

For what you not want will haunt you until it's over.

GC-Drawing

2008-02-07T13:14:00.000+08:00

For some reason I now draw a lot on Graphic Calculators (GCs), using those pixels thingy. When we were in secondary school we used to be fascinated with making letters on our calculators, but there were still limitations in the end (I still like how I managed to stumble across getting the letter 'K' on my scientific calculator). Now, using our uber 200-dollar GCs, typing letters become so easy with the whole alphabet available. With a bigger screen, it is possible...to draw.

Many people fiddling around with the GC may have discovered the 'Pen' function which allows them to draw. I used this function solely during my earlier drawings, and was frustrated if I made a mistake and had to modify the picture to hide it because I could not find an 'erase' function. Additionally, to draw another picture, the previous one had to be erased (zooming in or out erases the whole thing). However, on discovering the 'Pt-change' function (on TI-84, [2nd][PGRM][->][3]), I managed to find a function that changes a point (from 'on' to 'off' or 'off' to 'on') with every press of the enter key.

I took about an hour to do this (my secondary school crest!) yesterday, including some improvisation on the chinese words there. Probably uses a lot of battery power as well...

After that I attempted to do a CHIJ crest with reference to my sister's exercise book, but I think it is too difficult for me (find the logo yourself). I may attempt to complete it though, now that I have discovered how to save the pictures.

Otherwise, during this Chinese/Lunar new year, I will need to catch up with my studies...again.

Static Chill

2008-02-03T22:22:00.000+08:00

The weather has been bad. It has gone colder than usual in the vicinity. Now that the world is in this state it is not surprising that the weather will revolt at any time, anywhere. Record low temperatures, record high temperatures, record rainfall, record heat wave, record snowstorm...have the people awakened from their ignorant slumber...

This has got me sneezing. With that icy feeling lingering in my nose, I use up 1.5 times more tissue paper than usual (on average I use 15-20 sheets a day for nose only). Perhaps I should use a handkerchief, to save the trees...the thick trees...

Not only that, it seems that my academic studies have halted in this chilling barricade. I haven't revised any darn thing this weekend. On the bright side, I have been playing piano normally again. I will have some work to do in the coming holidays...

I will still not type too much, though I have gotten used to using 'Ctrl+V' everytime I type the letter 't'. My father brought an old USB keyboard from his workplace and I thought that would solve the problems, but unfortunately, that keyboard's 'b' and 'n' buttons do not work. However it is not totally useless, so now I put it beside my laptop and since I have letter 't' on copy, whenever I want to type the letter 'y' I just reach out for the keyboard and press that button. Seems more convenient but it is still darn irritating.

reall i wan a new keboard.

So I politely told them to stfu.

2008-01-27T23:21:00.000+08:00

As I have mentioned in my previous post, "So I politely told them to stfu" was a phrase that caught my eye. In case you do not know, it caught my eye not because it was vulgar, but because it was...contradictory.

'O'-level results were released last week, one month earlier than usual. Apparently they want to do away with the whole PAE first-three-months thing. With all those changes happening right here and now to the curriculum system, things seemed all so different just three years ago on the same academic level. Changing the subject combinations in secondary schools, the introduction of ECAs which turned into compulsary CCAs, changing of 'A'-level subject curriculum...what is the purpose anyway.

Incidentally, it includes working us off for a H1 subject. Take geography for example. It used to be halving the subject horizontally, as in same amount of content but not as deep. Now it halves vertically, in which we have to study more to understand what the subject is talking about. All these changes to benefit us? More like hamper our time in studying for a subject that you did not want to take in the first place. Mark my words I do not hate geography, except for the 'economic geography' portion (heard of 'geographic economics' much?) but most of the people I know studying their H1 will give no thought about it except when it comes to it being a promotion criteria. Actually I have thought why am I studing mathematics and sciences. I really have not much interest in them, I would prefer literature but I guess I wanted a more 'confirmed' scoring sstem...now not to my benefit. And I am pissed off now because for every letter 't' and 'y' I type I have to highlight an existing letter, Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V everywhere (must be the curse of Tay Yi). So I will probably stop ranting and end my post soon. (If some of the phrases above confuse you, it is because I'm not using some suitable words that contain those two letters for my convenience.)

Lately, somehow, I have been sort-of addicted to Queen songs. That, considering that the band technically did not exist after 1991 says that it is something special. It is almost the only kind of rock music I listen to. And that is considering I listen to classical and game soundtracks. The only problem with that is, I have tests coming up next week. Ah and my brain is so saturated. I don't really know why.

And this computer is definitely getting on my nerves. Fortunately they're under my skin. If you thought that was lame, I will politely tell you to stfu. Don't worry you will probably not be offended.

Treading Thin Ice

2008-01-25T23:13:00.000+08:00

I'm not that type of person that says without thinking. Usually, I think before I speak, for I value the feelings of whom I'm speaking to the most. What drives me into an uncomfortable, awkward feeling is that of offending people. Therefore a disclaimer of a topic about the same thing...

I am in no way attempting to degrade anything related to this event. Furthermore, though I realise I'm probably one week late on this, after I read my friend's blog (which resulted in some critisms which made him change his blog to a private blog), and discussing about this event, I am not attempting to degrade whatever Whoever-This-May-Concern has attempted to revoke his actions for. Therefore I will not name this individual.

It appears that, oblivious to me who doesn't patrol the toilets that often, approximately a week ago a certain J1 guy in the school had posted on his blog his 'feelings' about some girls who apparently irked his ego (Strong sarcasm, insult and language detected in the post). And on top of that, they didn't even do it on purpose. That was because, that was probably enjoyable to the girls who were from neighbourhood secondary schools, and not to this guy who was from SJI, apparently of a different 'class' (that's what he said). Additionally, he claims in comparison, he can get a higher 'class' girl anytime he likes. Yeah.

Obviously, when his blog was discovered, it enraged the people of PJC yeah yeah and some of them posted his blogpost all over the school so that everybody knew about it. Apparently they didn't succeed or they were taken down too quickly because I didn't get to see any little bit of it. I only received vague details, but after knowing about the whole event then I know it is just another case of a person fallen to the power of DiViNE EViL.

Topic here is respect. This guy apparently does not respect these girls who, in his opinion, are not respecting him as well as themselves. ": "besides the fact that you have 0% class, half the self respect, no sophistication to save your lives"
See it? In the belief that is stated by himself here, by halving their own self-respect they halve his self respect as well when he is with them. The fact that he himself regards of himself so highly is the reason he can't take the slightest bit of giving in for once without mulling over it. In fact, this is not a bad characteristic of a human. It is just that, this is the result of a negative side effect.

However, it just amazes me now that the modern society has become more open to the extent that vulgarities are used as often as conjunctions. You say you have class and high respect of yourself. Using 6 F-words in 4 paragraphs is not the way to go. If you do think you are that high-class, a letter of utmost correct grammar will be naturally expected, not phrases including internet-speak and verb-forms of vulgarities that would be more suitably substituted. One phrase that caught my eye was "so i politely told them to stfu."

In addition, his impulsive actions (worse if it is planned) may have just been an act of a mercurial attitude. As I still believe, making a decision that will probably linger or is irreversible cannot be made when one is experiencing strong emotions, or even directly after. It will more often than not result in regret.

At the very least, regret has been expressed by this guy who made an apology post afterward. In my opinion, the apology seems sincere (it had to be). Forgiveness is DiViNE, though it was the only thing left to do for him before he gets assassinated.

Now my take on this: I used to be from a what-you-call higher-class single-gender school, for ten years at that. I had become so used to that school and the values they go by that I have suddenly become lost after I am supposed to progress. This is where what I have learnt, and what I will learn, come in. Yes I have, in my life, ever thought of myself being of a higher-class. Because of that, I went into a polytechnic and failed miserably. In a last-ditch hope, nearly not making it, I returned to a JC. And the reason I have not made enemies at all, is because I value respect in people. They all have the same initial value. The only people on the verge of losing my respect are those who throw their own around, even when they know it.

In these two years, two years that I wasted academically and musically, I realise the importance of others to me. Even now, I'm still learning. All these years, the number of girls I know is so little that I do not know the general Singapore girl until I was in JC1. And this my probably be what this guy is feeling. However, instead of assimilating, he chose to reject what was happening to him. And he has learnt the lesson.

I'm still pondering over a question: "How long did it take you to adapt into the life of a mixed school" (or something along those lines). It was asked by a girl in my class. I asked myself, and I couldn't find an answer. This is a fault of my own. I have naturally weak confidence. (Don't attempt to exploit me here, as results fluctuate)

I know one aspect of my own fault, caused by this 'high-class' agenda still lingering in my character. I attempt to minimize it by being confined to myself. By expressing what I know is right to others, they naturally will give what they have received in return. Problems arise only when you have a high-class attitude when you're not even close at all...

Standards. That is what makes us. And affects us, which in return affects others. A higher risk results in higher rewards, or bigger failure. You may hate him, some can say 'oh he did that, yeah that isn't really right', but the matter is if he knew what he really did and will change what he will do in the future. Otherwise, this risk that he took for the sake of his high standards, resulted to nothing. That is definitely not what a 'high-class' person would perform.

For a low standard person would have not a fixed goal in life. And that is the dilemma that I am trapped in, a twisted dimention of fate and decision. But for all that uncertainty that enshrouds this enigma, I still value respect to a person in a high regard.

And you wonder about the power of DiViNE EViL.

More to the eye than the mind

2008-01-25T22:53:00.000+08:00

In the light of reading again, the deterioration of all my aspects seems to have slightly halted; my music sense is steadily gaining ground again, I have come to understand music again, and I seem to be getting a hold on some academic topics that I am learning now. Unfortunately, my laptop has been giving me sheer inconvenience. Sometime in the previous week, the 't' and 'y' keys suddenly stopped working. In addition to that some of the top-row keys (like Escape, F1, F4 and F9) are also not working. Add that the number 9 key fell off asa well as the [ key, and the left arrow key not working at all, it is difficult to cope with a keyboard like that.

So now I have two computers, one which starts up in 5 minutes, and the other which requires me to CTRL+V everytime I have to type a letter t. Not to mention that it lags (Low Virtual Memory message pops out) when I open THREE Internet Explorer windows. Yet, I can barely see the time where I get a new computer. I guess half and half makes one.

For some reason, the previous week has sort of struck a kind of revelation to me. It is difficult to describe it, as I have it in my mind but not in words. I have felt that I have a slightly more open nature, though those were the most primitive words I had in my mind. Before I have time to reflect though, the next week of tests will arrive; and this time, there is no next time. That is the truth.

And the power of DiViNE EViL has just barely wafted in.

Into the Nothingness

2008-01-09T00:32:00.000+08:00

It will be a difficult year. For it is about and only about studies, nothing that I am looking forward too. I would have looked forward to some subjects, but constant piling of information is just killing my brain. Yes my brain might be smaller than average but it is more weirdly shaped than usual. Therefore I think of weirder solution to questions...

Anyway my previous posts that I attempted to post in December were mostly interrupted. Then there's the fact that I'm lazy...on the other hand I don't really have that much time using the computer, so prepare for long periods of time whereby this page will not be updated...because I won't be updating. Laziness plus business (busy-ness?) will surely put my mind off my blog.

But I do foresee, the mysterious clouds of DiViNE EViL swirling around in the midst. They will probably attack as early as June, and will last all the way until November. How long will I be able to endure this spell of paranoia. If my mind doesn't break, my studies will.

To hell with examinations.

DiViNE Age.

2007-12-19T13:06:00.000+08:00

I might have probably been too lazy to post this, but I went to Hong Kong for two weeks from 29th November 2007 to 13th December 2007. More details about that if I have the time to do it.

I'm just updating for the sake that I have not disappeared from the face of this earth. Anyway my 18th birthday was on the ...well it didn't matter much to me, it mattered more to my parents. *Insert smiley*

I intended to post once after I returned from my vacation but the computer was shut down by my mother halfway (or a little bit) into my...typing.

Well...it's just moments...

Postprandial Activities

2007-11-23T23:31:00.000+08:00

Not much has happened recently, but there is nothing much to expect; I am not an outgoing person anyway. However, there are a few stories I would share...

First is about me getting pwned. By a Primary school boy, no less. Yeah so this guy and his family came to our house for dinner a week ago (his father was my father's friend) and though he was as usual as any boy would be as he was probably familiar to us, but previous times saw chaos and irritation. Not to mention his personal life. Apparently, his family is 'afraid' of him and gives in to him. It is his character to determine what he wants is what he gets. Alright so this is not really a special trait, I know sometimes people are troublesome...but this is taking it one step further. From 'okay' to 'pro'.

Not only his family is afraid of him, his school is too. Yes, his school. Not his teachers, not the principal, but EVERYTHING together. When he says "I need my sleep and I will come to school at 1000 hours even though it starts at 0800" he gets it. And despite this claim causing inconvenience between his family and the principal, they finally gave in to him. So there it goes. He goes to school a few hours late, every school day.

Now this...this kind of plan never even vaguely materialised in my brain, let alone say when I was in primary school. Yet this trait of confidence, or adamant nature, may determine his rise or fall. He has a strong ambition: to become a businessman, and I dare not deny it becoming true. Yet I have a hunch that, even as childhood friends, the way he operates in his life may not be in my preferance. The power will become too strong...to be good.

So after a story of 'strength' we come to a story of 'destiny'. Well, more luck than destiny actually.

My father is an avid tennis player...he is nearly the best in the whole Dairy Farm Estate, except for one person whom my father admits his power. This person is also quite rich (rich enough to buy a USD $17,000 BICYCLE). He always has meetings because...hm I'm not sure of his profession (pardon my ignorance).

So he was having this dinner at this club. He and his wife stayed for quite long because there was a lucky draw in the end, in which the prize was a pair of tickets to watch a exhibition tennis match of Federer and Sampras (which had just finished yesterday), one who is the top tennis player, and one who was a top tennis player. Of course watching two of these top players play against each other would be a treat. It included travel and accommodation fees anyway. However, they did not win the prize, so they left in their car.

Now this guy was already driving out of the club when he suddenly said he wanted to go to the toilet. Not only that, but although it was urgent, it wasn't big business (ahem). When his wife was telling us the story she said this was most unusual. Usually he would go to the toilet before leaving anyway.

So he drove back and went to the toilet, while his wife waited in the car. When he was in the toilet, he heard an announcement that the winner of the prize wasn't free on that day and decided not to take the prize. This was also unusual, as if you had won a prize, but can't use it, you would might as well give it to your family and friends instead. But this guy didn't accept the prize at all (perhaps because he was a cricket player anyway), and there would be a redraw for the prize. So the guy went back, and after the new draw, he won the prize. Well what I know, I haven't so much luck before.

As for the title of this post, I got that from Dictionary.com's 'word of the day'. 'Postprandial' means 'of something after a meal, especially dinner' and I hope I'm using it right here...as after dinner, I played tennis (ironically?) and well...typed this post.

Ha ha.

I guess I don't understand females yet

2007-11-15T23:37:00.000+08:00

My interaction with females of the human race has been...honestly...stark.

Honestly speaking, the time in my I life speak with females not blood-related with me is less than 3%. I can even imagine it. I went to an all-boys primary AND secondary school, and now I'm in a class that us 88% male.

Not that I actually need this, but I will have to deal with this sooner or later...curiously I treat all people alike once I get to know them, but girls just have that different impression of lame things...I guess...I can't imagine lame girls anyway. Or maybe I just know too little.

And even with my mother and my sister...the closest females (and probably consisting of 70% of females I talk to), it just hits me that they typically...shop. I guess if you shop it is alright, because you will buy something that you look for...but they don't. Like today. I had to follow them because they didn't want me sitting at home all the time. Alright but I do go out sometimes...not to shop, though. They wanted to buy clothes...in the end they bought a box of chocolates and a jar of jam. Heh just a jar of jam sounds more fuzzy...

Alright I'm being too blunt here. I do understand them I guess...but don't pull me into it!! Ha. I don't really like standing around starting at clothes...

Oh yeah. Not an emo post. Ha!

Interruption.

2007-11-12T09:53:00.000+08:00

My connection has been interrupted. Internet connection, I mean.

It was last saturday that my father removed two computers from our midst...well, in short-term. He installed something into the desktop that made it start up twice as long, and unable to open any program or anything related to the internet (even the browser). It seems that the installation overloaded the RAM (that's what my father said, I'm not that hardware savvy). Then he wanted to move the laptop to the living room where he could record music from the record player (the one that plays the big black 'discs', I forgot the specific term for it). Therefore we were cut from the internet altogether! In order to control this situation I had to, well, bring the laptop back into the room within the wireless range to...like type here and make a post (there are many more important things to attend to).

However, amongst all these short-term problems, one thing is clear; I have passed this year. The power of DiViNE EViL, hopefully, will return into its slumber for now. What I have to do, and I don't know if I can, is to prepare for its return, more powerful and uncontrollable, the next year. After all, an examination is due. A major examination.

A damn examination.

Projection

2007-11-04T22:09:00.000+08:00

Alright, so a presentation is coming up. Eh, what's this..? I was never good at presenting...I have a naturally soft voice, and this doesn't seem good at all. Even when I'm practically shouting in front of a classroom somebody at the back can't hear me. The only way is to holler...but this makes my voice sound different...

As a thought, yes, my speech isn't very good. Though it's better than what I can do physically. And my actions (non-aggressive) are better than my speech. And my words better than my actions. Therefore, you can't really tell my whole character from what I type here.

Funny, isn't it, there are so many mediums of communication, but each have their own advantages...

Time is a mysterious happening...it's constant, but you never feel it that way. It's already October...the peak of the power of DiViNE EViL is over...but never let your guard down. It can strike while you are unaware, but it hurts more when you are prepared for it...fight to the end...

Never fall...to the power of DiViNE EViL.

DiViNE EViL supports good English. I'm not the only one.

2007-10-23T23:02:00.000+08:00

Quote from WenPu:

Blogging is a good way to improve one's English. That is, if one tries his best to type in proper English.

I do not claim to speak, or write the Queen's English. But I do put in my best effort to create a post with as little English mistakes as possible.

I understand if one is lazy to type words like you, replacing it with 'u'. I do not understand useage of words such as 'miee' to replace me. Cute? No. Adorable? No. Cool? Certainly not. So why its useage?

By the way, I would hereby like to point out that HDB, SMU, NUS,AMV and the likes of it are NOT acronyms. Words like Scuba (read scho-baa) are.

If one persists to blog in sub-standard English, he will in effect be polishing his sub-standard English?

Quoted for the admiration for somebody who gets 81 for his General Paper Examination. Yes, 81 out of possible 100! Get this: I'm not even half as English-y as him (I don't study literature) and still, my argumentative essays are a measly just-pass ._. (Yet I point out a spelling error in 'usage')

I will admit though, I may be more casual in tone of typing here. Like this. (Proper sentences don't start with Like, And, or But).

If you do blog, type properly. Or do it as well as you can. It will yield results...if you do it well enough (curses at getting 8/15 for Language in Paper 2).

Incandescence.

2007-10-23T19:22:00.000+08:00

I see the light.

But will I be able to reach it.

Before I am engulfed by this darkness.

Yes I am sorry for this emo-ish post. But I will have to make one solely for the event that could have changed my life for the worse...the promotional examination results.

As if you didn't already know (read the rest of my blog then), I came from a polytechnic, transferred to a Junior College. People going in the opposite direction are not that uncommon, but few have heard of a case like this. But I have to be thankful that at least I enjoy attending a JC.

As I was always, my academic incapabilities put me in danger of being in the middle of nowhere. And I think I may have just wobbled in from the edge of a cliff.

I can't be sure though, but it seems that I have fulfilled the promotion criteria, albeit barely. Scraped many passes no higher than 55%. Still, it is that consistency that I require.

Just before the examinations began I realised I may have discovered a more effective study method. And let this method be not lose its effectiveness until I have achieved and completed what I should have.

For some reason I am not overjoyed in my relief; there is still an aura of tension spreading through my proximity. However, a strong mind may be able to repel the powers of...

DiViNE EViL.

NPNT pics nao!

2007-10-17T20:49:00.000+08:00

To prove that there are animals in the Dairy Farm Estate...

My father saw this bird outside our mini-gate this morning before he went to work. (Even though it's always Evening) and he took some pictures of it. It didn't fly away even when my father neared it...to be honest I haven't seen a bird like this before. In Singapore. But maybe that's just because I haven't been to the bird park. Who needs a bird park anyway...(not meant to be lame)

Men of Unintelligence

2007-10-15T21:01:00.000+08:00

I feel kind of guilty for not doing something that I could have possibly not done anyway.

Well I kind of caught a cold my mother passed me which I passed to her last week. This is bad, obviously, as my already-free-flowing nose starts to eject more 'tephra' (something that came to my mind about volcanoes). Anyway I woke up late this morning a saw a message sent last night about a Project Work meeting this afternoon that could only be about Oral Presentation, a major and not-so-nice part of it. Well worried as I was about this part, I couldn't really do it (transport is the key here, I can't survive on a bus when I'm not feeling well) but still considered going despite this. Imagine the bad about this 'Project Work' thing that we have to endure.

Anyway, before I did anything else, my neighbour sent a message that I wasn't going. He presumed I wasn't going anyway because I was sick. Uh...okay.

Now this is bad because I will need to prepare for my part tomorrow, possibly delaying efforts of the group. I apologize to any group members reading this now...(chances are less than 1/50 because this place is deserted)

Well, it's not too bad anyway. Staying idle for too long will cause retardation of the brain, to my experiece...or to MY brain, that is...if you don't want to sound that you feel insulted...

But sometimes we all have to face the fact. Things need constant or at least occasional lubrication to work. Now that verdigris starts forming on my brain, it's not good unless I start using it again.

Which is good now as it uses the brain to type in nice, complete sentences! Yes, that's good for your health.

Language Straining

2007-10-12T23:03:00.000+08:00

And now what, I'm back to my brain.

Today is like...the day of Languages? I'm not all that picky usually but somehow my English and my Chinese has caught up to me...This morning in school saw me deal with extra Chinese lessons for the upcoming examination...(again?) Then...as a forum-freak I probably am, I went to my school portal and sort of did a quarter-essay which saw me type in a more serious tone than this, right here right now. Well perhaps that's because it is monitored by your teachers...and then those who set the standards before you (not as if I do a lot anyway) and the obvious absence of dot-dot-dots... ... ...

Well dot-dot-dots are useful...in a sense...like this...yeah...when you're somehow unsure about something...

I think I just found out I'm unsure with a lot of things anyway. Not that it is unusual, in my opinion.

And my true-yet-simple-but-controversial way of arguing with all kinds of topics: It all depends on every individual's opinions, and it is situational. It IS true. One day I'll use it on you and you won't like it.

Because...the Trees are Thick.

Now that was random, but it was intentional (resists temptation to put a winking smiley).

When Freedom makes you Idle

2007-10-11T19:03:00.000+08:00

So you can imagine what I have been doing since the examinations. Slacking, and by a lot. In fact, I don't recall doing anything remotely useful to myself...except resuming my piano lessons and trying to remember all those pieces that seemed so new after not even looking at them for approximately two months. In fact, this wasn't how I imagined to be after the examinations...

Yeah, so after examinations you don't really have to study immediately (barring Chinese) but then, you feel like there's nothing much to do. I've dropped many games I've played just for studying, and now I can't find the will to commit myself to them...Furthermore, until my fingers thaw out I won't be able to play the piano for more then one hour continuously because my fingers are so stiff. Strangely, the EViL aura still lingers...

But no sane person will study NOW, well alright perhaps it's always wise to follow the 'Eternal Learning' pathway but nobody would have the will to do it. This is what makes examinations abhorred by students worldwide. Before examinations, students get stressed up; during examinations, students have to cope with the different subjects that cascade down on them repeatedly; and after examinations, when students are finally free, they realise that they have so much time, and would rather use that time constructively in studying. Otherwise they would become idle and not exhibit the 'constant learning' method of learning new topics.

This is blasphemy, blasphemy I say. (I'm not into religion, for your information)
[Original version has blasphemy replaced by another 'B' word]

As for now, my inspiration is waning, as is the aftereffect of being idle. Until I find something more interesting, it shall end.

A Dairy Farm you live in, a Dairy Farm you get

2007-09-27T17:08:00.000+08:00

Yeah so the place I live in is called the 'Dairy Farm Estate'. They said that this piece of land used to be a dairy farm long ago. Well although there aren't any cows in Dairy Farm now (thankfully), there are still some 'exotic' critters that rarely run around other condominiums.

Yes I understand house lizards/geckoes and cockroaches are usual house pests, but in here there are about 3 times more common. Ants especially, I can differentiate a few species running in my house. But why cockroaches don't really fly even though they have wings? Just when I discovered a cockroach in my toilet yesterday after a whole night studying Geography I sprayed it with the shower and dumped it into the toilet bowl. It was so strong, as many other insects, after getting sprayed full blast from a shower head would just crumple into a corner. Yet this cockroach, and like many of its species, even after getting dumped into the toilet bowl, could still crawl out of it. However, it didn't fly, and that's what resulted in its demise (you can guess what happened).

If ever there were a monster cockroach and it did fly whenever it wanted, it would be a powerful creature...(add that natural radioactivity shield trait and living without a head). I mean, it doesn't really attack people, but it is hard to kill, is resistant to water and nuclear fallout, and too agile to be shot. AND it can fly!

As I'm not making a point there, so I shall guide you (or whoever is the reader and isn't disgusted by SuperRoach) to the other animals in the 'Dairy Farm'...to the rarer creatures. There are lizards here, not those puny house lizards and geckoes that hang on your wall, but the ones that are big and fat, or long until they curl their tails. You can see the characteristic reptile skin (if it stays long enough) and it ranges from brown to yellow to green...and although rarely, they can get into your house. My house to be specific, but of course we wouldn't kill such an unusual specimen (my mother didn't dare touch it anyway). They run frigging fast, except for that big fat one (the pictures got formatted away last time). Well it isn't as bad when lizards get into your house, but what you won't want in your house are...

Monkeys. I guess reports of monkeys are also heard elsewhere, but the back of Dairy Farm faces a 'jungle', where groups of monkeys reside. In some seasons they set off as a large group, ranging from 10 to 30 individual members (and some baby monkeys cling to their parents upside-down) and they cross the road. Yes cross the road. Why did the monkey cross the road? Because it isn't scared of you. Yeah as you know they're bullies, and anything that looks like a human child will be scared off by them. They have also been reported breaking into a house (I would shut those windows if I were the victim). Not amusing at all. I guess it's only amusing when you watch them from a safe distance. Not until they cross the road. Talking about crossing the road, a more popular animal does that...

Chickens. Okay not exactly chickens (as in chicken rice). Roosters, and they cross the road. Why did the rooster cross the road? To annoy us. Yes these roosters are no longer around, because they were so annoying. (Don't worry they weren't eaten). They supposedly belonged to a guy who lived in the Estate and kept the roosters across the road. Yes, across the road, and stop asking questions. There were like about five of them I guess, and I heard that they were expensive ones, not for eating. Meanwhile, the guy somehow died. I didn't hear the whole story anyway. The roosters then were left alone with no owner...and somehow they weren't restrained anymore. So they crossed the road (argh dammit) and came into the Estate. Now that wouldn't be bad if you see a beautiful bird when you were walking but these roosters had no sense of time. Yeah everyone knows they wake people up at dawn by crowing or calling or shouting or whatever. Now these roosters. They call at 0500 hours. A bit too early? The sun hasn't even risen. They call at 0600. Okay perhaps that's acceptable...They call at 0700. Nobody hears them anyway, we're not living in the past you know, people use alarm clocks now. They call at 1200. Huh they're still caling? They call at 1600. It's getting annoying...They call at 1900. !#*^%$^%! They call at 2100. What the!? They call at 0000. )!*#(&%^( CHICKENASUAHS

Anyway, obviously you can't take it when you've been woken up at four in the morning by friggin roosters. So we called those workers who were around fixing the swimming pool at the time to catch them and somehow donate them to somewhere else. Yeah, they're going to take care of them quick 'cos chickens can't fly. But these roosters can FRIGGIN fly!! I mean, they fly more than a cockroach! AND they know when to use their wings...Just when people are about to get them. So, when it was determined they HAD to use specialised people and equipment to get them, we had more sleepless nights.

They got them eventually though. And there ARE other creatures here and there. A usually elusive one is the squirrel...well cute things don't appear in your face often. And even when you spot one on a tree trunk, the squirrel will be on the direct opposite side of it, and as you go around the tree trunk, it goes around the tree trunk too, and you will never get to see it until it reaches the top of the tree and hides in the leaves. Somehow. (And thay means you can't get to see it). And no, it wasn't a thick tree.

The rarest though was probably a pangolin. When I first saw it I thought it was an armadillo (because I didn't know what was a pangolin), and it was in a thick tree in the Estate. I have absolutely no idea how it got there, nor have I ever seen such an animal, or expect to see such an animal in anywhere in Singapore which isn't named 'Teh Zoo'. There was a man and his daughter passing by, I remembered, and the little girl asked "what's that?" to her father and the man took a glance at it and said "it's a cat" and I nearly OMGWTFLOLBBQCHICKENASUAHS on my own saliva(some copy-paste there, and I'd admit I was putting in some exaggeration). It reminded me of a sloth because it was so slow, and it didn't even look *remotely* like a cat. It was even bigger than an average cat. Anyway it was reported and taken away by something else (didn't know what it was, but it wasn't Teh Zoo I guess). Well it was still something interesting that you don't see every day. Or every life.

There are still many random creatures, albeit less intereting ones, in the 'Dairy Farm'. There are like lots of cicadas, frogs near the swimming pool, beetles, squashed lizards, crazy dogs (though they had an owner) and bald-headed humanoid figures going bonkers at everything (I believe that's a human). Until I have more time (like after Physics examination tomorrow), I may just elaborate on them (especially that humanoid thing).

Lizards conduct electricity.

2007-09-23T18:33:00.001+08:00

Oh and I forgot what was the aim for posting here earlier today...Me and my forgetfulness.

Tay Yi came to my house to study yesterday...and he got all emo about past memories again...well anyway, there were constant power trips going on while we were studying (and emoing), but it didn't affect us much as we were only using the fan. However, I didn't know the cause until that night, when I asked my father about it.

Apparently this lizard went into the box with the wires (some three or four letter acronym standing for some electrical thingy, quoted by my father) and it touched the Earth wire and Neutral wire at the same time (back to secondary school Physics). This caused electricity to flow through the lizard, and since that wirebox thingy detected that the current in the Live and Neutral wires are different (since the current was flowing to the Earth), it stopped the power...

I did not witness the poor lizard but apparently, according to witnesses, it got internally suntanned. Or you know, burnt to a crisp. This is why you should never be between the Earth and Neutrals. You will conduct 'till you die.

Your Time is Up.

2007-09-23T14:27:00.000+08:00

Five consecutive days of examinations left. That will determine my destiny.

And although the first two days of these aforementioned examinations are relatively unimportant (in my case), they still add stress!

Ahha so I'm almost giving up on Mathematics totally save for some free-points topics that I should attempt to grasp. The Mathematics department is sooo lazy anyway. So therefore, it will rely on my sciences. Chemistry shouldn't be a problem with some revision, but Physics will need as much luck as it can get. For me that is. And only I will know whether I will survive. 'Till the end of time.

My confidence is like a Sine Graph.

Scrap that. Now my camera can't upload photographs because the cable has rusted. I mean, RadianNewton!?? It's not as if I exposed that cable to a lot of moisture or anything, but still, the metal parts of a cable rusting? These things are SUPPOSED to be like all rustproof now. And so there goes, another phase of monotonousity.

You may wonder why 'Your Time is Up.' Not because it's down, but because we all share the same time in the same world, and yet, I don't have enough. Therefore, all will experience, anxiety.

As I leave, it's Evening.

A...survey?

2007-09-16T22:32:00.000+08:00

I will create a new survey! Wahahaaha.

TehSurVeY Part 1

001. What do you think about thick trees?

002. Have you ever tried sleeping face down?

003. What's the colour of your chair?

004. What's your favourite subject?

005. If you could come up with your own values, what would you prioritize?

006. Do you believe the world will be too polluted to live in 100 years' time?

007. Do you like the number 7 with two zeroes in front?

008. Do you like digital or analog clocks?

009. What type of games do you like?

010. Are you picky on people's typing/spelling/grammar?

011. What do you think about jogging...

012. How long can you hold your pee?

013. How long can you hold your fart?

014. How long can you hold a sneeze?

015. How long can you hold your dung..?

016. If there is one thing you could do right now, what would you do? (classic generic question)

017. Do you liek thick trees?

018. So I herd u liek Mudkipz?

019. If you had a son what will you name him?

020. If you could rename your father what would you name him?

021. If you could rename your sister what would you name her?

022. If you saw a dinosaur what would you do.

023. Which part of your body is the most agile?

024. What is your favourite time of the day?

025. If I gave you $500.00 to make you like thick trees for the rest of your life, would you accept it?

Alright so that ends TehSurVeY Part 1! Answer at your own risk.

A Friend Test

2007-09-16T22:28:00.001+08:00

I'm not really fond of these but whatever anyway ahahahahahaha.

Create your own Friend Test here

I will START ANEW

2007-09-16T20:54:00.001+08:00

From now on, I vow to stop emo-ing myself on my own blog! Incandescent. (Insert random word). Anyway, I revised some physics and I did KINEMATTIICS!!!! RRrrrRRR. I will understand physics, dig into a hole into the depths of knowledge, and suck out the KINEMATTIICS!!!!! out of it. And that's right, I'm not going paranoid! (no more extra exclaimation marks)

And so, I will delve on others' blogs (though there aren't many, but I am one by myself) and I will dig out Tay Yi's constant thirst for weird surveys. Now here is one I took from him:
(not the most recent one)

Surveys for the bored (wtf no underline function? Or I just suck)

1. Were you smiling when you woke up this morning?
That seriously sounded wrong. If you don't know, see http://forums.dota-allstars.com/index.php?showtopic=76221&st=0. Actually, the quote goes: "It was a fabulous day and Sven woke up with a smile on his face. He picked up his big nasty sword and sold it for a 'cute' pair of really tight pants. He then walked to the main camp and bought himself a head dress and stormed the battle field with no weapon, just pure heart. Pudge saw this and was like, 'WTF, Sven is gay!?' he reported this to the Lich king. The lich king stared into Pudges soul, ripped out his spine, and ate it. Naix saw this and was so overcome with confusion that he exploded. This explosion caused clinks to smile, not just any smile, a smile that could kill you in your sleep."

And that is why you should never wake up with a smile on your face. I never do.

2. When was the last time you met someone new?
When they were born

3. When did you last eat pizza?
3-4 Weeks ago I think

4. Do you drink beer?
No.

5. Do you wash your own clothes?
No again.

6. Are you any good at poker?
N--oh. Of course, this might have something to do with luck.

7. What do you want more than anything?
Pwn everyone in studies without studying

8. Are you tired?
When I face my physics notes

9. Besides your bed, what is your favorite thing in your room?
My mattress, I guess. I can't sleep without my mattress...

10. Pepsi or Coke?
Better question would be 7-up or Sprite, but since you didn't ask that, I won't answer that either.

11. Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?
Of course, it is situational.

12. Do you enjoy piercings and tattoos?
No and no again.

13. Taco Bell or McDonald's?
Better question would be Burger King or KFC, but since you didn't ask that, I won't answer that either.

14. Are you restless?
I guess so...none of my moves include rest (Pokemon reference)

15. Is your computer desktop or a laptop?
My computer is below my desk, so it's a desklow.

16. How many friendster views do you have?
I think 3 was the record.

17. Want to be a prince/princess?
If it means I can pwn people in their studies without studying then yes whatever.

18. Do you believe dreams come true?
If I dreamt beliefs came true.

19. Last song you heard?
Either some Azure Dreams soundtrack or Astral (DM Ashura)

20. Do you like Batman?
So I herd u liek Zubatz.? (you do NOT want to know what's the story behind this)

21. Who is in the room with you?
My sister. No one else. Confirmed.

22. what r u wearin on ur foot?
Skin*gets shot*

23. What was the last thing you ate?
I think it was a fish.

24. What were you doing before this?
Doing Project Work to no progress

25. What is the closest item near youthat is blue?
I think it's a hole puncher no wait. It's the chair I'm sitting on

26. In your opinion what is theweirdest thing listed ongoofysicons.com?
"the name of the site itself"-Agree with Tay Yi on this one

27. What instant messaging service doyou use?
Windows Live Messenger, I think I didn't have much choice.

28. what is ur fav website?
I think it's this.

29. Whose house were you at???
"mine. eh no, my dad's house."-What Tay Yi said

30. What do you wear more, jeans orsweatpants?
My fashion knowledge sucks so I'll just say long pants that look plain and are comfortable.

31. What is the last movie you watched?
Oh that's tough. Let's say...I forgot.

32. What do you currently hear rightnow?
Me rocking my chair for fun (and it makes squeaky noises)

33. When did you last buy a new pair of pants?
That was part of my school uniform, so it was more than 9 months ago.

34. Where's your favorite place to be?
Home yeah.

35. Where do you sleep?
Home yeah.

36. Where do you shop the most?
Kinokuniya Stationery Section.

37. Where did you get the shirt you'rewearing?
PJC Orientation 1 Shirt!!

38. Coach Purse or NFL game tickets?
Better question would be Playing or Watching Tennis, but since you didn't ask that, I won't answer that either.

39. Where was your default pic taken?
Screenshott-ed

40. Why did you pick your background?
Because it looks nice..?

41. Are you happy with where you are?
Yes because I'm HOME

42. Do you believe love at first sight?
That's nonsense.

43. Do you believe in celebrating anniversaries?
Well, if you say believe, then I guess yes...

44. Do you believe that you can change someone?
Oo yes. See what the power of DiViNE EViL can do.

45. What are you going to do after you do this survey?
My Project Work....dang it has been delayed for over an hour.

PART 2``

1. Would you marry for money?
No.

2.Have you had braces?
No again.

3.Could you live without a computer?
If everybody else didn't too, then yes.

4.If you could live in any past time,Nah Im happy with the timezone i am in right nowand I can't play Secret fast enough (with hasty keys) togo back in time. Damn.
I think I (or Tay Yi) screwed up copying this question. Yes this is his answer anyway.

5.Do you drink enough water?
I've got to say, No.

6.Do you wear shoes in the house ortake 'em off?.
Take them off!

7.What are your favorite fruits?
Apple and apple only

8.What is your favorite place to visit?
Home? Or maybe school now.

9.Are you photogenic?
Absolutely not. I got more pictures of thick trees than myself.

10.Do you dream in color or black and white?
I've got 3 letters for this question..: LOL

11.Why do you take survey??
Because I'm bored with Project Work

12.Do you drink alcohol?
All those Carbons and Hydrogens and Oxygens...I don't think so.

13.What is the most beautiful language?
Fefnic, although I don't understand that. (and neither will you)

14.Do you like being kissed when youare asleep?
Well, how would I know.

15.WHAT do you like MOST: Sunrise or sunset?
WHAT I like MOST: My LIFE. Otherwise, I prefer (use this word, dumass question) sunset. (don't have to wake up early)

16.Do you want to live until you're 100yrs old?
That is situational, again.

19.When you watch movies at home, do you like the lights switched on or off?
Watch movies at home? That's a joke.

20.Do you believe in magic?
In a game yes.

22.Do you like to watch cartoons?
Hm I guess if you fed me some then I will.

23.At what age did you find out that Santa Claus wasn't real?
"The moment I heard about it."- Tay Yi

24.Do you write poems?
Sometimes.

25.Do you snore?
A whole darn lot. Not good to have a perma-stuck nose.

26.You sleep more on your back,front,or sides?
Sides, but will eventually be on my back which triggers more snoring

27.Would you rather have a poodle or arottweiler?
Better question would be Mutton or Chicken, but since you didn't ask that, I won't answer that either.

28.Are you basically a happy person?
I think I'm an advanced happy person

29.Are you tired?
I'm not facing physics notes now.

30.Did you drink anything with caffeine?
No.

32.How many land line/cellphones do you have in your house?
OVER 9000!!!**@$* Anyway, I think about 10?

33.Do you get along with your parents?
Yeah somewhat.

34.Do u smoke?
No in teh face.

35.Do you have a kitty?
No again.

36.Have you ever had a birthday party?
I think this is the first 3-No-s in a row, so you can imagine the questions...yeah

37.What do you do when you're sad?
Share sorrows on a forum...I guess. I've not been that sad before.

38. What do you need most now?
Time. Lots of it

39.What song are you listening to now?
If I were, then it'd perhaps be Astral (DM Ashura).

Phew. Now that's done. (Some questions are missing don't ask me why).
Anyway, got to do my Project Work. So...I hope it will be different now! And that I can do KINEMATTIICS!!!!

Half Month

2007-09-03T17:01:00.000+08:00

It has been another half a month...and half is left.

However, I somehow don't feel the 'mugging' (that's what they call it) power that should have been working out of my wits. Perhaps that is because the school is still teaching topics to be tested for the examinations...ridiculous, in my opinion.

Anyway, it is as if nobody treats this examination as important as any other major examination...I can't get enough help. And my feelings are playing on my mind...my confidence wanes in and out, but my knowledge remains stagnant. If I had known any better, I should not be typing here anyway.

However, it does give me some consolation...but, I will still not be intending to return...until the battle is over.

Time eludes me again

2007-08-19T15:26:00.000+08:00

It's Sunday afternoon...again.

And that's to think after a week of tests, there will be rest. But no. It is the same, if not worse, for next week. The only consolidation is that my cold seems to be going away...

I got new packet tissues. Was running out.

These few days are gloomy. Literally. It has been raining most of the three days, and any sunlight was short-lived.

It is all I shall report for now.